Post # 1
I have a (almost) step son who is almost 10 years old. His father (FI, big day is less than 10 days away!!!!!) and his mother have joint custody. They (he has a 8 y/o as well, who acts nothing like his older brother) spend combined about 1/2 the month here and half the month with mom.
The 10 y/o was their (FI and his ex) first child, and it’s beyond noticeable he was coddled….overly.
He gets here, he can NOT be alone, and by alone I mean if he looses eyesight with both of us he will scream and cry in terror. one of us ALWAYS has to be in the room with him, we can’t even go to the bathroom with the door closed because it makes us to far… He can not sleep alone him or his father HAVE to be in bed with him or he has to be in our bed.
He can’t be up past 8:00.. If we are out in public and he finds out its past 8 he will cry, screaming how he is worried he will be to tired in the morning, if we tell him he can sleep in he panics more.
FI said he has ALWAYS been this way, when he was about a year old FI’s ex kicked him to the guest bedroom and FI and her never slept in the same room again, she had to sleep with the boy.
10 year old still sleeps with mom at home, and mom caters and babies him and all his needs.
We are breaking him of the habits, when he is here more than a week we can have him in his room, alone and sleeping in his own room. Mind you, it is a very rough, long, loud and sleepless first 5 days or so… Then he goes home and comes back then all starts again..
Weve talked to mom several times, and she insists it’s what he wants but we can not deal! What do we do?
Post # 3
@Djacks88: yikes. So sorry. Do you think something else is going on with him?
Post # 4
@Djacks88: Poor kid, I’d talk to his mom about seeing a child psychologist.
Post # 5
That is really odd for a ten year old, and seems stunted developmentally. What do his teachers say? Has he been in counciling? If not, can your FI ask for it?
Post # 6
@Djacks88: Do you think the ex would agree to family counselling with all of you participating? Some people need a professional to tell them that what they are doing to their child is harmful.
Post # 7
Yikes…poor little guy. Im almost worried that if it doesn’t straighten out, he’d be picking up phobias through-out life.
He may need to be brought to a child psychologist. My 9 yr old cousin is having strange behavioural issues and her therapy is really helping.
Post # 8
She won’t do counciling, we’ve talked to his teachers, and he has no issues there. Mind you, since he’s still in elementary he is always supervised at school.
Post # 9
He is the sweetest, and smartest little boy you could ever meet. I love him as my own, and just want to HELP him, I hope no one takes this as me disliking him…
Post # 10
Agree with @nambi_pambi: & @Misswhowedding: & @julies1949: – This problem is bigger than BOTH of you… this child needs PROFESSIONAL help.
And ideally as julies1949: said it should be something that BOTH his Parents participate in (You as a Step-Mom can attend IF it is ok with BOTH of them) BUT this is a joint parenting issue.
Mom needs to come to grips that this is NOT NORMAL behaviours and that she is enabling him… and doing the boy (soon to be a pubescent teen) NO FAVOURS… in time he will get worse and be even more disfunctional / anxiety driven
Post # 11
Djacks88: Kudos to you for good parenting efforts. I don’t know where you are from, but in most states it’s illegal for a child over age 6 to sleep in same room (not to mention bed) of oposite sex – which includes parents. The childs mother needs professional help in order to instill the rules you are setting….that is if she’s not the one feeding him towards that behavior.
Post # 12
We all have a very open relationship. The four of us (FI, myself Ex and her long term partner) talk regularly. When we exchange kids its over a meal, she calls me more than she calls him. I could even say we are all friends…
When we talk about 10 year old she swears she will change, understands our concerns etc etc. But then, nothing happens. She refuses to let him see a specialist as she claims it will “brain wash” him.
Mind you, they have a 8 year old who is the polar opposite. He is typical boy with none of these “issues”
Post # 13
As a therapist (not with children though) this is a big red flag for other issues and as PP have said he needs professional help. Would she be open to a school counselor rather than someone outside the circle?
Post # 14
That’s a tough situation to be in. If mom’s not open to counseliing, I would suggest you and FI begin it with him and continue to prod mom to join you. If she refuses, give her suggestions given from the therapist. This child sounds like he needs to be seen by a professional, the sooner the better. This is not typical behavior of a child his age. Good luck to you and please keep us posted.
Post # 15
@ApollosAgapi: I have never heard of this!! Very interesting.
Post # 16
@ApollosAgapi: Wow. I had no idea it is illegal for children of the opposite sex to sleep in the same bed as parents (in most states)!! My son sleeps in his own room, but on the rare occasion DH is gone for night (hunting/boys weekend at the cabin, etc…) DS and I usually have a slumberparty. He’s 5- but still!! I can’t imagine.
And if DS has a fever- he sleeps with me and DH sleeps on the sofa- especially if it’s a high fever- because then I can easily check on him all night.
I know that my younger brother used to sleep in my parents bed when my dad would go out of town- on the occasion- especially if there was a thunderstorm or something. They have a big, old house- when he was like 11.
I think it’s kind of a bummer that it’s illegal- does that mean a sleepover with my cousins (male and female) was illegal when I was a child? We’d all pile into one room- usually the livingroom for a big sleepover.
And to be honest- three in bed is a crowd- because it’s a queen. But if DH is away, I’m more than happy to lt DS sleep with me– because I know one day it’s going to be very uncool to sleep in your parents room- and he’s my son!! Of course we love cuddles!!