Toxic Friends… how would you handle?

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
5192 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

 

DontWorryBeeHappy123:  

Friend #1 is psycho.  Holy crap.  Luckily, she has done you a favor by cutting you off.  No action needed on your part, just cut her out of your life.  Easy peasy.  Just because you’ve been friends with someone for a long time doesn’t mean you should continue.

Friend #2 sounds like just a fight.  Give it a week or two and see if it blows over.  I wouldn’t make any heroic strides to save things, but wouldn’t cut her off either.

Post # 3
Member
2114 posts
Buzzing bee

DontWorryBeeHappy123:  It sounds like you are way too nice. This is my problem too.

usually with my family though, not friends. You shouldn’t have to deal with this drama, we are not in middle school. People who want to be in your life will be apart of it. You shouldn’t feel you have to bend over backwards to prove your friendship to them. 

Post # 4
Member
1987 posts
Buzzing bee

You sound like a very kind, compassionate person. You deserve friends who are the same. Maybe it’s time to move in some new circles and meet new people. 

Post # 5
Member
42460 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I would take this as a sign that those friendships have served their purpose and the time has come to let them go.

Post # 6
Member
852 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

 

DontWorryBeeHappy123:  I had to do some re evaluating post wedding of certain friendships.  While I have not cut some friends completely out of my life, I have done some re positioning in regards to the importance these people have in my life.  One of my bridesmaids was a total nightmare during the entire wedding process.  I realize now that she was being her normal self (selfish) and I was expecting her to act differently when it came to my wedding.  I realize that I was expecting her do do/act/say things that were completely out of her character (not be selfish).  Was I asking a lot of a “normal” person?  Absolutely not.  Was I asking a lot of her?  Yes.  So while we are still friends I have scaled back what I do for her and our relationship and I am feeling better about things.  Sorry for the ramble…… basically take a good look at the friendships…. if there is a way to be friends perhaps in a different spectrum then go ahead….. if not, then I would suggest finding some new ladies to hang out with……..

Post # 7
Member
3097 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - A court...

Leave the first friend on her ” mommys island” & ditch the second one. The first one acts childish (well they both do) but to ship items to your house when you guys live in the same town because you upset her? Very dramatic. You even said you feel it’s like work to keep her happy so quit her lol. They both sound ungrateful. 

Post # 8
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee

DontWorryBeeHappy123:  It’s always hard when a friendship ends, but you will see in future that it is what needed to be done.  Don’t hang on to a relationship that makes you feel like crap.  People change, and clearly your friends have, so let them go their own way and you go yours.

Post # 9
Member
2762 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Oh man can I ever relate! Sometimes the little things people do can really help someone…you posting this has really made me feel ok again.  I just went through close to the exact thing as you with friend 1, on Friday. My good friend,  who also happens to be my husband’s first cousin,  and I were texting.  She asked how I was & I said annoyed & stressed, & she of course asked why. Now I’ve always been very careful on what things to disclose to her, and I never told her anything about my relationship with my new husband.  I just didn’t think he would want her to know.  Welll she’s told me everything from her relationship issues to her mom’s extreme gambling problems.  So I started telling her how I was annoyed that my MIL asked for a storage thing, (can’t think of the name,  flash drive?), of all of our wedding pictures so she could make copies & my fiance agreed to it without asking me. Plus both his parents would literally call & ask for it like every other day. Well, I didn’t want to give them control of all of my wedding pictures.  Firstly,  I hadn’t even had the time to go through them myself or with my husband, nor had I even had the chance to order my own wedding pictures for myself.  Secondly,  I didn’t want her printing pictures & handing out copies to anyone or showing anyone because I wanted to do that. They make great gifts in a nice frame for relatives & especially the cousins who were in the wedding. Thirdly,  I didn’t want just any old pictures used or displayed.  Usually the bride gets to pick her favorites & those are the ones that people get. Additionally he kept telling his parents that he’d have it for them in a day or two, every time they called.  My new husband doesn’t understand how busy I am. Yes, he works 10 hour days, but that’s all he has to do. I work part time but we have 2 dogs, his is the size of a horse, I have the dishes, laundry, I have to clean,  and take care of myself.  I get my hair highlighted, I get my nails done, I have to workout with a trainer because I’m just getting through a 7 year stint living in chronic pain, so I have doctors appointments & prescriptions, plus I have adrenal failure so I don’t feel very well most of the time AND it makes you extremely above & beyond tired, therefore I need more rest than the normal person.  Anyways, I was venting about that and then also told her 2 things that she did that hurt my feelings. I flat out said,  I’m not mad at you, I never was, I just wanted to let you know that my feelings were hurt. Oh & I was also venting about the family as a whole because everyone acts like they just love my husband’s brother’s wife, who is the devil. I could go on for hours about how rude, conniving,  & disrespectful this b***h is! But she was REALLY shitty during my bridal shower,  rehearsal dinner,  & wedding.  But yet everyone caters to her because they don’t want her to get upset.  Well after those last 3 events, I’ve absolutely had it. I’m pretty much the only one she treats this way & it doesn’t matter to this family.  While they’re trying so hard to kiss her ass, it’s really hurting my feelings.  Her behavior would not be accepted in my family & she would’ve been put in her place a long time ago. So I was also venting about all that crap, just like always.  Well my good friend,  the cousin,  told her mom that I was talking all this shit about the family & how I don’t want my MIL to have my wedding pictures. . .and her mom, who is my MIL’S sister called & told her. So now my husband has been on the couch since Friday,  hasn’t said anything to me except how big of a piece of shit I am, how I always sabotage relationships & that my MIL doesn’t want any pictures now & that I’ve basically put his brothers wife on a pedestal after what I did & how upset my MIL is & how my relationship will never be the same again with her. I’m just at a loss for words.  Why my ‘so called friend’ did this to me is just beyond me. All I did was very nicely,  mind you, tell her that there were 2 instances where she hurt my feelings.  She has created a life of turmoil for me now.  And this will be gossiped about throughout the whole family in 2 days. I’ve learned through this though that she always has to be the victim.  She has a spoiled attention hog little sister, so her way of getting attention is to play the “poor me” act. Instead of keeping her mom’s extremely severe gambling problem a secret, she told everyone.  And everyone she told,  her story was about her. How she’s so stressed, & she’s going to have to give money to her. I was at her house & she had already told me about it, we’ll my MIL had returned her call & she left the room to go tell her ‘poor me’ story all over again.  As I look back, she’s just always gaming for attention by being a victim.  So, yes I can completely relate to toxic friends.  I absolutely hated going to his family things bc of his brothers wife, but now, holy shit, I don’t know if I will ever go to one again.  I will never be friends with this girl ever again.  All she did was hurt a bunch of people’s feelings because she was probably not able to handle the fact that she hurt my feelings, and needed to be a victim & get some “poor you” attention. 

