Post # 1
Okay, Bees, I need some help here. DH and I have been married over two years now, and unfortunately DH has gained quite a bit of weight since our wedding day, so much so that he has definitely gone up in clothing sizes and it’s noticeable not just to me in our intimate time but when he’s fully clothed, as well. He’s officially getting the swollen-looking belly he always swore he would never get!
It’s honestly adversely affecting my physical attraction to him, which I know sounds terrible but is true. I can also tell that he has much less energy in general than when we were first together, and I think it can be attributed to the weight gain. I make healthy meals at home for the two of us each night and encourage us to have active rather than sedentary dates, but I feel like he isn’t motivated himself. We do work out together, but he doesn’t push himself like he used to and therefore gets really mild activity. He works a desk job, and I’m pretty sure he does a lot of munching and unhealthy eating at work, which may be where a lot of the gain has come from being that he eats what I make at home!
I know I’m not his mother and he’s not a child, so ultimately it is up to him and I can’t force him to do anything about it, but I feel like he either isn’t seeing how substantial the gain has become or just doesn’t seem to mind.
I want to bring it up with him but in such a way that doesn’t make it seem as though I am judging or condemning him, but I’m just not sure how to do it in a sensitive way. I would love to hear from those of you who may have had an SO either confront you, or whom you had to confront. I’ve been a stringbean my whole life and have honestly never struggled with my weight, so it’s difficult for me to know how to approach it! Thanks in advance!
Post # 3
Tell him and offer solutions. Cook different things, offer to work out together. But, honesty is the best policy. And, quick before any more weight is gained.
Post # 4
What happened to for better or for worse…I’d just positively encourage him and plan more outdoors dates/activities. You also have to keep doing what you’re doing to be a role model for him.
I think that’s all you can do and attraction is a feeling that is ultimately fleeting, Love is a choice, not a feeling.
Post # 5
@asianbarbie: What do you mean by “what happened for better or for worse”? I never once suggested I would not stand by him, just trying to get advice on how to talk with him about a problem that isn’t only concerning physically but also affects his health. :/
Also, I don’t agree that attraction is fleeting… I know plenty of married couples who have been married for years and are still attracted to each other. I’m not saying he has to be ripped, but an excessive amount of weight is hard to deal with…
Post # 6
I would say positive reinforcement when he does something good, like exercise, eating healthy ect. Have lots of pre-made healthy snacks around and keep it in the fridge. Lots of veggies cut up, lots of fruit, yogurt. Things he can just grab.
Post # 7
@Peachytalk: That’s one of the problems. He refuses to eat fruit (weird, right?!), doesn’t like raw veggies. I also cook healthy essentially all the time; wellness and health are two of my biggest passions, so we don’t have junk food around and eat healthy meals at the house. :/ That’s why the situation is so tough and I don’t fully understand it!
Post # 8
Well, the nice thing about confronting men about this compared to women is that men seem to take a direct approach a lotttttt better than women do. My DH definitely gained a ton of weight at one point after he broke his ankle and couldn’t run anymore. And then he started whining about how he was getting fat and this sucks and yadda yadda yadda … so I stopped coddling him. If he said “ugh, I am getting so fat!” I would just respond “yes, you are.” And he would get all shocked and butthurt … but in the end, it was enough to make him realize that he wasn’t the only person that could see that he was gaining weight. We could all see it. And then he got motivated to eat better and work out more and sure enough, he lost all the weight.
Positive suggestions and leading by example are of course part of the solution, but it sounds like you’re doing that already, so maybe he just needs to have his eyes opened a little. Make sure he knows that you still love him either way and all that good stuff, but that his ass is getting fat!
Post # 9
@asianbarbie: I disagree with this. Yes, should you love your husband no matter what? Absolutely. But attraction and sex are big parts of a healthy marriage, and it sucks whe those feelings are compromised.
OP, two years ago when I met FI, he was smokin! An ex-professional MMA fighter, lots of muscles, no belly, definitely hott! After we started dating and he got happy and comfortable, working out and his strict eating regimen slowly became less of a priority, and he gained nearly 30 pounds! Everyone could tell and commented on it, and I worried about his health.
I was honest with him and told him that not only was I concerned for his health and unhealthy diet, but that one of the things I had always found so attractive about him was his drive and commitment to health and fitness. Seeing pictures of his own weight gain was a huge wake up call and he did not want to look so heavy in our wedding photos. He has worked really hard to get back on track since April and has lost almost all of the weight, just in time for our wedding. He looks better, he feels better, and I don’t worry as much.
I think you need to just be honest with your hubby and tell him how you feel. Marriage is work and it takes honest communication for both people to stay happy. Good luck!
Post # 10
@iarebridezilla: I really like your response! Of course I would never make him feel like I didn’t love him for it, but I think being honest and kind of blunt may be the only road to take… thanks for sharing your experience!
