- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
If she is now a "she", then she is your aunt and should be introduced as such. It'll make everything easier and I think it's the most respectful way, too.
I agree with the pp. Your aunts backstory isn't really any of their business.
O brother.. or sister.. haha.. sorry bad joke. Anyway, is there a need to introduce? If it were me I would just try to avoid it all together. You'll be mingling and stuff but on that day I wouldn't feel the need to introduce people unless they were at the same table and didn't know each other.
She wants to be introduced as your aunt, you introduce her as your aunt. The back story is nobody else's business.
I agree with the PP. She is now your aunt, and no explanation to FI's family is required!
it's not a problem unless other people make it an issue. it's a wedding and people should be on their best behavior. i doubt it will even come up. if your family member now identifies herself as a woman than you should address her as such.
Agreed on the backstory not being anyone's business, and I'm sure that if I even do any introductions myself (which frankly I'm going to avoid because half of the so-called "family" on my side that my mom insisted be invited I haven't even seen since I was a toddler and will inevitably forget or screw up names), I would obviously use Aunt. But I do worry that some of the family members on my side in the know, once they've had a few, may decide to start gossiping. And while that isn't really my problem and shouldn't be my concern on the day, right now it makes me nervous. I just want HER to be comfortable, you know? But I guess I can't help it if that does happen. Sometimes I wish I didn't give a s**t about anyone's feelings. Life would be so much easier...
I doubt anybody will question your aunt, anyways.
BTW, i have a calculus teacher of mine from 4 years ago who used to be in the army! Has 4 young boys, a wife, and now wears sweaters and pink clothes and dresses to work. Unfortunately the voice is a dead giveaway and I don't know if my teacher is taking hormones or not, but she looks VERY much like a he still! There was some gossip but I think eveyone's over it basically.
For lack of being insensitive, somebody like my prof would stand out and raise questions. But if your aunt has had all the surgeries, no way will anybody even question it. Introduce her as "she" as it is respectful, if introductions even come up at all.
I can imagine it's a unique situation knowing someone as they once were, but she is who she is now and I'm sure she'd appreciate your...tact (?) regarding the matter? Maybe tact is the wrong wrod. Perhaps sensitivity is. As in, don't draw attention to it if she doesn't want it there.
She is definitely not OBVIOUS and I really don't think anyone would know if they weren't explicitly told, so here's hoping the people who do know the backstory also know to be discrete about it. Knowing some of these people, though, that may be a stretch. Sigh.
I would honestly just ask your aunt how she would like to be introduced and call it a day. Just be respectful of her wishes and what makes her comfortable. She may not even want to be introduced, you know?
I can imagine this is hard on you. Having known someone for so long and then to completely do a 180 like that must be emotional tiring at points. But kudos to you for being accepting and supportive.
It's not really that hard on me personally. I'm a live and let live girl. I'm more concerned with my Dad's comfort level to be honest. I just can't see him using the term "sister" or even the she pronoun and I've tried to play out scenarios in my head and how he would react to someone coming up and saying "Oh I met your sister" or whatever and, I dunno, it's just kind of awkward. Pops IS footing the bill for this shindig and I don't want him to be uncomfortable, but he was fine with inviting her. Also, my cousin ("aunt's" daughter from before the operation, obvi) will be there too and I haven't seen her since long before any of this went down. I wonder what their relationship is like now...
Thinking about stuff like this makes me kind of angry about the cuts I've had to make from the guest list. Like, I'm sitting here being like HMMM I wonder what my cousin looks like now and what her relationship with her transgendered father is, and then I have to go and tell friends of mine I can't invite them? Like WTF is that? That should be a separate post, though, huh? :)
I think the more embracing everyone is of your 'aunt', the easier it will be for your father. It would be disrespectful and just plain odd to call your aunt your uncle (even though that's who she was). Your father will likely always have a difficult time with it, just in the way it's a bit strange to you (as you've always known him as your uncle).
I think you should just let the chips fall as they may and try your best not to worry about it. People will have their own reactions and your father is willing to accept the social challenges of being with his new sister, since he's ok with her being there.
There's bound to be some awkward moments between those who know - and imagine how your aunt must be feeling!!! - but anyone who doesn't know the back story doesn't need to be informed of such and the more 'normal' you try to make things (ie: introducing her as your aunt) the better the transition will be over time.
I think you shouldn't worry too much about your cousin & aunts relationship. If you haven't heard otherwise, I'd assume they're okay and/or working it out.
Are you going to be personally introducing all your family members to his family? I think she'll introduce herself as "Kittyachi's Aunt" so if you were to refer to her as your uncle it would require some explaining.
Oh i see what you are saying. HOpefully your family just keeps their damn traps shut! It's rude to gossip
Have you emailed her? If you are close like that--you could ask her if she's concerned. I"m sure she's met lots of adversion and will probably tell you not to worry. Tell your dad you're just concerned he'll give it away and maybe he'll just act cool. In the long run, she is sitll his sibling and while he may not agree/approve, i doubt he'll throw her under a bus.
