Transgender person of honor

posted 1 week ago in LGBTQ
Post # 2
Member
3604 posts
Sugar bee

AcousticHeart :  Let the person transitioning set the tone. He will let you know if he needs any changes. I wouldnt ask him to shave or try to present as female as that is no longer how he identifies. He’s still the same person thats your friend so you should be able to talk to him like you did before. Same level if closeness.  If people are negative F them honestly. But as a friend give him a heads up of transphobic people. I’d start using he if your friend is ready to be out also. That’s all I know from what I’ve read so if someone with more experience knows better then please correct me. 

  • This reply was modified 1 week, 1 day ago by  sweatergal007. Reason: Typos
Post # 3
Member
735 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I completely get that you want to protect them while letting them be as truthful to themselves as possible. 

I think in terms of protecting them from judgy people – you can’t. What you can do is shut down any judgement you see / hear. You can tell certain people in advance and let them know that any comments / looks etc will not be tolerated and they will be asked to leave the wedding. That should at least make sure people bring their polite faces. They don’t have to accept it, but they cannot be rude to someone so important to your event.

as to the facial hair and shaving – this is a different issue. You can ask them to be well presented on the day. Facial hair is unlikely to grow evenly when it first appears so they could have patches all over the place, that would look neater clean shaven. This isn’t about not supporting their transition, just about looking neat (same way I’m sure you’d want your female bridesmaids to shave their underarms …) 

Post # 4
Member
768 posts
Busy bee

Just allow them to grow the beard or pack, who cares! If your family says anything at all, just let them know that it’s none of their business. Your friend will be exposed to a lot of cruelty in their lifetime, and they need to know that their best friend will go down swinging for them, even on your wedding day.

Post # 5
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2018

macpartyoftwo :  100% agree with this!

You love your friend for who they are and whatever they wear/look like. As long as they look neat and are dressed appropriately for the occasion it doesn’t matter if that involves a beard or not. 

Congratulations on having, and being such a good friend!

Post # 6
Member
359 posts
Helper bee

I went to my best friend’s wedding recently where her dad identifies as a woman and I believe has now had surgery to become a woman. 

This wasn’t common knowledge at the wedding!! My friend’s parents are divorced and so this meant it was going to be the first time the bride’s mum’s side of the family had seen her dad since they started medication and surgery to become a woman. 

So, what happened? My friend said to me ‘I really don’t give a shit what anyone says. She is still my dad and I still want her to walk me down the aisle and speak at my wedding’.

Her dad was AMAZING. She stood up and started the speech by saying ‘Hi, I’m xxxx’s dad. If your confused, watch the Kardashian’s it’s all explained there’.

It all went so well that the Bride’s mum had a bit of a tantrum. My friend’s parents hate one another and I think the mum had been looking forward to everyone saying to her ‘poor you’ etc etc which never happened – but anyway. That’s another story 😉 

Post # 7
Member
359 posts
Helper bee

And if he wants a beard let him rock a beard. I knkw someone compared it to shaving under the arms….but I feel if I have a bridesmaid who doesn’t shave under her arms, then she can let it be. We need to let our bridesmaids, maids of honor, person of honor be themselves. Surely that’s why you asked them to stand up with you on your most important day? If not, I would just go out and chose a random from the street who ticks all the boxes I want them to tick. 

Post # 8
Member
359 posts
Helper bee

I’m also going to add….we all get judged in life. Whether it’s because we’ve put on weight, we are single in our mid 30s, we are wearing an outfit someone else wouldn’t choose to wear, we are dating someone who no one likes….we are always getting judged by people. However, our best friends shouldn’t be one of those people and our best friends shouldn’t try and change us so we don’t get judged…. they should be knocking down any judging comments. 

Rather than asking your friend to shave and not pack their pants with prosthetics…you should let them to do what they want to do and be comfortable with themselves. If you hear anyone say a bad word you stand up for your friend. 

Saying that you want your friend to shave or not pack their pants with prosthetics may come across as being ashamed them. I know you want to do it so they don’t get judged…but that’s like saying ‘I don’t won’t my friend to wear that dress she likes because she might get judged’ hell no! You say ‘rock that dress’ and if you hear anyone say anything you stand up for your friend. 

Post # 12
Member
5458 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2019

AcousticHeart :  Let you friend dress however you want and if you get any judgement from your family you tell them that this person is the family you chose for yourself and they mean the world to you. End of discussion. I really don’t mean this to sound patronising so I hope it doesn’t, but well done on being such a fab friend. If more people were like you the world would turn more smoothly!

Post # 13
Member
554 posts
Busy bee

AcousticHeart :  I agree with all the people who have said to let your friend set the tone!  You are lucky to have such a great friend, and they too are lucky to have such a great friend!

Post # 14
Member
371 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

AcousticHeart :  It is your job as a friend to stand up and protect your friend. If they choose to be a different gender than what was assigned to them at their birth, then that is their choice and has nothing to do with anyone else. 

If people want to be judgy and mean they can leave or take their comments elsewhere. If someone is curious, that is of course natural. But if their questions start turning mean/rude/nasty, I would jump to my friends defense. 

It’s not fair to them that they have to dance around things because of other peoples insecurities. 

This will be a good opportunity for people who may be ignorant to open their minds and their hearts to the changing world. 

I think its sad that they feel they need to step down when they are your best friend! 

Good luck to you and your friend!

Post # 15
Member
5892 posts
Bee Keeper

AcousticHeart :  You and your best friend sound like true friends-  mutual support, love and acceptance, you sound lucky to have each other. 

It’s great that you’re prioritizing the comfort zone of your Person of Honour. If facial hair grows in a bit straggly at first, similar to puberty, they can decide if it’s do-able for the wedding or if they want to go clean shaven….results tend to vary on T, just as it does among cis-men, some who struggle to grow facial hair in and some who have five o’clock shadow by 10am. ‘Packing’ is a personal choice, but I do think this is more for them than outward aesthetics as it’s subtle rather than obvious. 

Unfortunately not everyone out there is as an ally, accepting, and supportive. BUT anyone not accepting should be expected to be outwardly polite and decent at the very least. It is completely and utterly rude and hateful and intolerable to go to someone else’s event and treat another guest as less than due to race, religion, sexual orientation, gender identity, disability etc. To be perfectly blunt, because this pisses me off to no end, if any bigots are incapable of being even outwardly decent, they can be the ones to fucking leave, not the victim of their bullying and intolerance.

Outside of the wedding, I tend to take this on a case by case basis- those who are unaccepting run the gammut from outright vile haters to those who are simply uninformed and confused by it. The outright haters I write off as a lost cause and remove the toxic assholes from my life (including a few relatives unfortunately), those who are decent and polite and civil though I may suspect less than wholly accepting, I treat with the same superficial politeness but wonder how they truly feel….this is a harder, greyer area. And the ones who are trying to learn and understand, I try to answer questions and explain as best I can….generally decent people just not familiar with ‘transgender’ and what it means. 

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