Toxic relationships – ladies be strong

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 4
Member
561 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

@eecuadrado:  I’m not in a toxic relationship, but I’m commenting because someone else is!
Stay strong ladies! 

Post # 6
Member
561 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

@eecuadrado:  I’ve sent the message to a friend! She’s going through a hard time right now with her FI and two kids! Thank you for writing all this out!

Post # 8
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

That is an AMAZING post!

I dated three guys who dated me like total garbage before DH–And I was completely convinced that my life would be awful without them!

And I was SO WRONG. I could not have been more wrong!

Post # 10
Member
1057 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

When I read through your story, the pictures from my previous toxic relationship all coming back ……… lady, I feel you and I totally understand what you been through and glad that you found the Mr. right that will treat you right. 

It wasn’t my first love but I was in a toxic relatoniship for 3.5 years. I’m so glad that I made the decision to leave him before we actually married. Yup, we bought the condo together and I paid for engagement photo deposit…without a ring…. ready to go aganist the world to be with this guy……how silly, like you, my brother was ready to cut it off with me because of this ridiculous man. My heart was broken when I found out my brother change the password on his front door and not telling me….. I was isolated and manipulated…….. 

Like you, when I finally walk out from that relationship (without dating another person, I’m so proud of myself).  I am back and free!!!  I have to admit that when I found out he finally engaged recently, I felt like  a truck hit me but still I’m glad I made the right decision.. perhaps the best decision in my life.  It was hard, really hard, especially negotiating money issue with someone I love dearly ….. obviously we did not get married but I felt like I went through a divorce with him…as I have to investigate past transaction in our joint account, I had to go to notary office sign the paperwork……. 

 

Fast forward, I’m happily engage with my FI.  He is the best man I ever been with in my life.  I was at a house warming party with him, a lady quietly observe him and asked me “Does he always clean all the dishes at home too?” I said “yeah, he is always like that. Whenever he goes over to friends’ house, he make sure the kitchen is clean before he take off” and the lady give me a big smile and said he is a keeper … hahaha, my sneaky FI heard it and told me he heard what she whispered to me Laughing

Post # 12
Member
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

To @eecuadrado:  Great post with an IMPORTANT Message, that EVERY woman should read !!

(And so well written too)

I was in a Toxic Relationship / Marriage for over 20 years.  There was NO ME left by the time all was said and done.

I was therefore “ripe” to be in another such relationship (infact on my voyage to come out the other side in one piece, I certainly met several men who would have taken me down the same road once again)

I am soooo thankful, that I recognized that my life was a mess (lol, wasn’t hard to do, I was in the “Depression” stage of recovery… and wasn’t functioning well)… so I went to get some help / counselling.  I had a wonderful Therapist (a Saint if you ask me)… and some great GFs who nursed me back to health.  It was a slow burn… and took me a long time to be able to see the dawning of a NEW Healthier me.

And like yourself, when it finally happened, I was sooo confused by my patterned past, that I didn’t even recognize a good man when one walked into my life.

I met Mr TTR thru a mutual friend, and as much as I thought he was cute / charming… I also didn’t sense enough “bad boy” there to attract me.  I had lived my whole life with the bad boys that I couldn’t for the life of me see what was soooo appealing about a man who wasn’t one.

Mr TTR tho is a man with an AMAZING heart… he is as much a part of my recovery as my Therapist, Best GFs, and me… he liked me for me.  The me I was.  Not the person that had spent 20+ years being moulded into the person that someone else wanted me to be to win them over, have them love me (my old pattern… of what can I do to be the woman this man wants ??)

Uh no.

Mr TTR was fascinated with the person I was at this moment in time.  The witty me, the smart me, the person who has her own interests and hobbies (stuff that my Ex would tell me were stupid)… the me who’s weight went up and down like a yo-yo (ala Oprah) and was very much emotionally screwed up when it came to relationships.  The me that said “I think you are cute, but seriously I don’t want to date now… I just want to be friends”

That me.  The me that put Mr TTR’s interest in me ON HOLD for months… while I safely enjoyed our friendship with a circle of mutual friends… until one day, when I said the magic words that would change my life forever “Ok, I’ll go out to Dinner with you, but it won’t be a date per se, it will just be the 2 of us hanging out”

And he was ok with that.  No pressure

But in reality he charmed me by continuing letting me have the space I needed.  He waited until I felt not THREATENED in any way shape or form, and then I couldn’t help but fall for him (lol, mind you the whole time, I was telling myself… WHY am I seeing this guy, he clearly isn’t my type)

BUT I am sooo happy that I had the “common sense” to do so.

The man changed my pattern, and my life.

I too now know and understand what TRUE LOVE is supposed to look like / feel like.  It is supposed to be about being comfortable in your own skin, and who you are.  It isn’t meant to make you change who you are for someone else … it is meant to bring out the best qualities you already have… and embrace them.

TRUE LOVE isn’t supposed to be some crazy rollercoaster of emotions… it is supposed to be STABLE & SUPPORTIVE.  Period.

Mr TTR & I are nearing a decade of being a couple, and we are truly happy.  We rarely even have a disagreement.  And NEVER a fight that includes screaming and tantrums.  NOW I understand that tantrums are for children !!