There may be a few rude people, but mostly, it sounds like people will be accepting and not care. That quells gossip quickly
Plus, who's gonna gossip when they're there for YOUR wedding? HOpefully the topic is about you and your Fi and how pretty blah blah blh
You know, the thing is, if she feels comfortable (and i'm sure this won't be her first time possibly being uncomfortable!) she will come and not worry about it, and that's exactly what you should do, too. Introduce her as your aunt. And if someone does say something to your dad, I'm sure that for your sake, he'll grin and bear it, even if it is hard for him.
Just hope for the best! Good luck!
Easier said than done, but don't worry about it. I had some people at my wedding and RD that I was so confused as too how I was going to introduce them. My husband's family is way more formal, traditional type family. I was so concerned about how to introduce my uncle's girlfriend who he says is his wife, or my great-uncle's date who wasn't his wife or my godsister who thinks of me as an aunt. I could go on and on.
At the end of the day, I was so busy smiling for the camera and dancing that I didn't introduce ANYONE. People will just mingle among themselves. Let your Dad and your Aunt/Uncle handle it.
I think it would be easiest just to introduce her as her name. If she goes by sue, say: This is Sue. Problem solved. As far as people talking... the people who know will talk or not and you can't do anything about it. the people who don't know won't. And if people want to gossip there just isn't anything you can do. Hopefully people will be more focused on you and your husband than the gender of your new aunt.
I guess at the end of the day people who want to gossip will always find something to talk about. Maybe I'll get one of my friends to wear a skanky dress or something. Then the drunk old biddys can have a field day about that instead...
Maybe I'm misunderstanding here, but you're not talking about introducing her over a microphone, you just mean when you see FI's Uncle Bob you want to say, "Bob, this is my aunt Sue." That's all. And yogigal is probably right -- other people are going to be doing that kind of chat-thing, it's not up to you as the bride! You'll be fine, promise.
Yah I agree with previous posters, you should definitely introduce her as your aunt, if that's what she'd prefer!
you say she isnt obvious but trust me... people will be wondering so to heck with it all. as she is post op, out of respect i would refer to her as your aunt - there is no need for discussion on it but i would at least let your most FI's most immediate family know (ie his parents at the minimum)
There's already a lot of good advice here, but I wanted to throw in my two cents... I definitely agree that your aunt probably has encountered a lot of awkwardness and will not be surprised or shocked by whatever rude or weird behavior she encounters. Not that it's ok for people to treat her badly, and not that she won't be hurt, but she's probably well aware that not everyone is considerate of trans people and educated about trans issues, and she's not going to blame you for other people's behavior.
You probably won't have much opportunity to introduce her to people, but as pp's have said, if you are in that situation, introducing her as your aunt with her chosen name is the right thing to do - the backstory is no one's business, and she identifies as and should be treated as a woman, not a woman-who-used-to-be-a-man or a sort-of-woman.
About "post-op" - from what I understand, the trans community tends to hold that a trans person's operative status is personal, confidential information - none of your wedding guests need to know what's under your aunt's skirt!
If your dad is struggling with transitioning, it may be important to remind him to be careful about how he addresses your aunt/what he says about your aunt in public because of safety issues. The world is unfortunately not yet very safe for trans people, and public references to their trans status can put them at risk.
How about I just come in a short, really low cut, skanky WHITE satin minidress and pretend we're related? Then nobody will give a hoot about your aunt. If you'd like, I'll serenade you and your new husband, too. And it won't be pretty
I agree with most everyone that you should definitely stick with her prefered pronouns -- she, her, aunt, etc. and leave the backstory out.
If you're really concerned about Dad's reaction, maybe you should give him a heads up before the wedding (like, weeks before...) - just sit him down and say something like, "I know that to you, Aunt Jill is still Uncle Jack on the inside, and it's still hard for me to figure out how to reconcile my memories with who she has chosen to become, but I wanted to let you know ahead of time that at the wedding, I think it would be a lot simpler if we just introduce her to FI's family as 'aunt' and leave it at that. I think too many details might confuse people or make some of them uncomfortable, and I'd rather just not have it be an issue on my big day." You can play the "I want people to be focusing on me, not her" card if Dad has trouble understanding ;)
I agree with introducing her as your "aunt" but be forewarned, if your Dad goes into conversations with your FI's relatives talking about his brother, or people just naturally slip up and refer to him as "uncle" that's going to spark some family gossip! It's only natural though, for any new relatives to be like wait, did I miss something??? and end up with some hushed whispering. I don't think it's offensive, I just think it's curiousity and confusion- seriously, people are of course going to talk about it, even the most politically correct people are lying through their teeth if they say they wouldn't speak a word about it to someone else :P And post-op or not, a lot of people will still be able to tell that she was a he at some point- it may not be obvious, but it will probably be determined regardless by some. In other words, people will be talking about it no matter what, probably not bad things, just, naturally the "dude I think girl's a dude" comments. Such is life! Good for her/him though, as long as everyone is happy :)
I can relate to how you're feeling, Kittyachi. One of my closest friends from high school is transgendered (female-to-male) and transitioned about 3 or 4 years ago. I think that, no matter how much of a straight ally you are, it can be hard to adjust to initially -- stuff like gendered pronouns and names are just such a basic part of the way we think and talk about other people. If you make the effort to use the person's chosen pronoun/name, though, you'll find that eventually it comes totally naturally -- just give it some time.