Post # 10
Member
2762 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I tried reaching out to my MIL by sending her a text. I asked her if we could talk about everything because I really wasn’t sure what I said that was so bad & hurtful.  I reminded her how I’ve always been a very respectable person,  especially to her, and I would like to at least have the opportunity to take responsibility for anything that I said that was hurtful or offensive. I was also wanting to make sure that words weren’t put in my mouth or taken out of context. I never said that I didn’t want her to have my wedding pictures.  And I would like to explain maybe some things she has questions about.  I also asked her why she wouldn’t have just called me & asked me what was going on instead of listening to gossip.  

Still haven’t heard from her.

I lost 2 very very important friends during my wedding planning time. I don’t understand why weddings bring out the bad in people.  Good friends are really hard to find any more.  It makes me so sad. 

Post # 11
Member
671 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

DontWorryBeeHappy123:  I want you as a friend!!!! I really have trouble making friends now – moved a few times, very shy etc. I have had ‘friends’ like this in the past. These poeple want attention for everything and basically it’s all about them. I agree with a PP, friend 1 is a psycho, I’d let her go. I’m sorry you put work into that relationship and you’ll be the one that’s sad about it. Honestly she may never care or realise the friendship she’s lost. Friend 2 is probably just having a silly fight with you. Let that one calm down for a bit and then you’ll probably end up hanging out again. 🙂

Post # 12
Member
1749 posts
Bumble bee

I think you should drop them as friends.

Both of those women sound really difficult and demanding. It sounds like you’re doing what you can to be a good friend, and they just don’t realize it or don’t care. They simply aren’t worth all of the trouble you’re going through for them.

Move on, find better friends, and enjoy a much less complicated social life — you’ve earned it. 

Post # 13
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Neither of these females are your friends. They are both energy vampires, and they are not worth your time or energy. Please, take this opportunity to walk away forever. Friends are grateful, they reciprocate, they are supportive. Tweedledee and Tweedledum should be best friends with each other. Ironically, they would probably hate each other. You could offer your friendship to others who would love to get to know you! Best of luck! 

Post # 14
Member
77 posts
Worker bee

Wow I am so sorry you are going through all of that. I read about both and my first thought was “Bye Felicia”. Let those people go. You are all at different stages of your life and are grown women, not middle schoolers. If they want to act like that, let them. You do not have to put up with it though. You sound like a very friendly person and you need people around you that are nice and don’t put off such bad vibes.

I’ve had to let go of some friends in the past because I could no longer put up with their BS anymore. Once I realized that the things they said or did finally crossed that line and I no longer wanted to fight to keep our friendships going, I walked away. I didn’t say anything. Just let the communication die out and stopped talking/hanging out/etc (in my defense, all of those things had been decreasing anyways). When they would ask what happened (6-9 months later), I would tell them. I wouldn’t be mean, but I let them know that they hurt me for the last time and instead of confronting them about it (which would get me nowhere as I’ve experienced with them in the past), I just walked away. I wished them the best of luck in their lives and said goodbye.

Don’t let these people get you down. That is a lot of time to be friends, but you have many other friends to make new memories with.

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