trouble reconnecting with friend after B-party (i dont think i like her anymore)

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

Was she drinking? Not that it would excuse her behavior of being racist, but perhaps you could overlook this easier?

Maybe you are just seeing her true colors, and it is ok to not want to be her freiend anymore honestly. She has to be willing to admit her mistake and want to fix this too. It can’t just all be you, and if she isn’t going to be sorry for what she said, you can’t make her. That being said, if that really bothers you, I am not sure how you will be able to move past it.

Post # 6
Member
497 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

It sounds to me like she was really nervous and intimidated about meeting your other friends and was totally overcompensating. Maybe you could try to draw out if this is an increasing problem in her life? It might be that work or something else is not going well as she keeps behaving this way. 

I would let her know that her racist comments were completely unacceptable. Get to the bottom of why she would say it. If the comment reflects her true feelings, I would have trouble contining the relationship knowing that my friend was so close minded and judgemental. 

Post # 7
Member
295 posts
Helper bee

Not really any advice other than I wouldn’t have this person in my life.  sorry this happened.

 

Post # 8
Member
1335 posts
Bumble bee

Is she going through something in her life? (newly single, trouble at work, etc.)  What is your friend like when it’s just the two of you together?  Also as food for thought, when I was my best friend’s MOH, it was difficult and uncomfortable having to hang-out with her old highschool friends since my outlook on life and who I am is so different from them.  Most of them haven’t changed much since they were in highschool, so on the whole they are very conservative and expect things to go a certain way & can’t stand a lot of changes, whereas I’m more liberal and I’m all about being spontaneous and growing/re-inventing myself as a person.  I know a lot of them thought I was “weird” and probably high maintenance since I care about the type of food & drinks I put into my body, while they were totally comfortable eating fast food, etc and can eat/drink just about anything without getting sick like me.  I don’t think her friends are bad people, but my best friend and I have come to an understanding that her old highschool friends and I don’t mesh too well in group events, so we try to limit that and it works out great for us.  So maybe your friend was super uncomfortable having to hang-out with a group of people she didn’t connect with, and she acted out as a result.

Or it could be, you both are growing & changing as people and your friend is on the more “shallow” path and cares about the external things more than you.  I have another friend with whom I was BFF since the 2nd grade, but we drifted apart in the last 4 years because we changed as people and no longer mesh too well.  She just recently got married and she cares a LOT about her status, money, having material wealth, etc. (she & her husband make a lot of $$) so whenever we got together, we no longer shared the same interests cause I could care LESS about posessions and social status, while she thrives on that.  

But good-luck OP.  I’d give your friend a chance and hold-off on thinking too negatively of her until you both had a chance to have a heart-to-heart talk, and are able to figure out what’s best for each of you and your friendship.

Post # 10
Member
1470 posts
Bumble bee

Ugh, sorry you’re dealing with this. How awkward.

I’m curious to what the ignorant/racist comment was? Did you really not know she was a racist before the trip? and how does your other friend feel? I’d be really pissed and very hurt if a friend outside of my race invited me somewhere and one of her other friends said racist things. Not saying birds of a feather flock together (obviously) but it would make me wonder, why would she be friends with someone so ignorant?

Post # 12
Member
441 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I understand having your own preferances, generally I’m attracted to caucasian guys, thats not to say that other races (such as asian etc) are less attractive, I’m personally just more attracted to caucasian (there are hot guys that aren’t caucasian, it would be stupid to deny that).   I think whats wrong is THE WAY she said it, even if you are  attracted to a specific race it does not make other races less than any other race.  I would try and talk to her so she understand that, that can be percieved very racistly, if If had a mexican boyfriend and someone said that, you are basically saying that he is less attractive because he is mexican, hence the problem.  Maybe like a PP said she was trying to over compensate or had a lot going on, if you value her friendship I would talk to her and try to get her to understand why you (and your friends) were offended and ask her why she wasn’t acting like herself, if you give her a chance and it doesn’t change anything then you can discontinue the friendship but who knows? Maybe she comes around! (and apologizes!)

Post # 13
Member
1470 posts
Bumble bee

Oh wow, that’s so embarassing…for you mainly since she obviously doesn’t have the sense to even be embarassed. My family is Dominican and I’d be really offended if one of my friends said that…I’d wonder what they really thought of me ya know? Like…am I pretty for a black Latina (which I actually got all the time growing up)? lol gee thanks. Either way, I think it’s good that you’re re-evaluating the friendship and not just taking her bs….I’d say sit her down and have a real talk, does she even want to be friends still? Her actions say otherwise, so it’d be good to find out where her head is and see what’s really going on.

Post # 16
Member
5932 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@Kandiss16:  …welp…THAT just happened

And shit like that can and does happen regardless of what you do…the point is, you don’t subscribe or support whatever the hell that comment meant and you certainly aren’t responsible for the the thoughts and feelings, however un-PC, of your friend.

SO…you can:

1.  Throw and entire relationship in the can over a bad trip to Vegas…trust me, we’ve all had THOSE weekends before…

or

2.  Let your friends know you’re sorry about your other friend and remember that she doesn’t play well with others, or travel, or do anything really…but if you two have fun together, enjoy and avail yourself to those experiences with her….some people are really one dimensional…but the dimension they work in….is always really fun!

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