Trouble with Mom

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
2365 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

 Honestly, I think your mother needs some serious mental help. However, that’s up to her to make that decision. You have a choice to make though. How much is a potential relationship with her worth to you? This behavior hasn’t changed, and unless something in her life drastically causes her to re-evaluate her behavior, nothing will change in the future. I know she’s your Mom, and you want her there. But is she worth your own mental health? Something else to think about, if you decide to have children someday, do you want them exposed to an abusive person? I can’t tell you what to do, but I’d think long and hard about keeping her in  your life.

Post # 4
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@River_1217:  I’m so sorry you’re going through this.  You’re not even engaged yet and already you’re dealing with all this drama!

I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to deal with your mother, but considering your history together and her neuroses, I think it might be best to completely exclude her from your wedding planning.  I know she will be angry and she will want to make you “pay” for not letting her be involved.  But I get the impression that if you give her an inch, she will take a mile.  She doesn’t seem like a rational individual, so trying to reason with her or compromise with her is unlikely to work.  Maybe tell her that since you and FI are paying for the wedding on your own, that it’s only fair that you make all wedding related decisions jointly with FI and FI only. 

There will be a point where you have to consciously decide that if she is mad at you, then that’s okay.  You can’t reason with a crazy person, lol.  Let her be mad, and go on about your day.  Trust me, I know that’s hard (I absolutely hate it when someone is mad at me, ESPECIALLY my parents), but you’re an adult and you can’t “get in trouble” anymore the way you did as a kid.  It sounds like your mom made a mess of your childhood–now is the time to lay down the law and make it clear that she will not be running amok over your wedding planning or any other aspect of your life going fowrard.  She’s done enough damage already.

You and your FI will be paying for this on your own–your mom has no say over the guest list or any wedding decisions you will be making over the course of your engagement.  More importantly, your mother has not been a positive influence in your life thus far, and so I see no obligation on your end to make her happy or to appease her.  If she’s not happy with the way things are, so be it.  Maybe–just maybe–this could be the wake up call she needs to start taking responsibility and repairing your relationship in a real way.

Post # 5
1793 posts
Buzzing bee

She has ruined or tried to ruin all of my graduations, many birthdays, and both of my boyfriend’s university graduations. She does not like not being the center of attention. “

That was all a practice run for your wedding.  I really encourage you to do some counseling.  She is very toxic and narcisstic.

I’m a 4 time MOB and my guardian growing up was also quite toxic.  Cut her out of the planning.  she has already shown that she doens’t like your plans, is going to criticize them, and do what she can to bring you down.

Plan with FI, let her know where to be and when, and whatever you do, don’t take a dime from her.  I am so sorry.

Post # 6
1177 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@River_1217:  Stop talking to her about your wedding.. your man.. and your life.  As the PP mentioned, she seems very mentally unstable.  I’d drastically limit my interaction with her for my own mental health.  If she insists on discussing the wedding, simply say “Mom, we’re planning our wedding.  If I need your opinion, I will ask.”

Do NOT invite anyone YOU and YOUR FIANCE want invited.  For the love of all things holy, do not invite anyone who abused you.  That’s just cruel.

Do NOT let her pay for anything.  Those are strings, pinnochio.

Do NOT engage in her nonsense.  Nothing good will come of it.

If she keeps badgering you about the wedding, simply say “Gotta go! Bye!”  Do not give in on this.  She has a lot of problems.  But she doesn’t need to make them YOUR problems.  I would feel differently if this was a recent development, but it sounds like she’s treated you like garbage for your entire life.  I don’t think anything you do is going to help her.  It’s best to do what works for you and what keeps you healthy and happy.

Post # 7
1175 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@River_1217:  Mom needs to seek professional help.  

I would not include her at all in any of your wedding planning.  Myself personally I would not even let her know when you get engaged.  I would elope just to avaoid any of her drama!

She doesn’t like to be the center of attention, but it sounds to me like she doesn’t want you to be the center of attention either.  Myself, being a mom of two grown children, I cannot tell you how proud I was of my kids on those special occasions, birthdays, graduations, prom…..  For her to intentionally sabotage your milestones in life is just down right mean.

I am sorry you are having to deal with this.  You are going to have to be the responsible adult and put her in her place and hold the line.  Or, be done with it completely.  Either way, you would not be able to let go of her previous displays of selfishness to her child/children.  It would be constantly on your mind…..

Tough spot to be in.  I hope it all works out for the best.

Post # 8
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@River_1217:  Honestly, it sounds to me like you are going to need to cut her out of the planning process altogether if you want to enjoy this process. A wedding is NOT for a mother and daughter to plan together unless the daughter wants it that way.  Plus, it seems evident she wants control. “Help” you pick out your gown sounds like pick it for you.  It also sounds like if you try to assert yourself at all, she’s going to be livid so you may as we’ll make her livid by just cutting her out completely until and unless she can let you make your own decisions and not ruin what should be happy things like finding your dress with negative commentary.

Maybe tell her straight up that planning together isn’t possible because the two of you have totally different ideas and you are not going to spend the next six months battling with her over YOUR wedding details.  Tell her you and your FI are planning the wedding and only ask for her support and accepting your decisions.  

This is probably a good time to set some firm boundaries with her. You’re not a kid anymore and      you don’t have to allow her to run roughshod over you anymore. 

Post # 9
1613 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@River_1217:  If she brings up the wedding, end the phone call.

IF need be, DO NOT invite her to the wedding.

She ruined graduations? She will ruin this.

If need be, have someone be her guardian that day and do not let her out of their sight.


DO NOT HAVE YOU HELP YOU PLAN. Do not answer her calls.

She will ruin this for you.

Post # 10
42076 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@River_1217:  You sound like you have managed to become a rather well adjusted person, despite your upbringing.

One of the problems with family is that we don’t get to choose them. We may have to love them (according to some people),  but we don’t have to like them or their behavior.

You can make a conscious choice to not let your Mom push your buttons. She obviously has her own issues, and likely some pretty serious ones, or she wouldn’t be trying to suck the joy out of her adult daughter’s life.

When I worked in the ER we were taught a technique for dealing with high stress situations. I think it’s particularly apt for brides.

Picture yourself with a veil that covers you from head to toe. Nothing can penetrate the veil to hurt you- not physically,emotionally, psychologically, spiritually. When she starts talking “Remember the Veil’!

Post # 11
615 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@River_1217:  when parents dont act like parents, you don’t need to be obligated to them in anyway.

Cut them out of your life completely and lose all contact. She sounds like a toxic person, why do we let family continue to torture us just cause they’re our “blood”? When in fact strangers/friends would never do anything that mean and heinous to you. 

My fiance cut his mom out of his life completely and haven’t talked to her in 2 years. She’s on some hard drugs, mental medications, raging alcoholic, and then got herpes from sleeping around. I told him we can’t have a relationship anymore as she wanted to move in with us when he got a job. What happens when we have kids and such?

You got to think about the future and everyone who could possibly be involved with this bad attitude of hers. She sounds selfish and doesn’t care about anyone but herself.

Post # 13
1613 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@River_1217:  Hun you are in a catch-22. If you don’t include her, she will be upset. If you do, she will ruin things.

I think for your sake do not take money from her, and plan your wedding with just you and your FI only.

Seriously, does she *have* to be at the wedding?? hehe

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