Trouble with the in-laws..what to do for Xmas? *LONG story!*

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
3769 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

To be honest, I don’t deal with anything negative with my ILs directly. That is my DH’s business to handle. If he thought an apology was necessary for making things awkward, then that would be fine, it’s not like he threw you under the bus saying you were wrong.

I would however tell them now that you are sorry for continuing on with the arguement after everything was settled, and that you would like to move on.

Post # 5
1613 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@laurabora:  Part of me wants to tell you to ignore them but the other part, no.

I would email him back stating that you are respecting him in that you are talking to him alone.

1) You will agree to enver email anything negative but he needs to learn how to be respectful and NOT send you nasty texts regarding your faith.

2) He is totally disrgarding his role in starting this whole mess. He needs to own up to it.


Post # 6
4819 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I think you were wrong to email in the first place. The only one that needed to know you were still hurt was your FI, and he does. If he felt he needed to apologize GOOD FOR HIM. Sometimes you just have to “take it” so to speak and move on.


At this point I think you  should take the tip and email back saying it was a mistake to open the can of worms again and that you too would like to just move on.

Post # 7
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@laurabora:  I get the feeling there is a lot more history and details to this story that you’re leaving out. I can’t believe all this is over your boyfriend’s brother attacking you for not being Catholic. 

I also don’t know what you hoped to accomplish with your email other than stir up more drama. Of course they were offended by what you wrote. Your boyfriend tried to smooth things over with his family and you decided to follow that up with a grenade. Why? 

Heres the thing – if someone doesn’t care for you, it’s unwise to hand them a legitimate gripe to use as ammunition against you. That’s what you just did. You legitimized their case against you. 

If your FBIL is being an abrasive ass, let his behavior speak for itself Without answer from you. Refuse to get in the ring with him. Stop being invested in proving how right you are/how wrong they are. If he crosses a boundary such as criticizing you for not being Catholic, then you politely but firmly put him in his place by thanking him for his concern and telling him you are comfortable with your beliefs and remind him that your relationship with God is not his burden to bear. 

You do it this way not for him, but for your boyfriend, your in-laws and yourself.

Frankly, it sounds like everyone in this situation needs to grow up. At the end of the day, you are all adults and should be able to get through the occasional family dinner pleasantly. 


Post # 8
5697 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

A) you and your fiance need to come to an agreement on how to handle this and how you BOTh feel. B) don’t take it upon yourself to email them again and say you don’t apologize, without him knowing about it. You’ve put yourself in a bad position now with HIS side of the family where you’ve now become “the drama queen”. C) his brother sounds like an asshole and I laughed when I read ‘I just want to hold my nephew”. HOW ABOUT NO?

Post # 9
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

@laurabora:  I am dealing with an in law issue myself, but I have learned a few things: when it involves the in laws directly, support your husband but don’t handle it yourself.

In your situation your SO and you should have discussed the feelings and made the decision to e-mail his brother TOGETHER. Your SO created a bad situation by apologizing on your behalf, but I understand it was to make peace. You definitely made a bad decision taking it upon yourself to send that e-mail. And your future in laws? They are just immature in a lot of ways, but were willing to let it go for the sake of being able to enjoy their new little nephew for Christmas.

It sucks because this is over an issue of religion. Rather than be offended, I would have just accepted that my religion or how I handle it is not his business and let it go. You chose to feel how you felt on Thanksgiving, and that is your right, but I feel bad for your SO for trying to smooth things over and then you going ahead and sending your own e-mail pretty much saying you’re not apologizing. I think there would have been a better way to get your point across without saying that.

Post # 10
28 posts
  • Wedding: April 2014

Even though sending that email wasn’t the easiest thing in the short term to do, I don’t think you were wrong in sending it. I also disagree with people when they say if your having a problem with the in-laws let FI deal with it because he has clearly offended you so it is completely your business to deal with it. I guess I wanted to say well done for standing up for yourself because a) he is clearly an a-hole and b) you appeared to handle it in a very mature way.

Post # 11
2209 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I don’t think your email was harsh or negative at all; you were just acknowledging the awkwardness of the situation, and his reaction was definitely over the top.  It sounds to me like your boyfriend’s brother is set on not liking you, for whatever reason.  Some people just fixate on what they don’t like about another person and allow that to be the impetus for a senseless feud.

That being said, you are set to get engaged any day now, and it sounds like you have a good relationship with your boyfriend’s parents.  Try to focus on what’s good about your relationships with your future in laws, and minimize contact and effort put into a relationship with your FBIL.  Be polite, but don’t go out of your way to be warm and kind to try to win his favor.  I would say that at this point, your short (and maybe long) term goal is simply to coexist.  Putting any more effort in right now will just create disappointment.

And, yeah, let your boyfriend handle the BS that comes up with his family.  Of course, if you’re present while said BS is occuring, sure it’s fine to get involved, but let him deal with his own crazy family and handle all long distance (phone, email, text) communication.

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