Post # 11
@brideatbeach: …Mr. 99 uttered the “Fat” word at me once…I didn’t talk to him for two weeks…..
I get where you’re coming from, but if a Bee posted on here about her DH bringing up her weight, the local hive members would rally a mob complete with torches and pitch forks to slay the man…
Just because he’s a guy, doesn’t mean he isn’t sensitive about that….and you might think he doesn’t notice or care…TRUST ME…he does, but probably doesn’t wanna talk about it.
Whats going on in your lives right now? Is he stressed out, unhappy, lost a loved one or gotten some bad news? For a lot of people comfort=food…and lots of it, because they’re either afraid or unable to approach others about what’s really bothering them…
Either way, saying something in an upfront, matter of fact way…is a recipe for disaster and hurt feelings….
Time to shake things up, you’ve stated you don’t have a weight problem…so you don’t get it, you won’t get it, and it’s not up to you to fix it. I’d start getting out…and not on the “Hey, let’s go for a hike, or the beach or to the gym…” anyone could see right through that.
But there’s a lot of stuff people do, that are surprisingly active…4-wheeling tours are a great way to get out of the house, see some sights and climb around the rocks with a bunch of other wheelers….any local festivals are a great way to stroll the afternoon away and see what’s for sale and on the grill. Sailing lessons, boxing class, winery tours…the list goes on….the point is, it’s not another trip to the gym, grilled chicken & brown rice dinner….
Post # 12
@iarebridezilla: Absolutely. Ahh, your posts always make me laugh…
@brideatbeach: Your DH sounds like an awesome guy. And I think if you talked to him directly, he could turn things around. While you say you’re encouraging and trying to motivate him (Yay! Which is great!) it also shouldn’t all be your job. So tell him what’s going on in your head, and he can do his part, too.
Post # 13
@brideatbeach: yeah, I think too many couples let each other get away with absolute murder in the name of “for better or worse.” It’s like they just completely take each other for granted and let themselves go because hey, not like she’s going to divorce me for getting fat, right? And of course you wouldn’t do that … but that doesn’t mean it’s good for people to just give up on themselves!!
DH and I have always been into fitness and health, and I think being accountable to each other is a big part of what keeps us looking and feeling the way we do. Some days, I come home from work and don’t feel like working out, so I whine and complain to DH that I don’t waaaaaant to and I’m too tiiiiiiiiired. And he can totally read my mood and he knows what I’ve eaten that day and how recently I’ve last worked out, so his response will either be “just relax and watch TV with me — you’ve earned it” or the dreaded “nope, get yourself upstairs and work out. You know you’ll feel better afterwards.” I have never held the second response against him, because deep down I do appreciate having that fire under my butt! I know I sure will after this baby is born and I need to work hard to get my body back!!! Not every couple is like that, but if you guys have always been healthy and active up til now, then there’s no reason to suddenly be on eggshells about it.
Post # 14
I just told my DH he got fat. He said “nuh uhhh you’re fat” and then we both agreed that we’ve been eating like fatties and we’ve both put on some weight. Then we went to the gym together. True story.
DH and I are really comfortable talking about weight, though, so I wouldn’t try this approach unless you’re both okay with it.
Post # 15
@shesho: Dying with laughter over here!
@brideatbeach: I’d say continue being a good role model for him and cooking healthy at home. You know your DH best as to how he’d handle being directly confronted about his weight. In terms of activities, is he competitive at all? Maybe you can start training together for races and race each other in between the “official” ones. Do y’all go to a gym or have equipment at home? I know I hate going to the gym, but now that we have an exercise bike at home, I end up using it.
Post # 16
@brideatbeach: I am dealing with this to and I wish I had a great suggestion because frankly I have run out of options.
My DH has always been on the heavier side and I love him for it. However, in the past two years or so he has put on a great deal of weight and is now wearing XXL which is much too large and very unhealthy considering the amount of belly fat. I have suggested to him to exercise and to his credit he goes on the treadmill irregularly but overall he isn’t committed.
I have tried the direct approach “you are fat, it is unhealthy” and the not so direct approach and neither were successful. Heck I have even explained to him the consequences of weight gain in a rational way; sleep apnea which he now has along with snoring, sex life changes, unable to be physically active and keep up with me etc. I used to be VERY fat and after losing 140 pounds and now addicted to eating healthy and working out (still trying to lose and tone) it is hard for me to watch him care so little when I care so much.
The only thing I have control of is what he eats at home. If he wants unhealthy foods he has to buy them. For dinners I try to cook him balanced meals which is incredibly difficult as like your DH he hates anything healthy (except fruit, that he loves). Sadly during the day he consumes waaaayyyy too much diet coke and fatty foods which again I have no control over.
I have come to the conclusion it is a very personal decision that one must be determined to stick with. He has to come to the decision on his own unfortunately. 🙁