Post # 1
- Wedding: October 2011 - Malvern Baptist church
My husband and I have been married for a little over a year now. A few months after we were married (Feb. 13 the day before valentines day no less) I was getting on facebook, and he was logged in. I noticed he had a message unopened, and out of curiosity I opened it… I found that he had been talking to a girl from his past, and saying some things that hurt me really badly. I also remembered that before we were married, he had talked to her then too. When I asked him about it the first time, I asked if he still had feelings for this girl, and if he would rather be with her, because I would step aside and not cause trouble. He assured me then that he didn’t and that he wanted to be with me. I had let it go, we got married, and then I came across the new messages. The things they said to each other made me so mad, that I instantly flew off the handle (probably the wrong thing to do, but I was upset) I called my best friend and asked her what to do, and since she had been in a similar situation, advised me to talk to him as calmly as I could. I couldn’t wait for him to get off work, and I sent him a text saying that I knew about everything and that he would be lucky if I was still there when he got home. He didn’t deny anything. He asked me to stay so we could talk and I did…
When he got home, we talked about everything. He told me he would rather be with me, and he didn’t know what he was thinking and all that good stuff. I made him message that girl and tell her he was through with her and a few other choice things. I also made him call my parents, and his and tell them what happened. I knew they would find out, and I felt it was best he told them. Needless to say they were upset, but were supportive of whatever we chose to do.
For months we struggled with trust, and I thought many times that our marriage was over. It has been almost a year since I found out, and for the most part, I have learned to deal with it. He has done so much to proove to me that he is finished with her. He is acting like he is truely sorry.
The problem is, some days I have a hard time feeling like it’s better. I will question him about things, and ask if he is still talking to her, or if all that he has said is a lie… I feel bad when I do, but how do you cope with something like this? I have prayed about it and talked to family about it, but they all say to just give it time. Sometimes I feel like there is something better I could do to help. If anyone has any suggestions, I would gladly like to hear them. I love my husband more than anything in this world, and I hate the idea of divorce. I want to avoid it at all cost, so any words of wisdom would be nice.
Post # 3
Trust takes time to build and can be destroyed in seconds. I think you need to go to therapy (probably couples therapy too) in order to fully work through your feelings. He hurt you very badly, but you need to work past it if you want your marriage to work, and it’s okay if you don’t know how to do that. That’s why therapists can be so helpful because they take the time to talk to you and give advice and as long as you find a good therapist, they’ll be able to help you move in the right direction.
Post # 4
- Wedding: October 2011 - Malvern Baptist church
@glittermoon: We don’t really have the money for a therapist, but I have debated on talking to a minister if I keep feeling this way. I have done pretty well about letting it go, but with Valentines day coming up, I think about it more often since it all happened right around then. We are both determined to make our marriage work, and are doing all we know to do without “professional” help. We are even investing in new wedding rings because I feel like ours are “dirty” (if that makes sence.) Like they somehow don’t hold quite the same meaning as they did.
Post # 5
My FI and I went through a similar ordeal, the only difference was it was fairly early on in our relationship (a year after dating, we were only 19) so I think the point we were at our lives and our level of committment to one another was very different. However, it still hurt. Basiaclly, I found facebook messages to two different girls (one being his ex and one a random girl he met in college.. we went to different schools) and I was not comfortable with the conversation. We were having problems at the time and ended up breaking up for 6 months to work on things that were issues BEFORE this but it was not appropriate. Long story short though, it took a long time to trust him again but I can say that I do now with all my heart. He knew right away that he made a mistake and worked his butt off to make things right. But it wasn’t him saying and doing all the wrong things that earned my trust back. It took time and me seeing his committment to me. It took over a year for me to trust him again and even longer than that to fully get over it. But now, almost 5 years later I rarely even think about it and know it would never happen again.
My only concern and difference from you is that we were SO young (19). I am not sure how young you are but I understand that at 19, we had no idea what we wanted. We started dating at 17. I don’t even think we really loved each other when all this happened because we didn’t know what love was or what it meant. This man is your husband and he did this to you. I would have some serious doubts, like you do. I agree with the above poster that I might consider therapy.
Post # 6
@spence1022: A minister can help with the same things. I think that “starting over” in a sense is a really good idea, you just have to start over completely. Maybe ask to have a private renewal for just you two with a minister, so you can spiritually cleanse yourselves in a way. I think anniversaries of difficult times can bring up a lot of emotions and issues that aren’t normally there because you’re reminded of it, but it’s important to start fresh. Maybe come up with something else you’d rather remember…like have a really nice valentine’s day or something.
Post # 7
@spence1022: First of all, sorry about what happened and i have to say that the way you handled it was pretty good. I for sure would have just walked away. Its good that’s he is trying to prove to you that he is better now and is changing his ways, but have you tried talking to him about how you feel now? Also, as you said, talking to a minister can help you too, its a good way to go if you cannot afford therapy. Even when you do see the minister also try talking to him at home, about what bothers you, how did he get there? why he did what he did? why do you still feel like that? why trust issues after so long and after he is proving himself? Sometimes the best therapy is just talking to each other, if you can do that w/out fighting. Good luck girl and best wishes
Post # 8
@spence1022: I’m sorry you’re going through this I know how hard it is. Before DH and I were engaged he cheated on me and a year later I found out that what he told me before wasn’t the whole truth. It’s been a year and I still have problems forgetting the hurt he caused me. Honestly it takes time to get over things and as long as your husband is doing everything he can to gain your trust back your headed in the right direction. Yesterday DH added some girl on Instagram that posts provocative pics of herself and I flew off the handle. It just reminded me of the other girl and it just brought back horrible memories. With that said I’m considering going to counseling now because obviously the past isn’t in the past still. If you can talk to is minister I highly recommend it and talk to your husband about how you feel. You should be able to ask him anything without him making you feel guilty that you still dwell on it. It’s not your fault that you have to feel this way and he has to understand that. feel free to PM me if you need to talk 🙂
Post # 9