Hi bees 🙂
This is my first time posting on the boards. I’m having trouble with my mom and I was wondering if you all could offer me any advice. Sorry about the length!
First, some background. My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years and will be getting engaged soon. Actual date is a surprise, but sometime in the next 6 weeks.
I have a strained relationship with my mom but am trying to maintain a distant but civil relationship with her. She was emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive to me growing up, but will not own up to anything and is obsessed with the “sacrifices” she made for me. She does not value my opinions and often will remove the phone from her ear when I’m stating even the most innocuous opinion. She has ruined or tried to ruin all of my graduations, many birthdays, and both of my boyfriend’s university graduations. She does not like not being the center of attention.
Although we are not officially planning yet, my mom is already angry with me about wedding details. She believes that “a wedding is for a mother and daughter to plan together” and is only concerned with how much she gets to control.
Whenever she brings up weddings (I never do), it’s asking me if I’m sure that I want to marry my boyfriend, what if he changes after we get married and becomes abusive, does his family want us to get married, why am I having so many friends/white people in and at my wedding (never told her a guest list or bridal party, and my future husband is white), I need to not get married far away bc it’s inconvenient for our family (as in 2 hours from my family, where we live. BF’s family is from Europe and will be flying over), I value friends over family (she never allowed me to spend time with friends as a teenager; she wants me to invite an emotionally and sexually abusive aunt/uncle and their family, and 25 of her first cousins that I haven’t seen in almost a decade. Told her I was not inviting them and she said it was bc I had too many friends coming), and that she will be buying and helping me pick out my dress (she criticizes my scoliosis and body and was very inappropriate about my body when I was a child/teen). I limit my phone calls with her to maybe one time per week and I tell her that we’re not planning yet but she’s always mad about some perceived slight to her in the planning process.
She’s making assumptions that I am doing something wrong and she has no idea what my plans are. Even when I try to explain a simple concept (“we don’t want the wedding to be too large, as we are trying to keep costs down”) she invalidates what I say (“a small wedding can be expensive, price has nothing to do with size”). Obviously size affects cost but she disagrees with my desire for a small wedding so she tries to make me seem illogical/wrong instead of simply not agreeing. Also, my bf is a wonderful person, is not abusive in any sense, and his parents gave us their blessing before his mom passed away earlier this year. She has always tried to undermine my relationship (ex. saying sexual things about us, telling me I am his “starter girlfriend”)
She does this whenever I am happy or it seems like I am happy. I’ve had a very difficult time with both my parents growing up and have separated myself and thrived. I am very tired of having to battle her whenever something remotely good happens in my life
My boyfriend and I are paying for our wedding. She has offered to help and I have turned her down. We will work within our budget.
Do you all have tips on dealing with difficult parents during wedding planning? I want to be civil but I can’t deal with these paranoid/controlling outbursts. Thanks so much!