Post # 1
So we’re trying to figure out areas to trim our guest list down…we wanted approx 100, and our guest list is at about 140 right now. I know not all of these people will show up, but for budgeting reasons we really need to be between 100-110.
Our wedding is in our hometown in Michigan, and we are currently living in NYC. I was planning on inviting a few friends from work but that alone presents its own challenges-if I only invite a few, I’m worried I will upset other coworkers. I thought about just nixing the 4 (and their spouses) off the list, but those 4 people really do mean a lot to me-and in all honesty, I will surprised if they all are able to make the trip to the wedding. Any thoughts/suggestions on this?
My fiance’s family doesn’t have many people on the list, but I feel like that fact is making my FMIL feel like it’s ok to just add whoever. She’s already added a few people that my fiance and I hardly know, or family friends that my fiance says he hasn’t seen since he was less than 5. She is aware that we are paying for our wedding almost entirely on our own, so this is a little frustrating.
Would love any thoughts/suggestions!!
Post # 3
First off, not everyone you invite will come. We invited 190 and about 130 came but still, you have to be safe and plan for everyone. Can you cut kids? We also really looked at our list and cut the people that didn’t really know us together.
Good luck, I know its so hard to not allow some people!
Post # 4
My advice – cut the coworkers and tell your FMIL that those people you dont even know will have to go. You are paying for it so you have final say on the list. If it’s easier, have your FI talk to her about it.
Post # 5
Citygirl8604 we’re date twins! and FI and i are in the same boat. we’re paying for everything ourselves and trying to keep the guestlist under 150. i’ve read several places not to invite co-workers. if you want to share your joy with them, maybe you couhave have a post-wedding celebration with them. also, don’t invite people out of guilt (“they invited us to their wedding, we should invite them to ours). if they wouldn’t be invited if they hadn’t invited you, don’t invite them!
another thing you could do is rate your guests. 1s are automatic invites (immediate family, wedding participants) 2s SHOULD get invited (distant relatives, family friends that aren’t 1s) 3s only get invited if you have the space for them.
hope this helps! good luck!
Post # 6
The co-worker thing is tough. I spend so much time with my co-workers. We do refer to ourselves as the “*name of doctor’s office here * family”, and I really consider them just as special as my closest friends I’m inviting. I’m envious you only have 4, I have 9 not including their spouses…and those are the just 9 I’m inviting. I really am not giving good advice because I’m recommending you keep your co-workers on.
However, since you guys are paying for your own wedding it is not appropriate for your FMIL to invite anyone without your consent first. I don’t care who she is, it’s inconsiderate no matter how good her intentions are…why should you have to choose between your co-worker friends and her friends you don’t know? I have no doubt she will try to make you feel bad, or argue that you have more guests on your list than her son, so be prepared to address that question however you find appropriate. Obviously you don’t want to fight with your FMIL.
Post # 7
Think about who you will be talking to 10 years from now
Post # 8
we cut kids, and we also let the family knwo that WE would be doing the guest list, aunts and uncles, no cousins, unless we knew them and hung out w/them. I only invited a couple of coworkers, but it was tough because I wanted to invite more. I originally had 140 hopefully with travel and cutting down, we will get to about 80-100. I would really think about who you hang out with on a regular occasion and not just now, like your really good friends going forward as well. Those we didn’t invite, I let them know it was more of a close family and intimate wedding, so no feelings will get hurt.
Post # 9
We basically wrote down everyone we wanted to invite/thought we should invite (family, etc.) and then went through and divided them up into lists based on how important it was to us that they be there. We ended up with a list of about 130 people. Our venue maxes out at 100, so we immediately took the lowest-level list and cut those people completely. (About 15 people.) Then we went through the second-lowest list and cut some people from there.
We ended up cutting almost all of FI’s cousins (his dad is one of 12 children, and they are ALL married with kids, if that gives you an idea of the numbers!) and a few of the aunts and uncles, too – people FI hadn’t seen in years or who are known for causing problems at family gatherings (I cut a few of those from my side, too). So drama-llamas also got cut.
We dropped a lot of +1s, as well. I know it’s polite to give people a date, but we just don’t have the space, and if it’s a choice between my great-grandfather being invited or my friend’s new boyfriend who I’ve never even met, well, there’s no contest. I think as long as a guest will know other people at the wedding, there’s no need for them to have a +1.
Initially, my mom tried to get about 5 of her work friends and their spouses on the list. I said nope, no way. She’s not contributing to the wedding and, again, we don’t have the space. I agreed to the two work friends that have known me and been our friends since I was a baby, but even now looking at the list and the space available, they might have to be cut anyway.
Whenever I start to feel bad about cutting people, FI reminds me that it’s our wedding day and we should celebrate it with the people that we truly want to be with, not who we feel obligated to invite. It’s a helpful mindset to have when figuring out the guest list.
Post # 10
Thanks so much for all the suggestions!!
We are already having an “adult only” reception. Exceptions are our ring bearer (Parents are in the bridal party. After dinner, grandma will be taking him home for the evening) And I have one teenage cousin-since all other cousins are invited, I felt it would be weird not to invite her and cause more drama than it’s worth.
I am seriously considering cutting my coworkers. I think it will make things a little easier on me @ work anyways not having to explain to some why they were invited, but not others. I was planning on just asking the ones I invited to keep it quiet since I can’t invite everyone…still really mulling this one over. The reason I’m struggling with this is the same thing Jooly Bee said. Wondering if it’s a healthcare thing 😉 (I also work in healthcare :))
I really appreciate all the support w/ FMIL. Something really strange has been happening with her in recent months, and I’m not sure what it is. I have a feeling she feels like I’m “stealing” my fiance because we tend to spend more time with my family (not just me, he’s w/ my family even when I”m not there at times.) There has been quite a bit of drama on his side in the last year, and I think he prefers just to be somewhere where he doesn’t have to deal with all of that, and he and my dad are extremely close. So for those reasons, I’d really rather not rock the boat with her. Some of the people she’s added live out of state, and I’m crossing fingers that maybe they just wont make it, and it’ll be something we don’t worry about. The other chunk is from her husband (fiance’s stepdad) family…who don’t know him/us very well as we’ve always lived out of state from them. Our venue is an hour+ drive for them, so kind of crossing fingers that some of them will bow out as well.If she continues to add more, I’ll have FI talk to her.
Post # 11
I am right there with you. We are in the final stages of or list and ended up cutting demos of my family that I haven’t seen or talked to In years. We actually initially had children cut out but had to add them in to keep the family balance happy.
What we did was make a list of must invite and nice to invior list and worked Off of it that way