Post # 1
i created this account because I am so sad right now, I probably could use some advice and comfort. I recently got engaged in Nov and the wedding date is fixed to be on 31 Aug 2014.
i am Hindu from Asia and my fiancé is Sikh from Europe. My fiancé and his family have been nice to allow the wedding to take place as per the Hindu custom instead of the Sikh way. I have been trying to plan my wedding in Asia with my parents but they have been so controlling.
My fiancé and I are paying for most of the wedding expense (9/10 of it) yet my parents are being so demanding and controlling. They refused to let me have anything I want for my wedding. Like for example my fiance and i picked a doorgift we lifor for the wedding and my parents said no there is no need for that. I wanted a specific photographer and videographer for my wedding and they said its too expensive and would be ridiculous to pay that much for photographer and videographer. I wanted specifc wedding decorations and they flatly said no and said people don’t come to your wedding to see your decorations. Almost every single thing I suggested was refused and I felt so sad.
i feel so sad that its my wedding yet my parents are being so mean and controlling. They don’t cahat that its my wedding and seem to think it should be their way or the highway. i got upset and told my parents that they cannot be refusing everything I want it is my wedding and I want to at least have the final say on the deco and the photography/videography. They got very angry and now refuse to care for my wedding. One of the things my dad said also said to my mum after i left also hurt me so much he said if she carries on this way I want nothing to do with her wedding and I will tell all the family about how her ex bf left her (I was heartbroken that my dad would be so vengeful to even say that) He also said if she wants a wedding here she better follow exactly everything we are saying otherwise she can go marry that Sikh boy in his style of wedding in Europe. My dad spend a lot on my education so one of the things he said to mum besides the above was that if she is trying to be on her high horse she can pay me back every single dime I spent on her wedding before she gets married.
i always thought parents would be the happiest when a child gets married I can only feel like I am unwanted and a burden for my family. Like they don’t even care for me and can’t wait to see me leave.
Now I feel so sad I just feel like telling my fiancé can we have a simple wedding. In fact just the registration and solemnisation and nothing more. I always dreamt of my dream wedding but I guess unlike most girls I am not fortunate to have that … I am crying as I type this. I hope some one could give me some comfort and strength …
thank you for listening and sorry if the story above is a little long. I just wanted to pour my sorrows on this blog and hope some kind soul can give me strength
Post # 3
@Galant_Sonya: I feel for you. It’s really sad not to have your parent’s support in a happy time like this. Not sure what advice to give…have they always been this controlling?
Post # 4
@miss forever: yes unfortunately they have always been controlling. Is it wrong to plan a dream wedding? Seems like this is very wrong. And they make me feel so bad…they say things like I am unfilial and being rude simply because I say that it’s my wedding and I would like to at least have the final say on the deco and photography/videography?.
the only reason why I even decided to have the wedding in Asia is because my dad said he won’t attend if I was in Europe. Sadly even having it in Asia means I won’t have the dream wedding I always wanted.
I just dont even know what to feel anymore…
Post # 5
They are controlling because you are allowing theM to be. I think there are some cultural differences that are hard for me to relate to at play here, but if it was me I would tell them to back off since they aren’t paying. You don’t need to tell them what things cost since they aren’t paying and it’s not their money! You need to set former boundaries with them so they realize you are an adult now capable of making your own choices in life. If they don’t want to be a part of your life bc of that then it’s really their loss. You can’t live your life for your parents anymore.
Post # 6
@MrsWBS: I wish I could do that…if I did that they would probably disown me or something and not attend the wedding even .. unfortunately, in our culture having a wedding without the parents being present (if they are still around) is shunned upon and I don’t think my in-laws would take too well to that. They don’t particularly agree with my dad’s dominating nature and my finance and I almost broke off once because of this. I cannot risk my parents not attending my wedding as I don’t think his family would agree to our wedding without my parents blessings.
I just feel like having a simple registration and solemnisation now. I am too heartbroken to have any desires or wishes for my wedding now. I am just broken…
Post # 7
keep your head up. You are th. Only person that can control your emotions and feelings. if you don’t want to feel bad, don’t. It’s unfortunate your parents are behaving this way but you can’t change that. Do what you want to do and they will follow or they possibly won’t. Remember this is your life and you have to live it the way you see fit. Good luck my dear and remember nobody can make you feel a certain way you choose to let yourself feel that way.
