Troubles with my manipulative alcoholic mother

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1500 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I say get her in a rehab facility :/

You’re her only child or do you have siblings?

Post # 4
Member
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Sorry you’re going through this,@Cummins59:  It sounds like she needs treatment.  Would she be willing to go if pressed by both you and her husband?

 

Post # 5
Member
1599 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Cummins59:  Al-anon. Do not pass go. Do not collect $100.  Run to the nearest meeting.

She and her husband are NOT your responsibility- you have gone above and beyond what a child should have to do for a parent.

I know alanon seems cheesy and weird and culty but trust me- go to 5 meetings before you make another move to or around your mother.  5 different ones if you have to.  I had a very similar relationship with my father (my “last straw” was him leaving my stranded in the middle of the woods at an amtrak stop when he got arrested for his 6th DUI that I know of… he was so drunk coming to pick me up that he jumped a median and ran into an oncoming lane of traffic on a 4-lane highway.)  I have so so so so SO been there. Al-anon has helped me tremendously.  If you’re scared to go in-person, they also have phone meetings http://www.afg-phonemeetings.blogspot.com/

I know how hard this is… but you are an adult and you deserve your own life and your own happiness. You’ve earned it.

Post # 7
Member
1599 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Cummins59:  oh and to answer your question “what would you to”- after the above incident I got into al-anon and have told my father via a letter that I would only speak to him when he was actively in recovery in a 12-step program. He’s called me multiple times, drunk, cursing me out for being a bitch or just like my mother or ungrateful or whatever, but he always gets my voicemail. I haven’t spoken to him since that day 6 years ago, and he is not invited to my wedding.  My life is SO much better and more peaceful without him.  As far as I’ve heard, he spent a few more stints in jail, is now married to an active user and continues to drink.

Post # 8
Member
237 posts
Helper bee

@Cummins59:  I’m so sorry that you’re in this situation. My FMIL is exactly the same way as your mother, and it has been very hard on my SO. For the longest time he would do everything for her, like driving her to her AA meetings and to “weekend” jail the time she was arrested. He had assumed that if he helped her enough, something would click. It never did, and now he’s trying to help his sister realize that “saving” their mother all the time doesn’t work and only hurts themselves.

My FMIL is immature and an abusive alcoholic, and she does not want to change. She was successfully sober a few short times when she joined AA, but there’s always something that takes her back to drinking, which she believes she is in her full right to do and no one can stop her. The first thing I noticed about her home when we met was she had this beautiful dining room set, but none of the chairs matched. While drunk, she would pick fights with her son and throw the chairs at him. Eventually, all the chairs were smashed and she got new ones from the flea market. While out for dinner for Easter, she verbally attacked her grandson and when my SO told her to back off, she went after him. We left before she caused a bigger scene, which included her losing control of her bodily functions and physically attacking her daughter. She has no respect for anyone but herself. Her boyfriend showed up at my SO’s sister’s home after FMIL had been missing for three days and he didn’t know where she was. She was at a “party house”. She did not want to go home.

We (very purposefully) have not seen her in two years, and she has made no point to contact us, either. My Dad and my SO have both made it very clear that she will not be invited to our wedding. My SO used to be the one who would have to babysit her at family functions, and he does not want that responsibility or the headache of her being present. 

I think two of the main differences is that you’re the only one your mother has to talk to, besides her new husband, and she wants to talk to you. You’re in a tough spot, OP.

Post # 9
Member
237 posts
Helper bee

@bkrocks13:  “She and her husband are NOT your responsibility- you have gone above and beyond what a child should have to do for a parent.”  +100000000000

Post # 10
Member
300 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

2nd the recommendation for al-anon.   Call today.

Post # 12
Member
920 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

Here’s the problem with rehab, someone has to want to go for it to work.  People who don’t want to go aren’t going to get better.  She thinks she doesn’t have a problem.  The only option you have is cutting her out.  I’m really sorry that your dealing with this but that is the only option.

Post # 14
Member
920 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

@Cummins59:

It can be really hard to live with especially at first but that’s okay.  Change takes time to get use to.  It’s something to actually think about and not just do on a whim.  From personal experiences what really helps me is that my fiance always tells me I was right to cut them off, I’m super close to my fiance’s family, and no matter how bad the day was I never go to bed regretting leaving them. 

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