trouble with groomsmen..HELP

posted 3 years ago in Grooms/men
Post # 3
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

Have you already asked him to be a GM?  If you haven’t asked him to be GM then there’s no problem.  Don’t ask him.  Generally if you send an STD you’re sopposed to sned an invitation but since he flakes out he will probably flake out on your wedding too so I wouldn’t owrry about him actually attending.

If you have asked and his GF is as controlling and crazy as you say she is, has he even ordered his suit/tux yet?  If he hasn’t ordered the suit yet the easiest way to go about it is to stay mum on the issue unless he brings it up, which he won’t until it’s too late if at all because he’s a guy and guys don’t think about that kind of stuff.  When he asked about it, tell him you didn’t think he would be able to make it due to him being so busy all the time and cancelling on you when you make plans.  You just wanted to make his life easier by letting him attend as a guest.

P.S. If you really miss being friends with this guy you need to sit him down alone and tell him why the friendship is tanking.  He may not realize how bad the situation with his GF actually is (i.e. to the point that he is losing friends.)

Post # 5
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

The problem is that he’s your FI’s groomsman–You don’t get to choose whether or not to persue the relationship and keep him as a GM.

And I can understand your frustration!

Post # 7
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@elliptical2013:  Then I would make one last effort to get together with him before the wedding.  When he flakes out I would send him a handwritten letter letting him know that he is no longer your groomsman and that you now considr the friendship to be over.  Cite each instance where you made the effort to meet up with him and he flaked out with the most recent one being the straw that broke the camel’s back.

As for his parents, unless you are separately close with them, just don’t send them an invitation.  Yes, it’s bad manners to send an STD and not an invitation but let him explain to his parents what happened.  I suspect they have some choice words and opinions on his girlfriend and falky behavior as well.

Post # 8
Member
2865 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@elliptical2013:  At this point, he has already been asked.  You can offer him an out, but it’s not really a good idea to kick him out. 

I know a lot of people who have had GFs or BFs like that.  It really sucks and it has ruined some friendships with people.  At the same time, I have made it a point to stand by these people if I truely liked them.  At least 50% of the time, they eventually came to their sense as to what a problem their SO was and I got my friend back.  I was really glad I didn’t burn that bridge.  For those that haven’t come to their senses, well, I still hope that they will some day.

Post # 9
Member
3249 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@elliptical2013:  I wouldn’t bother overtly excluding him from the wedding party; he will probably bail some time between now and the wedding.  Even if he doesn’t, he’ll probably just show up, stand in his spot for the ceremony, then disappear for the rest of the night.  His bitchy gf will sit pouting in a corner, and you won’t notice her.  But, rest assured, whether she is invited or not, she will be there if he is.

Post # 10
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

It’s common to have to re-examine old friendships when planning a wedding.  This guy used to mean something important to you.  I would keep him as a groomsman since he’s already been asked, but not assign him any duties or depend on him in any way.  It’s more like a farewell “Thanks for all the years of friendship, it was nice knowing you.” 

Post # 11
Member
9528 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

If your fiance doesn’t want him to be a groomsman or be invited, then it is your fiance’s duty to call and explain that to him. Pure and simple. I would try to make this as calm and respectful as possible, but simply say that given how circumstances have changed since he started dating this girl he no longer thinks it’s appropriate for him to be a groomsman and they will not be getting an invitation. The friend will likely be devastated, but it doesn’t sound like you guys care too much about that at this point. Then your fiance should call the friend’s family and regretfully tell them that circumstances have changed and they will not be getting an invitation. 

Since you don’t want to maintain any sort of relationship, it’s pretty much just a clean sever, then move on.

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