Post # 1
I haven’t been here very long but i’ve noticed a few things since I have about the majority here that has me a little confused, yet curious if anyone else has come to the same conclusion.
I noticed this board is very pro-cohabitating before marriage, anti having kids before marriage. this isnt to say every bee here who posts feels this way, but the majority seem to adapt to this ideal from what ive read and seen in user polls here.
doesnt living together increase your chance of having kids before marriage?
having your FI ask for your hand seems to be another popular tradition here.
how is it you can be traditional in some instances, and not others its a bit contradicting.
50 years ago living together before marriage was taboo, now i understand change happens with time. but how do you pick and choose what traditions you are going to follow?
is this how your parents did things? or did you choose another route from them.
i genuinely want to know this, no trolling involved here.
Post # 3
“doesnt living together increase your chance of having kids before marriage?” No. Boning without BC does.
“I noticed this board is very pro-cohabitating before marriage, anti having kids before marriage.” I have noticed the exact opposite.
“how is it you can be traditional in some instances, and not others its a bit contradicting.” Free will.
“is this how your parents did things? or did you choose another route from them.” My wedding was nothing like my parents probably because I am a completely different person.
Post # 4
Obviously there is no one answer. Everyone has to do what is right for them at the time.
I disagree that the majority of us are anti having kids before marriage. I don’t know where you got that impression.
Many, many couples live a happy and long life together without marriage- with and without children.
Post # 5
@WillyNilly: bahaha “boning” lol
Post # 7
You bring up some good points here. I’m on my second marriage so I didn’t follow tradition at all the second time around.
First marriage, he didn’t ask my Dad and that was something both of them never got over. We did NOT live together first and had a super long engagement…finished college first and then waited to TTC until we had a house a few years later. I was very traditional back then.
Second time around, we lived together and started TTC before marriage since I was 35 when we got married. We’ve been married over a year and no kids as of yet.
I can’t really comment on my parents or aunts/uncles, etc. since they ALL got married by the age of 17….which is probably why they always pushed me to finish college first.
Post # 8
@texasbee: You know I always forget how much things have changed just in the last century. That is crazy. My grandmother had my dad at 16 and they also got married then…I think that was, like, 1952 or something. Crazy!
Post # 9
@NickiBee: I agree with the living together before marriage but not having kids before marriage. Just like with most other things in life, I like to be sure before I make a huge commitment. The old analogy of taking a car for a test drive comes to mind. I want to know we can live together before we marry. A big HOWEVER… I only moved in with my SO after we had the marriage talk. I made the mistake of moving in with my ex with no commitment, and it was a disaster.
For me, having kids is the ultimate commitment and I would definitely want to be married first. Cohabiting is reversible if it comes to that. Kids are not.
How do you pick and choose what traditions you are going to follow?
Well… I do what works best for me, and our relationship. I guess what “feels right”. For example, we’re skipping the traditional wedding (just eloping due to many reasons), but I want the traditional engagement ring. I am being untraditional by helping pick my ring, though.
I consider myself a fairly traditional person in a lot of respects, but for certain things I am more modern. I try to learn from my mistakes as well as others’ mistakes.
Post # 10
@NickiBee: Traditions are nice that way, you can choose the ones that suit your lifestyle and ignore the ones that don’t. It’s not like a religion lol, it’s just an option you can take or leave.
And no, living together doesn’t “increase your chances” of having a kid before marriage, presuming you know how to use birth control.
And yes, this is pretty much how my parents did it. They dated casually, then they moved in together, then they got married, then years later they had me. I will be skipping the last step since I don’t want any kids at all, but they did live together first.
Post # 11
@WillyNilly: My great grandma had my grandma at 15!!! And she was married to a 30 year old man (early 1900s) and then my grandma had my Dad at 17….my great grandma told me once when I was 22 that I “was no spring chicken anymore!”
Post # 12
While I think it’s true that many bees do live with their SOs before marriage, I haven’t really noticed a “belief” towards that being better than not. I’ve also not noticed much of anything regarding beliefs about kids before marriage.
Post # 13
@NickiBee: Well there isn’t one answer for everyone. I don’t care about a lot of traditions, particularly ones I think are silly. I pick and choose what makes the most sense to me, so I use my reason.
I don’t think my fiance had to “ask for my hand” because I’m freakin 28 years old! The only permission he needs to marry me is mine.
We moved in together 3.5 months after we met…which sounds really soon. But it just felt right. We were engaged 9 months later. We probably wouldn’t have gotten engaged so soon if we hadn’t moved in together. I have never lived with anyone else. I do think it’s generally a good idea to live with someone before marriage though, for most people. Is it bad I actually have no idea whether or not my parents lived together?!?
No living together does not increase the chance of having a baby before marriage. I’m on the pill. I have never had one accident on the pill, so I’m not worried now.
As far as anti-having kids before marriage…I could care less. I am neither for nor against. Whatever your happy little heart wants to do!
Post # 14
@julies1949: and again i say i know not everyone feels the same from my OP. of course everyone has free will, this is just somethings i notice is popular on the bee.
im non traditional so im an outsider looking in wondering about these things.
I said where i got my impression, seeing several members who are adamant about marriage first before kids, one comes to the conclusion that this a popular way of thinking here.
evern with bc as a pp stated id put my money on a live in couple having a better chance of getting knocked up then a couple who lives apart. accidents happen, but thats just my take on it.
Post # 15
@texasbee: Ha! That’s awful. Ah, man.
Post # 16
I don’t pick ‘traditions’ because someone else did or it’s the cool thing to do. I choose to do certain things because it is what makes the most sense in my life. Living together before marriage worked best for me because it gave me a chance to see if we really can be together as a couple and deal with each others little ‘things’ without killing each other. It doesn’t mean you’ll get pregnant unless your having unprotected sex. We just do what is right for us, as everyone should.