Post # 1
Over the past year – 6 months I’ve devolved a friendship with someone we’ve started to spend a lot of time together, work on the same projects and she’s stayed with me
We always have such a laugh whilst we are together and get on really well.
However I’ve noticed she has started to nit pick about ALL aspects of my life… such as how my political views and choices are all wrong and how hers is so much better and how I’m a horrible person for thinking these certain views just because they are different to hers.
she even commented on my marriage saying she thought I was bored of him ( When she is currently in a toxic relationship with someone who has an addiction and has been cheated on many times by this person where as I am In a steady marriage and being with him for 7 years so I guess normal could be seen as ‘boring’? I’ve tried to defend myself as I was pretty offended by the comment that isn’t true and explained that living with someone and being married is different and we are in a different place in our lives as we were when we was just boyfriend and girlfriend and not living together.. not boring but different. Thing is I would never comment on her relationship like that so I’m not sure why she has to say things about mine even though her boyfriend he’s cheated on her many times and she’s still with him. I think to comment / judge someone’s marriage is so personal when you only see it from the outside just because we aren’t loved up 24/7 with puppy dog eyes doesn’t mean I’m bored. She’s openly told me how her boyfriend has cheated and treats her bad, I don’t judge like that but I offer kind words and support.. yet she says how im just ‘settling’ in my marriage which I think Is so rude considering she hasn’t known me that long
She even has stated to nit pick on how we treat our dog saying he isn’t very well behaved…even tho non of this is any of her business.
I’ve noticed she will bring things up which will make her seem better than me or me feel lower than she is.. we will be somewhere and she will mention how she thinks they prefer her or how a guy looked her up and down yet ignored me completely making her seem more desirable…not sure if this is a tactic to make me feel small and her superior?
I feel really judged and on edge with her even though we do have such a fun time too. Is this friendship toxic? Is she just commenting about all aspects of my life to make her feel better about herself and her failed relationship? She’s even picking apart the great parts of my life and achievements to make them negative.. but why? Is she just opinionated or is she being nasty / a different motive..
Just like to know people’s thoughts on this. Maybe we have been spending too much time together but I’m starting to feel dragged down about it all. I feel anything I do is wrong and my life is in judgement.
Post # 2
Have you talked to her about this?
Post # 3
theatrejulia : not yet, not sure how to approach it as yet as at the moment I feel a little manipulated and anxious.. but i would like to discuss it with her.. just wanted an outsiders view on it.. you start blaming yourself for someone’s actions even though all you have been is nice..
Post # 4
Your friend seems to have a whole lot of opinions, issues and insecurities. Dragging you down makes her feel better about herself, for a moment. I know people like this, they are toxic. In a friendship you should be accepted for who you are and not made to defend yourself. The only thing wrong here is you putting up with this. If she makes you feel bad and dragged down, this isn’t someone you should spend time with.
Post # 5
lola217 : I don’t why you’d want to socialise with a person like that at all. She criticises your marriage, your politics, your looks, how you treat your dog…
Friends don’t do that. I think this “friendship” has run its course.
Post # 6
shxbm : in regards to my political view eke started shouting at me saying how I was a f****** Awful person and selfish.. I said.. I’m sorry I can’t have the same opinion.. I’m a different person to you.
Post # 7
I have a friend just like that. Met her at work. She once made me cry at a meeting.
I ended up telling her what she did (in your case I guess you’d tell her what she does) was totally not cool for reasons X Y and Z. Ultimately she apologized but nothing really changed so I kind of did my own thing for a few months. I’m so glad I stood up for myself.
IMO, girls like that don’t really change. She ended up calling a few months later & we talk pretty regularly now except she is a bit more mindful of what she says and I have a lot of established space for when she becomes too much.
Some friendships are better in small doses.
Edit** or better off ended. Either way, do stand up for yourself. I think that’s important
Post # 8
So she says something disparaging about your marriage/ dog/ looks and you say nothing? Instead blame yourself? First, you need to stand up for yourself. Second, who cares if strangers think she is toxic? She is a first class jerk and you shouldn’t waste your time on a “friend” who has the gall to be so rude to you.
Post # 9
aussiemum1248 : this attitude towards me as only being noticeable after spending more time with her so its all happened really fast
oh my god I actually mentioned how my husband had a friend who was a girl and her response.. ‘ I bet he’s cheating on you, they all do that’ is this all because of her situation she then went on to say how if he cheated on me or I cheated on him we’d stay with each other – I wouldn’t but she kept asking I would regardless of me saying otherwise.. is this all because she’s stayed with someone who’s cheated on her?
Post # 10
megrays : we have spent a lot of time together.. she’s stayed at mine for a week or two which can be hard to live with someone day to day.. only noticed this when spending a lot of time with her didn’t notice it when I spent the odd day with her.. strange huh
Post # 11
lola217 : Omg no! Don’t let her stay with you! BOUNDARIES will be very helpful for you. Really.
Some girls are just like that. They are really great in some ways but also horribly emotionally manipulative.
My college roommate was like that too. We spent almost every day together. She very clearly was an alpha type personality and she used backhanded remarks to make me feel small.
I didn’t realize how much she was murdering my self esteem until I moved out. Hence, when I ran into a similar situation at work I knew I needed to do my own thing.
Create some distance and do not tolerate the mean words. If she gets mad, so be it. She can’t physically hurt you. Don’t have her at your place all up in your life, she’s probably bringing you down like crazy!
Post # 12
I had a “friend” like this, also met at work.
She threw me under the bus and made me look bad at a few meetings, criticized my wedding in a variety of ways, even said my mom (who no one knew was fatally ill at the time) “didn’t look too good” at my wedding. Once, she was awful to me during a very painful breakup because I didn’t just suck it up and move on so easily (although I think she was more upset I wasn’t able to listen to her near daily life rants at the time). During the elections, she publicly bashed my husband on FB for a fairly neutral comment he made on his own page in response to someone else–she just came out of the blue and slammed him. And she used to see him at his work sometimes (he works at the car dealership she bought her car from)…and complained about things she found offensive about me–to him!
After all of this I decided she just wasn’t a good friend at all. I gave her several chances. She made me feel way more bad than good. I started by defriending her on FB but she saw that pretty quick and reached out with a final email that took no accountability for her actions over the years. I never responded. I feel a lot better not having to wonder what she will do to put me down next!!!
Post # 13
megrays : I’m going to create some distance between us I need a break. She’s always messaging me, trying to call.. or staying with me. She left today and it’s actually a relief that she’s gone I felt like I was under watch and couldn’t do anything without judgement.
its the fact she’s staying at my place and thinks it’s ok to say these things.. even if you thought them you don’t have to say then.. not sure ifs it’s insecurity or jealously but it’s something
Post # 14
well if she was around you dog a lot and it’s not well trained, that comment sounds valid
you do need to talk with her and tell her exactly what she says and how it hurts your feelings, and how if she’s trying to be helpful her comments need to be constructive not just negative. Also bring up things you think she’s being hypocritical about, like her boyfriend. I think that she’s been surrounded by so much negativity that it’s normal to her and she might not realize her behavior isn’t normal, you can help her see the light here. Slap some sense into her! Dont be supportive about this cheating addict loser boyfriend, ask her why she has such low self esteem that shed allow herself to be treated like that? Give it to her straight! Some people need tough love. She wants to dish it, she needs to take it!
You can change her life 🙂 ……..and if this doesn’t work, just cut her out of your life completely
Post # 15
Life is short. Why waste your time with a person who treats you like crap?