Post # 1
Is anyone else getting grief on the fact that you’re going about costs in a traditional manner?
For example, my parents are shelling out a significant amount for the wedding and all the “traditional” bride costs. My FI and I sat down with both sides of the family and discussed costs and everyone agreed to stick with traditional ideas of how things were funded. Everyone going into it knew what was expected of them financially. (I come from a southern family, and being the only girl for my parents, it’s expected to do things in a very southern way). And clearly, my parents have that mentality as well with the costs. I’m fortunate to have parents like this. But so many people are actually criticizing us for the fact we are doing things traditionally. So what if it’s 2014, when you grow up in a certain household, certain customs just stay. I just want to hear from other bees going through this and how they’ve handled the criticism.
Post # 3
@AlmostMrsJPS: We are doing it completely non-trad.
I do wish my FH’s family would pay for the RD but aside from that, it’s cool.
Post # 4
@AlmostMrsJPS: I think if your parents want you to help you out that’s great.
I start to judge a bit when the bride expects them to help out instead of seeing it as a bonus. I have a friend who got engaged and the next day was sitting down and planning who would pay for what (including asking her FI’s family to pay for the honeymoon) with no discussion with the families. I asked if she had talked to their parents and she said “no, this is tradition so I would expect they want to follow that.”
Our parents paid for the majority of our wedding- it wasn’t split up in the traditional ways but we still paid very little. I never had anyone comment on it but I also never told anyone who was paying. I think you should just stop telling people who is paying if you want to avoid the criticisms.
Post # 5
@MrsBeck: We never told anyone who was paying for what. We all sat down the weekend after we got engaged and discussed the budget. Because my family said they were paying for the wedding and traditional bride costs, the FI’s family said they would cover the groom’s cost. No one was ever forced to agree upon anything, but it was ultimately the consensus that we would all stick to traditional aspects – especially considering how much my parents were anticipating to budget aside. I’ve just been frustrated because we did ultimately have expectations from the initial conversation with our families, and people are giving us grief about it. If we have to pay for something ourselves, neither of us mind, but when we mention to people that my side or his side is paying for something because it’s what we planned traditionally, people just scoff at the idea.
Post # 6
@AlmostMrsJPS: when I said “stop telling people who is paying” I meant outside of your family. Stop discussing your budget with other people and they won’t be able to give you grief. I don’t understand why someone would ask you who is paying or why you would bring it up- it’s none of their business.
Post # 7
@AlmostMrsJPS: I don’t see why it’s anyone else’s business. I wouldn’t judge as long as you didn’t stomp your feet and demand your parents pay because “they’re supposed to” (which it sounds like you absolutely didn’t).
Some traditions people like to keep for simplicity and to know what’s expected of them.
We are bucking tradition in a lot of aspects but we liked to keep some little things like him asking my father’s blessing (note: blessing not permission). It was actually more important to my Dad that he ask than it was to me so we did out of respect.
It’s all how you were brought up.
Post # 8
- Wedding: October 2014 - Our Backyard/Steakhouse
@AlmostMrsJPS: Why are you discussing it with other people?
Stop talking money with people who aren’t contributing and your problem is solved…end of story
Post # 9
I did not ask if my parents or his parents are paying for something. Although tradition says that the bride’s parents pay for everything, I cannot imagine them paying for my wedding when I am working and earn money and I can save for such an event. In fact, I did not ask for anyting. When my mom asked about how we (my parents and I) are going to go through this wedding, I just replied – its my wedding so Im taking care of everything. There is a tradition here (I dont know if its the same in the US) but the guests are invited at home a week before the wedding to give us a gift, and I told my parents, that I would appreciate if they just take care of that (appetizers and the cleaning of the house and be ready for the guests). On the other hand, I had a big fight with my FI, since he believes in tradition, and he and his family expects that my parents fork out everything. I told them, its either my way (Im paying and not continuing on pressuring my parents) or else, Im not getting married. Also, no one is telling me what I should do or not. Also, Im not paying for anything on my FI’s side. I know it sounds mean but im not sending my beautician or hairdresser over to their place before the wedding. 2 days ago a friend asked me “how much are you making your parents pay?” I told him “nothing, I earn enough to save and pay for the wedding”. He replied “but its tradition” …I told him, “to hell with tradition im 29 years old and not a 15year old school girl, if you cannot afford it, it doesnt mean you should have someone else paying for it”. On the other hand, my FI’s side of the family is so PRO tradition (coz obviously they have a son and dont want to pay for anything), did not even offer – unlike my parents who offered and I turned them down. That is why Im acting all mean and not involving anyone of my FI’s side in the wedding planning. But if your parents are ok with paying (mine can pay, I just feel that it is my event so I dont want to ask them for anything) and you are ok with it, just dont feel pressured in other people’s opinions. I could have easily been swayed into getting my parents to pay for everything. You do whatever you want. I would have wanted my FI’s side to at least offer to pay for something…but what can you do. You are lucky that you have 2 sides that understand how much a wedding costs and not shy away or leave the room everytime “money” and “wedding” pops up in a conversation.
Post # 10
@AlmostMrsJPS: We got engaged with the thought that we would take care of our own wedding.
My parents had a different idea and wanted to pay for everything, which is great! It does mean we’re having a more traditional wedding than originally planned, but I’m happy with what we’re doing.
His parents offered to host the RD, as well, so we’re pretty much just paying for the bits and ends that we think of and our honeymoon.
Post # 11
We are having our wedding paid for in the traditional manner. I never mention this to anyone (friends, other family, etc.) so no grief has come about….
Post # 12
@AlmostMrsJPS: We got engaged thinking we would pay for everything. Then my parents shocked us with everything covered by them, so we are doing it the traditional way, and so far no one’s giving me grief.
Post # 13
@AlmostMrsJPS: Who is giving you grief? The only people whose business it is to know who is paying for your wedding costs are you, your fiance, and whomever else is paying. Anyone else, it’s none of their business and I would not discuss finances outside of the group directly involved.
Post # 14
@AlmostMrsJPS: Who is giving you grief? If you are talking about your budget with people in real life, stop.
Or are you referring to the comments on your previous post about the rehearsal dinner? I think it came across that you expected your parents to be responsible for certain costs, and people just wanted to disavow the notion that anyone is responsible for paying for your wedding but you and your FI.
Nobody that I have seen comment has a problem with your parents offering to pay for your wedding. You are very lucky to have such generous parents! But we did want to point out that it is a gift, not something they owe you.
Post # 14
My dad has always stood firm that he will pay for my wedding and quotes his Dutch grandfather who said (in Dutch) that ‘the father is a banker provided by nature’. My SO has always been adamant that he doesn’t want anyone paying his way because he can do that himself. He wants for us to split the costs down the middle and each side pays half – so he pays for his half and if my parents want to contribute, they can contribute my half.
Personally, I don’t want things to be super expensive/blown out of the water, and I want to minimize fights. That means letting my parents pay for some things, me paying for others, and SO paying the rest. I have a feeling that SO’s family will want to be involved (whether it’s financially or not, I am not sure) – I’m happy to involve them in the planning aspects when appropriate and when it comes to money my SO can deal with their involvement. When we get actually engaged/planning is when we’ll figure out what the budget will actually look like and whether we will track costs to figure out ‘half’ at the end, or if we will assign areas of financial responsibility.
Post # 15
When I started dating my FI, my dad told me that he would take care of the wedding as a wedding gift. I think it’s a really nice thing for him to do for me, and frees up our own money to start saving for a house and a family. It’s not a financial burden to him, and I didn’t ask for it, so why not? Don’t understand why people would judge for your family wanting to do something nice for you.