Trend of not being invited as a plus one

posted 4 weeks ago in Guests
Post # 31
Member
313 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

purehart :  “It’s even worse when he choses these types of people above a signfiicant other.”


Because he didn’t decline? 

Post # 33
Member
313 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

purehart :  Why would he be uncomfortable saying you aren’t invited?

It seems to me you and he aren’t so on the same page in regards to your relationship. He may have talked to you about marriage 3 months into your relationship, but as we all know from here, talk is just talk.

Post # 34
Member
2679 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I can see why you would be hurt to be left out of multiple weddings of his friends. I’d be especially befuddled if he’s the one bringing up matrimony conversations referencing the two of you but not similarly making it clear to his friends that he considers you two a package deal.

Maybe it’s because I live in a high COL area, but I really try not to take any choices people make about what to do with THEIR money personally. But if my SO were to make decisions that seemingly showed that he had a “take her or leave her” approach to me and our relationship I’d definitely be feeling some kind of way.

Post # 36
Member
937 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

purehart :  Try and take a deep breath here- this shouldn’t be something that needs to be approached “as a team.” He really didn’t do anything wrong by RSVPing yes to this event- he didn’t need to ask permission or run it by you. This is a one-night event, not a life changing purchase or decision that he would need your input (or approval) for. Quite frankly, you aren’t even living together yet (no matter how many nights you stay over, its simply not the same stage of committment…unless you are planning on moving in after marriage perhaps), so it doesn’t seem like you’re at the point where he needs to be consulting you on these things. I’d bet that you’ll get there, but don’t get all down on him when you’re not there yet. Try to just enjoy where y’all are at now, cut the boy some slack, and don’t feel like you need to be included at every event he goes to.

Post # 37
Member
51 posts
Worker bee

This is a tough one. My boyfriend went to a wedding without me two years within our relationship that I wasn’t invited to . At first , I felt upset, but then when I thought about it, it was the wedding of a long time family friend of his parents, his entire family was invited (6 of them) so including me and his brother’s girlfriend would have been over kill. Like I’m sure his parents gave a great gift, but not that great .

 

 

I say that to say this, consider the situation. Are you the only person who isn’t married that is not able to attend ? There maybe 20 other couples in that situation. Did the couple also invite other people from your boyfriend’s family? Will their be other single people there? Like, is your boyfriend going to be the only person there who doesn’t have a plus One because he’s not married ?

 

Also, not trying to sound shallow, the couple may either not like you, two, really is just enforcing this rule, three, have their heads up their butts and is in the if you aren’t married you are single mindset and isn’t taking anyone’s relationship serious . 

Post # 38
Member
523 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Ok – it sucks that you can’t go the this wedding together, but it really isn’t the end of the world, there will be other weddings, other events to attend together.  People REALLY need to get over this whole +1 entitlement at events they aren’t paying for.

 

There’s a huge trend on these boards of people assuming that a non +1 is a judgment on your relationship from the bride and groom… 90% of the time it’s probably nothing to do with your relationship status and entirely down to the couple being BROKE because they’re paying for a wedding.

Post # 39
Member
642 posts
Busy bee

purehart :  Sorry, but I think you are being way out of line here.

You guys aren’t married, engaged or living together.  Etiquette states you aren’t a social unit and therefore not obligated to a plus one.  Yes a plus one is a nice thing for the couple to extend, but they simply don’t have to.   I think you are taking the whole thing way too personally – they have 100’s of invites of their closest family and friends, and I’m sure they weren’t goign out of their way to make you feel uncomfortable, but either the couple or their parents have drawn a line for their guest list.  Ultimately no one is entitled to an invite to a couples wedding. 

Now, for the record I don’t think it’s very nice to not give a plus one to those in a serious relationship or in the bridal party, but that’s something I can enforce for my wedding, and no one elses.

I think you are being incredibly unfair to your bf.  He doesn’t get to control his friends guest list, it would be rude for him to ask for a plus one, and I think it’s heaps unfair to ask him to miss his friends wedding just because you haven’t received an invite.  He has heaps of other friends to go with, and it’s one night.  I don’t think it’s testing his loyalty to you because he’s RSVP’d, and I think it would be controlling for him to have to run it past you if you were married, led alone not even living together.

I have been with my FI for 6 years, and if he was invited to a wedding without me, I would happily send him on his way.   At the end of the day, it’s just a party invite.  

Post # 40
Member
51 posts
Worker bee

I don’t agree that cohabitation couples should get an invite over long term couples. Some people choose not to live together for religious reasons. I understanding why couples who live together get the automoatic invite to make things less awkward, but if a person is in a committed relationship, they should get an invite . However if it’s a set rule for everyone and he really wants to go, just let him go. Maybe have a compromise, maybe you plan a girls trip the weekend of the wedding .

Post # 42
Member
685 posts
Busy bee

The first invitation where he was a groomsman and didn’t get your name on invite was extremely rude in my opinion. particularly because he was a groomsman. The latter situation I understand a bit more, ‘no ring no bring’ tends to have no exceptions – except possibly the wedding party – at the risk of offending other guests. 

HOWEVER, It seems to me that what you’re upset over is part of a larger issue or pattern of behaviour than just this invitation issue. It seems like you’re upset by his friends behaviour because you feel like they aren’t respecting your relationship, possibly based on how your boyfriend portrays it to them. And maybe what hurts is that you feel like he doesn’t care that you can’t share these important events with him. 

I think that what you need is to have a discussion with your boyfriend about whether or not you’re on the same page in your relationship. You want him to be your partner, but he’s treating you like you’re less important than his friends. I’m not saying that’s the case, but it seems like that’s what your feelings are actually about, not the weddings themselves. 

Post # 44
Member
894 posts
Busy bee

purehart :  I’m not really answering the question here but more picking up on somrthing you mentioned in your post. I get that bride & groom have to draw a line with invites sometimes and it means creating a rule like: ‘if you aren’t married then no plus-one’ but doesnt it seem unfair that as a result of that rule they might decline to invite a couple who have been together 10 or more years but not got married yet/don’t agree with marriage, yet may at the same time invite a whirlwind romance couple who are married but only met a year ago?!

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