- 4 years ago
- Wedding: March 2014
I told this old entry from my old blog on my computer and I teared up a bit and cannot believe how far I have come!!! I’m now engaged, pregnant, and getting married in November. I couldn’t be happier and wanted to share this for all those ladies who haven’t gotten there yet to show that you will get there. Things will turn around. I promise.
As we all know I am heavy on making Sex in the City references, so here’s another one. Carrie and Big. How romantic! What?! Let’s get this right; dating on and off for TEN years, no commitment, constant tears, mind games, then when he’s FINALLY ready to commit he gets cold feet, leaves her at the altar then after months of depression they find their way to each other and tie the knot at city hall and have breakfast at Denny’s! This is romantic?! Every girl who watched the show desperately wished they could have this “happy ending“, they prayed for the day that their men would have their “Big” moment and commit. WAKE UP! It’s TV. Don’t get me wrong I love Carrie and Big but realistically a relationship like that is beyond rare, some may even say nonexistence.
Ladies is that what you truly want? To allow a man to have control, to have the power to say whether you guys are together or not?! When did we become so weak, so passive, so comfortable? Most women have become to comfortable in their relationships that they are afraid to start fresh; to open to someone new or worst; to be alone.
I would never speak without experience so allow me to share my experience.
I was 18 years old a freshmen in college and completely lost. I was going through an extremely difficult time in my life where I had no idea who I was or what I was doing in life. Through my journey of false soul searching I re-met a guy, let’s call him Black. I had met Black awhile ago in church. He’s smile was so captivating but he was in a relationship and I was not a home-wrecker and fast forward to a year later there he was, a pending friend request on Facebook aka the devil. With an ear to ear smile I clicked accept, we were now “friends” and I saw his relationship status was now single. Game on. We happened to be in the same college so instantly and insanely I think it’s fate, has to be right? As time went on I soon realized this knight in shining armor was just a fool in aluminum foil.
In the beginning it was rainbows and butterflies. Our “honeymoon” stage was great and I quickly fell for his charm. I was a virgin and just like that he became my first. My first love. After 3 long months my virginity was gone and so were the butterflies. The lies started rolling in, the cheating had began. I broke up with him and I was a wreck. Heartbroken. A week or two later we were back together. This was the beginning of something so toxic. The moment I went back to Black was the moment that I said that his cheating was acceptable.
At first we would break up every 3 months for a week, which then became every month for two days, until it finally got to the point where we became violent. There we were in the car as his phone rang and the name of one of his many girl “pals” appeared next thing I know I punched him in the face. Now in no way shape or form is this acceptable behavior but I was gone and then things had gone off the deep end. My hair was now tangled in between his fingers and my head against the dashboard. He turned on the car and drove off taking very red light, purposely trying to scare me and it was working. I began punching him the arm and told him to stop he wouldn’t listen so again I punched him in the face, three times. He stopped the car. That was the same day we stopped respecting each other. We ended up in front of my mom’s house and the fight continued this time outside of the car. We were finished. For now.
Horrible. Although I was lost and didn’t know who I was, I knew I wasn’t this type of woman. I was always so judgmental of women who were “stupid” enough to stay with someone who cheated on them, to stay with someone who clearly didn’t love them, to stay in an abusive relationship; physical or mental. There I was being that exact women I would harshly criticize. I was in love. I was in a toxic relationship.
I got to the point where I dropped out of school, quit my job, and did nothing but love Black. My family and friends were up in rage, they couldn’t understand why I chose to stay by his side after all the horrible things. It was because I loved him for all the good. He was there for me at one of the toughest times in my life. In reality he took away the pain from all my problems and gave me new pain from the all the heartache he caused me. Some friends even stopped talking to me. They couldn’t stand by and watch their friend go through this. I know understand that.
Two and half years of this non-sense. During our break-ups I would reach out to my male friends and it wasn’t until right now, sitting here writing this post, that I realize these men were the ones who pulled me out of the ashes. They showed me the power within me. During one of our break-ups I got a new job, was enrolled for the upcoming semester, and was signing a lease to my very own apartment.Through all this good I only wanted one person by my side, Black.
My very first night at my apartment he was there painting for me, doing all the sweet things he use to do which lasted all of 2 weeks. After 3 months of being apart we were back together and doing the same dance. This time around was different because I had great friends who were always there with me to uplift me so very time Black was out doing his foolishness I was with my friends enjoying myself and my new found success. The chains that had bound me for so long were slowly coming apart, link by link.
April 20th, 2012, after not seeing Black for a week (we were a couple at the time) he called to cancel our date. I called my closest guy friend and we went to see “Think like a Man”. The whole ride over there he gave me hell about how I need to let go, I have to be alone and enjoy a new relationship, a relationship with myself. After seeing the movie, as dumb as it may sound, the love goggles came off and I could see clearly. That next morning I called Black and told him we were over, for good. That is how it remained.
I was free. I was happy. I was me. I no longer felt that desperation of waiting for his call or waiting for him to come around. Does not mean it was easy. Of course he was still the one I wanted there for all the good and bad times but I heavily relied on my friends and they were there. For every night when I wanted to go out and let loose to the nights where I just wanted to lay in bed and eat Ben and Jerry’s. The stages of a break-up are intense. First your happy, then depressed, then happy, then angry, and lastly; YOU’RE OKAY. These stages where horrible but I didn’t face them alone.
I was quickly dating within a month. Which led me to the man of my dreams, my sweet Matthew.
Word got to Black and October 2012 he started trouble. 6 months of not speaking I found myself calling him; after he had posted pictures of us on his social networks with a caption which said “*insert sad emojis here* Everyone has that one…Till this day I remember it like it was yesterday…never will I be satisfied. #myhappymoments.” He also had sent me 11 text messages saying how this time was different he had changed and he would never let me go. (“let me go” do you see the control) So in this phone call I had a lot to address. Although I should have just said I’m in a new relationship leave me alone, I questioned his actions of love, I asked him how he was and continued a conversation with him. It was as if we never skipped a beat. I hung up, did not clear up anything, and saw Matt’s face. Now he knew everything that was going on but what he expect was for me to have told Black that I was happy and to leave me be. My heart broke. How could I be so quick to forget to tell Black that? Long story short; I sent him an e-mail telling him how although I wanted to believe him I knew we were different people and I was in love with someone else. He took it well, as well as anyone who was being let down, could take it.
Yes I was in love with someone else and it wasn’t Black for the first time in almost 3 years. It was hard though. When you are with your first love that is how you picture love to be. Whether it is good or bad, that is what you know love to be. So when I was falling for Matt I didn’t believe it to be love because it wasn’t the same love I had with Black, but it was love true love. My actual first true love.
I was able to finally break free from my toxic relationship. I thought I was broken that I couldn’t go one without him. But I did and I’ve never been happier. I wasn’t broken. “You’re not broken baby, you are a fabulous chandelier, who has lost a crystal, but with or without that crystal, you still shine.”
Ladies, you are strong, you have power, and you are who ever you want to be.
Please if you know of anyone who is in a toxic relationship, relay this blog post to them. Thank you for reading and please share your kind words.