Post # 1
Hello. I’m new here, first post! A little bit of background first, my boyfriend and I have been friends for 4 years and have been dating for almost a year and a half. We have been talking about our future together and have decided we are ready to take the next step. This past weekend my boyfriend took me to the jeweler and allowed me to pick out a ring. I am in love… with him and the ring!
My concern is my parents. They are very conservative and traditional and I’m pretty positive they will be expecting the traditional engagement happenings… boy asks permission, buys ring, surprises girl, etc.
Now my boyfriend and I were planning on telling them together in a few weeks when we have a dinner planned for my birthday. I’m just a little nervous as to how they will take our not so traditional ways.
Anyone been in a similiar situation?
Post # 3
If you say they are so traditional, I personally would give them the joy of having your boyfriend “ask” for their permission, as long as you aren’t offended by the old way of thinking that a wife was more property than companion (I don’t know, some women think it’s a bit offensive!)
It’s a very simple gesture that, as long as you’re sure they would give their blessing, would probably mean a lot to them.
I think it also has to do with your age. If you’re just within a few years of leaving their dependence, say 21-26 or so, it would mean a lot. If you’re more 27+ or have been completely independent for a while, then I think you should do what you want as an adult.
Personally, I think it is a very sweet and endearing tradition that my parents would really like to see, so when SO gets around to proposing to me, he’s going to ask my father first.
It’s all what you are comfortable with though!
Post # 4
My parents were expecting my DH to ask my dad and the whole thing… But, we decided together that it was right for us to get engaged, and we went to buy a ring together… Sounds familiar? 🙂
So, when we went to my parents to announce them, I simply didn’t say anything, but had the ring on… I always had rings on that finger, so it took a few minutes for my mom to realize that this was a different one.
When she did, she was sooo excited she forgot her traditional ways… My dad wasn’t in the room, so she yelled at him to come here, because D had something to ask him – so we said actually we have something to tell…
Find a cute way to tell them, so the surprise takes over the expectations, and I’m sure you’ll be fine.
Post # 5
- Wedding: October 2010 - Ladder 15 Restaurant
We have difficulty with his traditional parents since we’ve done things a little “out of order” but you know what? In the end, the most important thing is that we do things the way that makes US the happiest. It’s our day and we just put up with their less-than-enthusiastic comments.
We have friends that are getting married a couple of weeks before us and they’ve done EVERYTHING their parents wanted. They aren’t very excited about the wedding as a result and it seems like a waste of money if you aren’t excited about your own wedding!!
Post # 6
Welcome to WeddingBee and congratulations on picking out a ring!
How would you feel about your boyfriend asking for your parents’ permission to propose anyway?
I am traditional; my parents are traditional. It was very important to me that my FI talk to my parents. That said, my fiance and I had looked at ring a bit together, then he asked their permission, then he proposed. It all still felt very traditional and wonderful and we were all happy.
Post # 7
hmmm….I have been in that situation. My dad was always one of those that said his future son in law had better ask for permission. lol Considering how I was brought up, it’s almost ironic my dad was like that. He raised me to be extremely independent and since I left home at 18, I’ve been on my own…and in no way was I my dad’s property or anything like that. My dad’s view was it was more of out of respect that my DH should ask…more so, my dad had up until that point in time been my #1 guy and for my dad to let go of that title so to speak, he wanted to make sure the new #1 guy was a good enough guy for his daughter. lol He also had the mindset that if my DH didn’t have the balls/respect to ask my dad for permission then he was a pansy that didn’t deserve me. LOL That’s just my dad though. Ofcourse, I did my part of terrorizing my then FI and making him as nervous as possible…in the end, DH was Mr. Calm Cool and Collected and I was a NERVOUS WRECK and ready to puke. Guess my plan backfired on me.
My DH actually took it one step further and talked to my little brother who was 15 at the time. My bro and I are super super super close, like glue. We’re pretty much inseparable when I’m in my hometown. He’s one of my best friends. Well, my little bro was really struggling with the fact that I was getting married. And while DH didn’t necessarily ask my bro for permission to marry me, he did have a long talk with him and said no matter what that he was always welcome into our home and that DH considers my bro to be his bro now. I know that worked wonders for my little bro and he finally relaxed and relized that this new guy wasn’t stealing me away from the family (First time my DH met my dad & bro was when he was asking for permission….talk about HAVING to make a good impression lol).
