Truly sad… I wish my parents weren't like this

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
183 posts
Blushing bee

@Galant_Sonya:  I feel for you. It’s really sad not to have your parent’s support in a happy time like this. Not sure what advice to give…have they always been this controlling? 

Post # 5
Member
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

They are controlling because you are allowing theM to be. I think there are some cultural differences that are hard for me to relate to at play here, but if it was me I would tell them to back off since they aren’t paying. You don’t need to tell them what things cost since they aren’t paying and it’s not their money! You need to set former boundaries with them so they realize you are an adult now capable of making your own choices in life. If they don’t want to be a part of your life bc of that then it’s really their loss. You can’t live your life for your parents anymore.

Post # 7
Member
463 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

keep your head up. You are th. Only person that can control your emotions and feelings. if you don’t want to feel bad, don’t. It’s unfortunate your parents are behaving this way but you can’t change that. Do what you want to do and they will follow or they possibly won’t. Remember this is your life and you have to live it the way you see fit. Good luck my dear and remember nobody can make you feel a certain way you choose to let yourself feel that way.

Post # 8
Member
42538 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Galant_Sonya:  I am aware of some of the cultural and societal pressures you re facing.

If the two of you are paying for the wedding, can you pick a few things that are important to you, arrange them yourself, and not discuss them with your parents?

The doorgift, for example. Is that like a favor? Just go ahead and make the arrangements if it is important to you. I doubt your parents would make a scene at the wedding. Do you think they would?

Despite all else, keep your focus on the fact that you will be marrying the love of your life.

Post # 10
Member
263 posts
Helper bee

You’re paying for it, so you have it if you want it. Adults who let their parents “control” them when they’re old enough to stand up for themselves are as much to blame as the parents. It’s hard to stand up to them, but you need to do it. Not just for your sake, but for your FI’s sake.

Post # 11
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

You’re in a tough situation, OP, and I feel for you. But I think you have to look at the reality: Because of your father’s personality as well as your cultural background, you can either do the wedding as your parents want or do the registration/solemnisation. (I assume your parents wouldn’t object to that?)

Personally I’d do the wedding, and maybe try to sneak in the doorgift, as PP suggested. If your FI pays for the photographer/videographer and invites that person, how would your father know? I know it’s sneaky, but he’s being so unreasonable!

The great thing is, you are marrying a wonderful man and will be making your own family. 

Post # 13
Member
576 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

You need to stand up for yourself. They’re blackmailing you, pure and simple, and to be blunt, you’re letting them. I know you say they won’t come to the wedding, etc etc, but you and yr fiancé are adults, and you have to choose if you’re going to live your own lives, or allow someone else ( ie your parents) to live it for you, because I doubt they’re going to stop this behavior after the wedding.

Post # 14
Member
40 posts
Newbee

@Galant_Sonya:   

 

I know exactly how you feel. I come from a muslim, Arab-Americans family and my FI is Christian, American. In June when I told my parents I was engaged they stopped talking to me, especially my dad. Now a few weeks ago I called him to tell him Happy Birthday and he started shaming me for not calling him when he was ill. He said he has come to accept my FI but that I am not allowed to have a christian cermony (months ago I promised to do a muslim cermony for their sake but not on the wedding day). Then he said I must invite my family; people who have been saying terrible things about me dishonoring the family and such. So basically if I don’t do what he asks of me he says we will no longer be family and he will not attend my wedding. 

 

I agree that you could try to sneak your own idea’s in; however, I also perdict that you might hear your father complain about it later or, worse, on the wedding day.  Basically it will never end, just like my father, your father is punishing you for selecting an FI outside of the faith/culture. Why not have a Sikh wedding all together? 

 

No matter what you do just remember that your deserve to be happy on your wedding day. It’s about you and your FI, so if your parents can’t learn to be happy for you then maybe you shouldn’t try to accommodate them.

Post # 15
Member
496 posts
Helper bee

@Galant_Sonya:  as long as you allow your father to act like this, he will do so. He is basically saying if he does not get his way he will throw a tantrum and not attend. you have to leRn to say “fine that is your choice. I am sorry you feel that way”. It is going to be hard to break the pattern already established and it won’t be easy. However, trying to take control of your life now will be easier than forever having them control your life. It is a fight worth having.

Post # 16
Member
3195 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I have West Indian parents and the dynamics are very similar. My parents controlled my wedding so much that I eloped. It is considered a disgrace in my parents’ culture for an adult child to elope, especially an only daughter like me. My parents did not speak to my husband and I for almost a year. 

My parents consider me very rebellious because I stand up for myself. They have tried to use guilt to control me in the past. They can also be very manipulative. The relationship did not change until they realized that I was my own woman. 

You are paying for you own wedding, so you are the one that makes the rules. Maybe your parents can pay for the parts of the wedding that aren’t important to you. That might give them a sense of purpose. You can also hire a wedding planner to mediate or use a trusted family member to run interference. 

If all else fails, you will have to bite the bullet and tell your parents that you will have your wedding YOU want. They are free not to attend. Controlling parents don’t know what to know when their adult kid calls their bluff. It took many arguments, but my parents finally realize that they cannot run my life. The heartache was worth it. They are the only parents I have and I still love them, even though they are far too old fashioned and ignorant. 

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