We don’t call each other names.  Fling insults or worse objects.  We don’t throw punches or furniture.  There is nothing BROKEN at our house.  Including our relationship.

This is what a HEALTHY RESPECTFUL Relationship is supposed to look / feel like.

Life is hard enough… Marriage is for a long time, thru a lot of external uncontrolable events it is best undertaken when two people TRULY LOVE EACH OTHER and RESPECT EACH FOR WHO THEY ARE… and SUPPORT EACH OTHER IN THE JOURNEY

That is what a NON-TOXIC PARTNER looks like.

And I am sooo happy that I finally have one… it took me 40+ years to find him, and he to find me… but it is soooo wonderful.

Like you, I pass along my wisdom (don’t do what I did) to other Bees in hope that I can help someone avoid the pain & suffering that I went thru

It just isn’t worth spending time in your life being in a TOXIC relationship when CLEARLY IT ISN’T THE ONLY CHOICE.

As they say… Mr Wonderful cannot find you when you are tied down to Mr Horrible… all your energy and goodness is being sucked into a system where you are in a constant spin evolving around the world that Mr Horrible has CREATED

It isn’t easy… it is a journey into the unknown for sure… but @eecuadrado: you and I are proof it can be done… and the rewards are well worth the uncertainty that presents itself when you take the first step and walk away into what can only be seen as the darkness… but it truly is the dawning of a new day and a new way of living.

It takes courage to make that move… but the rewards are beyond one’s imagination.  I knew I wanted happiness when I was married to my Ex… infact it was ALL I truly wanted… LOVE & HAPPINESS.

But even in all that I envisioned, I never could imagine just how GREAT that truly is in reality when you finally find it.  It is beyond words really.  So glad I took those first hard fought steps to make it happen.

Here’s hoping others follow in our footsteps.

 

Post # 13
Member
1057 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

eecuadrado

Thank you~~ 

Yes, it was really hard to walk out from that relationship… especially the whole world know I was engaged with him and we bought a condo together as well.  During that 3.5 years was really hard, one of my guy friend literally tell me “can you don’t bring him out when you hang out with us?”. Yup. Exact wording.  I guess I should thanks him, if it’s not because he closed our joint account without telling me… I  wouldn’t made that decision.  I also bought the guy dinner who made me doubt the relationship….

I was engaged and my brother’s who only met my ex twice made a comment to my SIL “are you sure gpiglet want to marry that guy? can you tell her she deserve better and she has no problem finding someone 10 times better”.  When my SIL told me casually, I was in shock.  My family might be bias, my friends can be all bias, but a guy who only met him twice made that comment???   Then my SIL told me to check our joint account which I never bother look into it cuz’ he works in the bank and I always trust him 100%.  damn, when I look, I felt horrified…. not only the account was closed………when I investigate with the banker, demanding to look at past transaction..there are soooo many unknown in and out transaction going through that account that I’m not aware of.  I’m not talking about couple hundred here and there. 

I’m talking about few thousand or 10+K in and out …….that horrified me… a man can do all these behind my back and go so far to closed the account took the remain balance out (not that much, was only 3K left after we paid downpayment)….. how do I know if one day .. I go back home, he might sold the house and I have nothing left? 

It is that thought make me think it’s really time to say goodbye……. 

Post # 14
Member
1248 posts
Bumble bee

@eecuadrado:  wow. my best friend could have written this post. It got to the point where they were physically abusive and emotionally abusive to each other. Everyone around her sugar coated things. I tried to help her get passed him (including buying a plane ticket from louisiana to south florida where she was living at the time). I spent a weekend with her, then she got right back together with him. it was SO TOXIC.

I finally told her I couldnt bare witness to her ruining her life. I had hoped she would see if her bestfriend of 15 years at the time had to walk away that maybe she would realize how she was living was not ok. I know she was miserable.

Your story ended much better than hers. Although she has now married a great, God fearing man, one night she did something tragic. Her toxic BF was ignoring her, she was drunk, and to get his attention, jumped out of a 2nd story balcony. Crushed her foot, ankle, and broke her back. She was airlifted to the hosipital (and still paying that bill). She cant wear heels, can never run again. and these are constant reminders of the horror she lived through with him. Of course I was immediately there for her, sent her flowers, and we put our friendship back together. BUt she still stayed w toxic bf. Even had sex with him while wearing a effing back brace! Then she came back to louisiana to visit. SHe was using a wheelchair & walker. And happened to meet the man of her dreams. She moved back, and is now SO in love.

I’m so thankful she made it out alive. But she will always have the scars of the terrible situation she stayed in for so long.

Post # 15
Member
1057 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

This Time Round 


wow, I cannot agree more with you on what true love supposed to be like!!! 

I always thought true love mean I would give up everything and love that person, doing things to put a smile on him and ask nothing in return. er… NO, it’s not. True love mean you do not have to try at all, just be respectful with each other, care for each other as if he is part of your family and BE YOURSELF. A man truely love you would love the way you are, no need to try. Those artiles about how to make a man fall for you are BS. Cuz’ in reality, you do not MAKE a man fall for you, they just do.  Tongue Out

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