Post # 1
Okay, I have no idea how to handle this one, bees.
I recently found out that one of my close friends, Jack, is transphobic. He came in to say hi to me while I was working, and while he was there, one of my regular customers (who is a MTF transexual) came in. I served her, and when she left, Jack said some very rude things about her, including referring to her as “he.” Honestly, I was too shocked and too busy at work to fight him on it. I said something like, “well, she’s always nice to me,” and ended the conversation.
One of my other wedding guests, Michelle, is a MTF transexual. She’s been a family friend for about 20 years, but transitioned within the last 5. To be completely blunt, she doesn’t pass very well.
I am super concerned that Jack and Michelle will have some sort of run-in and I’ll have to stab Jack in the eye with my bouquet. Our wedding is going to be small, so I’m not sure I can cross my fingers and hope these two guests won’t interact. Jack has already been told he’s invited, and there’s no way I’m leaving Michelle off the guest list.
What do I do?
Post # 3
@carrotstick: well…I mean what exactly do you think you would do? How awkward. I would just let it be. I’m sure Michelle doesn’t “need” you to stick up for her or give other people a heads-up or something…one would hope Jack would just keep his mouth shut out of politeness..
i think if it were me I’d just invite them both and hope they don’t meet, but then I hate confrontation of any sort. :/ Even if there aren’t that many people I doubt Jack would even want to socialize with Michelle at all, given his apparently shitty attitude towards trans people.
Post # 4
You need to talk to him. I mean honestly confront him again and tell him that was rude and that he better not say anything to you friend or snicker about her at the wedding because you will thrust your ring finger into his eyeball
just my first reaction. But for real you need to tell him
Post # 5
I would talk to the transphobic friend beforehand and let them know that comments/judement won’t be ok, honestly. I think it’s really important to let our friends know when they are being bigoted and stepping over lines, which he clearly is. If I had to choose between a family friend of 20 years and a bigoted friend, that choice is pretty obvious. I think the only way to prevent him making comments is to give him a heads up and specifically request he keep his opinions to himself, especially on your big day.
Post # 6
Making fun of a stranger behind their back is very different from actually going up to someone AT A WEDDING and saying something awful to their face (thereby causing a scene). Not that Jack wasn’t wrong to make fun of the person at your work, but I really wouldn’t assume from that incident that he’s going to cause trouble at your wedding. That’s quite a jump, know what I mean? It’s not your job to “correct” his attitude, so I wouldn’t really worry about it. I’m sure nothing bad will happen, and he’ll probably feel like a real foot-in-mouth idiot when he realizes that you are friends with a transsexual, given that he said those things earlier!
Post # 7
Unfortunately, a lot of people are transphobic, so I assume Michelle will be able to handle herself if Jack says anything directly to her or where she can hear. I don’t think you need to tell either of them that the other will be there because they are both adults and hopefully Jack will just keep any thoughts to himself.
However, if Jack makes another transphobic comment while around you I think you should call him out on it.
Post # 8
@crayfish: @iarebridezilla: I agree with both of you for different reasons.
I’m sure he wouldn’t have said those rude things about someone that he knew was your friend, and I highly doubt that any sort of rudeness will happen at your wedding. However, it’s possible that Jack is immature and thinks it’s funny to make nasty comments like that because he’s heard others make jokes about it, and no one has ever called him out on being rude. So if I were you, I would say something to him about those statements being unacceptable and upsetting, but only to educate him in general about being less thoughtless and judgemental.
Post # 9
- Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas
Leave it be. He didn’t freak out in the woman’s face at work, and I doubt he will make any noticeable comments at your wedding.
Post # 10
I guess I’m mostly concerned with him making rude comments within earshot of her. He’s really got no tact. He flat out told me that if there is assigned seating, he doesn’t care and will just sit where ever he wants to. (And admitted to doing that at somebody’s wedding.) He also bragged about how he stood BEHIND THE ALTAR at a wedding in order to take pictures during the ceremony. I mean, the guy is in his late 30’s, I wonder how he’s gotten through life with this type of attitude.
I’m honestly pissed that I’m even friends with Jack, now. Every time I see him lately, everything out of his mouth just infuriates me.
Post # 11
@carrotstick: Well you can do one of two things, the way I see it. Call him ahead of time to let him know the deal, and that you won’t accept any offensive behavior towards your friend, thereby giving him the chance to get all of the immature comments out of his system or not attend. Or you could wait until the wedding to see if he does say anything then call him out on it in front of everyone. A public shaming may just make him change his ways – I’ve seen it before.
Post # 12
@carrotstick: Your description of him is much worse than I imagined from your original post. In that case, why are you friends with him? I would cut him loose, but I have very little patience for people who waste my time and energy on rudeness and childish behavior.
Post # 13
@carrotstick: I have lots of people who won’t get on coming to my wedding. The combo which springs to mind is Dawkinsian atheist + high church Catholic. But you know, these people share their opinions with me because they trust me, just like your friends trust you. They wouldn’t necessarily fight in public, as PP have said.
Solutions: – Ply them with food and drink.
– Don’t sit them on the same table.
Post # 14
@carrotstick: saying something behind her back is different than saying something to someone’s face. There’s nothing in your OP that makes me think Jack will confront Michelle. And, sadly, Michelle is probably used to people looking at her funny or saying mean things 🙁 I’m sure she’s learned ways to function/cope through the discrimination.
Post # 16
@carrotstick: From my experience men are nicer to women to men trans. Anywho, just chat with him nicely about it.