Honestly, in your situation, if your parents are bugged by the fact that that your FI didn’t ask, they’ll get over it. If you FI is a good guy, which I’m sure he is, your parents will be thrilled and so happy for you 🙂 In the end, we can give you advice, but every situation is different and only you will know how your parents will react.
Post # 8
Congrats! That’s exciting stuff 🙂
Why can’t you just let them believe its more traditional. By him asking for their permission, then officially proposing? That way you’re all happy! That’s what I’d do if I were in the same situation.
Post # 9
Thank you all for the advice!
I am totally acceptable to having my boyfriend ask my parents permission. He has already stated that he would like us to do it together and I am perfectly fine with that as well. As I previously stated, we were considering sharing the news at an upcoming dinner.
In the end, I think we do need to do what is best for us. I am 23 and my boyfriend is 24. We are both completely independent however we spend alot of time with our families, especially mine (I am super close with my family). I think what it boils down to is the fact that I have always been the kind of person who has gone out of my way to make my parent’s proud and I hope that I can continue to do so. I know that both of our families will be nothing but thrilled with the news no matter how it all happens.
Thanks again ladies 🙂
Post # 10
I actually read on Miss Manners recently, that this whole “surprise the girl with the ring” thing is generally new, and not traditional in any sense. I think she said that traditionally a couple would decide to marry, the guy would discuss it with her family, he would propose, and then they’d go pick out a ring together! She indicated that the recent trend of a surprise proposal is just the wedding industry trying to sell a perfect image and that any woman who was completely surprised by a proposal should probably stop and think before accepting!
Post # 11
I’m a bit like JsDragonfly and my parents raised me to be very independent but I’m glad my husband talked to my dad before asking – not that he needed to but it just was a nice time for my dad to welcome him into the family and showed some respect for not just asking me to be apart of his life but also almost asking to be part of my family. And for a lot of things I’m somewhat non-traditional but my mom cannot keep a secret, she would have tried but the tone of her voice would have been telling and she would have hinted and so I’m happy he just talked to my dad.
Post # 12
congratulations and welcome to weddingbee!
my FI and i definitely talked about our engagement, his ring shopping, etc. was all done in advance of the “permission call” it was a call for us, as my parents happened to live out of state 11 hour drive away.
FI’s original proposal plan was postponed, when he realized (after talking to my brother) that my parents wanted to “give me away” … so our weekend trip up north was just a weekend trip of sightseeing! ;P
it sucked to wait, but if my parents hadn’t been that way, i don’t know that i would’ve been surprised.
i had no idea when FI had the talk with my dad/mom/brother, but he did and we were engaged 2 months later, with me being completely shocked when he did it, even though we had been househunting and planning to get engaged for months!
it really isn’t that much that your parents are asking for… and it doesn’t have to be all formal and uncomfortable. i think the gesture in itself is thought enough!
Post # 13
I think whetheryou sk them or not depends on whether there is an actual proposal. If there is one and you don’t know when it will be, then I think it can be a nice touch if he ‘asks permission’. It just adds to all the excitement, and in my case, really made my parents feel very happy and less like they were losing me, even though I am 30 and have been out on my own for more than 10 years now.
Post # 14
You’re likely to find that the wedding is a series of little fights about tradition. I would suggest that you go with your approach, and set the tone from the beginning.
Post # 15
My parents were traditional in the fact that my FH had to ask my Dad’s permission before he could ask me to marry him. But we went ring shopping and my Mom knew that he was planning on talking to my Dad. It went very smoothly and I’m glad that he went by their expectations. I didn’t know when he was going to ask, but I knew it was coming so there was still that surprise factor :]
Post # 16
My fiance and I had looked at rings and talked about our future together first and he still asked my dad.. My advice is, he should still ask your dad then once he actually proposes, have the dinner where you tell your parents you are officially engaged.