Post # 8
@Galant_Sonya: I am aware of some of the cultural and societal pressures you re facing.
If the two of you are paying for the wedding, can you pick a few things that are important to you, arrange them yourself, and not discuss them with your parents?
The doorgift, for example. Is that like a favor? Just go ahead and make the arrangements if it is important to you. I doubt your parents would make a scene at the wedding. Do you think they would?
Despite all else, keep your focus on the fact that you will be marrying the love of your life.
Post # 9
@julies1949: I will try to be strong but sometimes when you go through things like this it’s hard to be strong
Post # 10
You’re paying for it, so you have it if you want it. Adults who let their parents “control” them when they’re old enough to stand up for themselves are as much to blame as the parents. It’s hard to stand up to them, but you need to do it. Not just for your sake, but for your FI’s sake.
Post # 11
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
You’re in a tough situation, OP, and I feel for you. But I think you have to look at the reality: Because of your father’s personality as well as your cultural background, you can either do the wedding as your parents want or do the registration/solemnisation. (I assume your parents wouldn’t object to that?)
Personally I’d do the wedding, and maybe try to sneak in the doorgift, as PP suggested. If your FI pays for the photographer/videographer and invites that person, how would your father know? I know it’s sneaky, but he’s being so unreasonable!
The great thing is, you are marrying a wonderful man and will be making your own family.
Post # 12
@prahajess: thank you for your kind words… Yes indeed I am marrying a wonderful man. I spoke to him earlier and told him what happened and couldn’t help but break down. He told me its your wedding and you will get everything you desire. I am with you don’t worry. His words really comfort me as I know he truly cares and understands how I feel about the whole thing
Post # 13
You need to stand up for yourself. They’re blackmailing you, pure and simple, and to be blunt, you’re letting them. I know you say they won’t come to the wedding, etc etc, but you and yr fiancé are adults, and you have to choose if you’re going to live your own lives, or allow someone else ( ie your parents) to live it for you, because I doubt they’re going to stop this behavior after the wedding.
Post # 14
I know exactly how you feel. I come from a muslim, Arab-Americans family and my FI is Christian, American. In June when I told my parents I was engaged they stopped talking to me, especially my dad. Now a few weeks ago I called him to tell him Happy Birthday and he started shaming me for not calling him when he was ill. He said he has come to accept my FI but that I am not allowed to have a christian cermony (months ago I promised to do a muslim cermony for their sake but not on the wedding day). Then he said I must invite my family; people who have been saying terrible things about me dishonoring the family and such. So basically if I don’t do what he asks of me he says we will no longer be family and he will not attend my wedding.
I agree that you could try to sneak your own idea’s in; however, I also perdict that you might hear your father complain about it later or, worse, on the wedding day. Basically it will never end, just like my father, your father is punishing you for selecting an FI outside of the faith/culture. Why not have a Sikh wedding all together?
No matter what you do just remember that your deserve to be happy on your wedding day. It’s about you and your FI, so if your parents can’t learn to be happy for you then maybe you shouldn’t try to accommodate them.
Post # 15
@Galant_Sonya: as long as you allow your father to act like this, he will do so. He is basically saying if he does not get his way he will throw a tantrum and not attend. you have to leRn to say “fine that is your choice. I am sorry you feel that way”. It is going to be hard to break the pattern already established and it won’t be easy. However, trying to take control of your life now will be easier than forever having them control your life. It is a fight worth having.
Post # 16
I have West Indian parents and the dynamics are very similar. My parents controlled my wedding so much that I eloped. It is considered a disgrace in my parents’ culture for an adult child to elope, especially an only daughter like me. My parents did not speak to my husband and I for almost a year.
My parents consider me very rebellious because I stand up for myself. They have tried to use guilt to control me in the past. They can also be very manipulative. The relationship did not change until they realized that I was my own woman.
You are paying for you own wedding, so you are the one that makes the rules. Maybe your parents can pay for the parts of the wedding that aren’t important to you. That might give them a sense of purpose. You can also hire a wedding planner to mediate or use a trusted family member to run interference.
If all else fails, you will have to bite the bullet and tell your parents that you will have your wedding YOU want. They are free not to attend. Controlling parents don’t know what to know when their adult kid calls their bluff. It took many arguments, but my parents finally realize that they cannot run my life. The heartache was worth it. They are the only parents I have and I still love them, even though they are far too old fashioned and ignorant.