As for the wedding, I agree with everyone else that no explanation should be necessary, and I actually think it's pretty likely that no one will gossip about it. My friend was at my wedding, and I was mildly concerned that my sister was going to be weird about it (based on a couple things she'd said, since she is not super LGBT-friendly and she hadn't seen my friend since he transitioned), but it was never the slightest of issues -- not at the wedding or at any of the after-party casual activities.
And I definitely agree with what a few other people have mentioned -- anyone who is transgendered, particularly post-op and living as their chosen gender, will have developed a pretty thick skin to strange looks or gossip. Even going into a public bathroom can be a dangerous, political act when you're transgendered -- so I am betting your aunt is prepared for the possibility of awkwardness when facing a wedding full of family members who know about her transition.
If you want to make sure you communicate a message of acceptance to everyone, I think it would be awesome to put something in the program or ceremony readings that supports LGBT rights or even just same-sex marriage (which I know is totally different, but people will get the idea). We had a reading from Goodridge (the Massachusetts same-sex marriage case) in our ceremony -- I actually think it's a really beautiful reading about the significance of marriage, and it's not polemical -- and we got great feedback from our LGBT (and our straight!) guests about it.
I see your main point about just wanting your dad to be comfortable with the whole thing. I'm sure it is soooo hard for him tog et used to this. I don't think it has anything to do with feelings about the LBGT community... instead, it's a personal thing for him. He has to deal with someone who was his brother all of his life, and now she is someone different for him, and they have a different relationship.
I would just hope for the best... there's nothing more you can do... I hope that your fam will sort of stay quiet. And even if they don't, most people are pretty quiet and won't comment on something like that. So if your FI's family finds out, they probably won't walk up to your parents and say something. Hopefully everyone will be focused on you and your FI instead of gossiping!!!!!!! Plus, weddings are pretty loving times, so hopefully your dad will feel all of the love and he'll be too focused on you guys to worry about it!!!!! I hope it all works out!
I think that introducing as your aunt is appropriate. No explanation is needed.
It sounds like this is a great challenge of breaking habits. I know it must be tough but I am sure your aunt will be understanding of your difficulty with the situation. Do you have a close relationship that you could talk to her personally about it?
Your Uncle obviously prefers being female and has taken expensive and no doubt painful measures to become who she is today. I would introduce her as an Aunt. I mean you're not going to spend precious wedding day time explaining everyone's backgrounds right?
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| ndreighton | 11 |
| kate02121 | 7 |
| rivierabridal | 6 |
| bonkeyball3 | 4 |
 turtles73 |
4 |
| jaguar | 3 |
| BMORE SEXI | 3 |
| ohmystars28 | 3 |
| texasbee | 3 |
| mcdonald_515 | 3 |
Sorry, there are no users yet.
Um so I had no idea where to put this - I thought about either "etiquette" or "emotional" but since it doesn't really fall into either, I'm just gonna go with the good ol' beehive on this....
So my uncle, as of a few years ago, is now my aunt. Post-op. Now, I'm very progressive/liberal blah blah blah but I honestly do have a hard time using the preferred pronoun "she" and referring to "her" as my "aunt." As far as I know, that is the preference of the transgender community, at least post-op. But it's just not that simple. I grew up knowing him as my father's brother. He was my uncle. More than even me or my mom, to my Dad it's still his brother, you know? My Dad isn't as liberal or accepting as my mom and I are when it comes to this type of thing, though he is by no means bigoted against the LBGT community, but I think it's very hard for him to accept that his brother is now a woman, which to me is completely understandable.
Now, most of my family and friends know this, but FI's fam and friends have no idea. FI, of course, knows. My real issue is, how do I deal with this in terms of introductions at the wedding? Do I introduce as my Aunt? Like seriously, WTF? As if family introductions aren't hard enough!
Has anyone else been in this situation? Any LBGT bees out there want to throw in their two cents here? I don't want to commit any sort of faux pas here but I also don't want there to be hushed whispers about my transgendered uncle/aunt during my rehearsal dinner and wedding reception! I love my family and everything but they really don't make it easy sometimes...