Post # 1
One of our best guy friends has been consistently ditching us. FI and I live 9 hours of a drive away since we moved but whenever we are in town which is 2x a year (a week in summer/a week during holidays) we try to make plans with him and on the last minute he bails.
When he does hang out with us, his girlfriend is constantly calling his cellphone/texting threatening to kill herself or do something stupid if he doesn’t come back to her at that very instant. She doesn’t like us cause she feels threatened/intimidated for some reason its not a girl vs. girl thing just the influence that we have on our best friend cause we’ve known him for 10+ years.
We used to be extremely close, vacation together, his parents know us, grew up together, went to high school middle school and the works.
Now that he’s chained to something toxic, at one point in time she blocked my and FI number’s from my best friends cell and he told me of it and which is why he didn’t get any of my text messages.
I honestly don’t want to try to have this friendship/relationship anymore. I don’t think he’s interested either anymore since he’s attached to a raging biotch who makes life hell for him if he tries to have not just us but ANY friends.
I sent him/his family save the date and this isn’t a spur of the moment decision but I’m ok with losing this connection as it isn’t much anymore. I don’t want him to be a groomsmen he’s ditched us everytime we try to meet up with him when we are the ones travelling all this way and spending $$/hotel just to spend time with him. His life has been completely full of drama ever since he started dating her (btw she’s a serial cheater, FI and I have both caught her cheating on him like literally stumbling to a park where shes making out with NOT my best friend).
What do I do now? There’s no use pretending this friendship is still there when it isn’t, and its not my fault he makes bad decisions and won’t listen to any advice.
Post # 3
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
Have you already asked him to be a GM? If you haven’t asked him to be GM then there’s no problem. Don’t ask him. Generally if you send an STD you’re sopposed to sned an invitation but since he flakes out he will probably flake out on your wedding too so I wouldn’t owrry about him actually attending.
If you have asked and his GF is as controlling and crazy as you say she is, has he even ordered his suit/tux yet? If he hasn’t ordered the suit yet the easiest way to go about it is to stay mum on the issue unless he brings it up, which he won’t until it’s too late if at all because he’s a guy and guys don’t think about that kind of stuff. When he asked about it, tell him you didn’t think he would be able to make it due to him being so busy all the time and cancelling on you when you make plans. You just wanted to make his life easier by letting him attend as a guest.
P.S. If you really miss being friends with this guy you need to sit him down alone and tell him why the friendship is tanking. He may not realize how bad the situation with his GF actually is (i.e. to the point that he is losing friends.)
Post # 4
FI has asked and gave him a list of things to buy/wear
we bought matching ties and sent them out to all the groomsmen with a thank you card asking them to be one
he of course said yes back then
he has changed a lot because of her, he’s got NO balls. And they’re been together for more than a year its not ending anytime soon. I have had that conversation with him, he was sorry, cried about it, but nothing changed. Shortly after that conversation he told me his girlfriend was on his account unfriended me/blocked me off of everything she could think of and he had to make some kind of application that was secret to receive my or FI’s text messages or calls.
if its that bad, why does he insist on hanging on? if its THAT much trouble to keep any of his friends, he really should just lay in the bed he made with her.
You can’t have everything.
I want to uninvite him/his whole family which obviously means he’s not a groomsmen anymore. My FI and I wasted thousands of dollars trying to make plans with him in addition to planning our vacation time to make the trip down there and he ditches us. This is pretty much unforgivable. You can apologize all you like but this happened not just once but 3 times already.
Post # 5
The problem is that he’s your FI’s groomsman–You don’t get to choose whether or not to persue the relationship and keep him as a GM.
And I can understand your frustration!
Post # 6
@BrandNewBride: clarification, my FI is PISSED at him as much as I am and doesn’t want this relationship either.
Post # 7
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@elliptical2013: Then I would make one last effort to get together with him before the wedding. When he flakes out I would send him a handwritten letter letting him know that he is no longer your groomsman and that you now considr the friendship to be over. Cite each instance where you made the effort to meet up with him and he flaked out with the most recent one being the straw that broke the camel’s back.
As for his parents, unless you are separately close with them, just don’t send them an invitation. Yes, it’s bad manners to send an STD and not an invitation but let him explain to his parents what happened. I suspect they have some choice words and opinions on his girlfriend and falky behavior as well.
Post # 8
@elliptical2013: At this point, he has already been asked. You can offer him an out, but it’s not really a good idea to kick him out.
I know a lot of people who have had GFs or BFs like that. It really sucks and it has ruined some friendships with people. At the same time, I have made it a point to stand by these people if I truely liked them. At least 50% of the time, they eventually came to their sense as to what a problem their SO was and I got my friend back. I was really glad I didn’t burn that bridge. For those that haven’t come to their senses, well, I still hope that they will some day.
Post # 9
@elliptical2013: I wouldn’t bother overtly excluding him from the wedding party; he will probably bail some time between now and the wedding. Even if he doesn’t, he’ll probably just show up, stand in his spot for the ceremony, then disappear for the rest of the night. His bitchy gf will sit pouting in a corner, and you won’t notice her. But, rest assured, whether she is invited or not, she will be there if he is.
Post # 10
It’s common to have to re-examine old friendships when planning a wedding. This guy used to mean something important to you. I would keep him as a groomsman since he’s already been asked, but not assign him any duties or depend on him in any way. It’s more like a farewell “Thanks for all the years of friendship, it was nice knowing you.”
Post # 11
If your fiance doesn’t want him to be a groomsman or be invited, then it is your fiance’s duty to call and explain that to him. Pure and simple. I would try to make this as calm and respectful as possible, but simply say that given how circumstances have changed since he started dating this girl he no longer thinks it’s appropriate for him to be a groomsman and they will not be getting an invitation. The friend will likely be devastated, but it doesn’t sound like you guys care too much about that at this point. Then your fiance should call the friend’s family and regretfully tell them that circumstances have changed and they will not be getting an invitation.
Since you don’t want to maintain any sort of relationship, it’s pretty much just a clean sever, then move on.
Post # 12
@Misswhowedding: yeah its bad manners/etiquette and thats whats been troubling me
theres no way to not look bad with his parents already receiving a save the date….
but I think I will be way happier not just for my wedding but my whole life in terms of the future as I won’t try to plan my vacations or spend time with people who obviously don’t care anymore
its gotten to the point where everytime FI and I come back home from a vacation of attempting to spend time with him it feels so much better being that much further away then the time we did spend as it was full of drama whether we cant even carry on a conversation cause he walks out and is yelling at her over the phone or having a texting argument while hanging out with us
honestly shes invited to everything she just doesn’t go and doesn’t like us for god knows what reason and expects him to ditch us and choose her for everything