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@salsarita, my heart goes out to you.
But what type of advice are you looking for? That you should leave him? You should. That he is lying to you and will continue to lie to you? He will. Im sure all of your friends and family have told you the same thing. Ultimately, this is your decision because this is your life. It seems as though this behavior has been going on for some time. I doubt things will change. So you can either a) continue to deal with it or b) take ownership of your life and happiness.
Best of luck to you
The trust issues aren't your fault! He has lied to you and betrayed you--no wonder you don't trust him. Get out, and the sooner the better!
Hmmm...I suspect some of the encore brides with kids would have better advice, but I don't think ending your relationship with him means that your child cant' have him as a father. Of course it'll be different than you both living together with the baby, but that isn't necessarily worse. If your relationship isn't good and he disrespects you, your child will pick up on that.
You are hurting and he hasn't done anything to show that he's sorry or willing to change...so I think you need to remove yourself from the situation. If he wants to be a father to your baby, he will continue to be one regardless of whether you are still together.
Thanks for your input ladies. I have some friends who encourage me to leave, and other family and friends that encourage me to try and work it out for the sake of my son.
My parents split when I was nine, and shortly after my mother abandoned me and my two younger brothers. I think I'm afraid that if I break up the family, one of us might do the same to my boy. I never want him to feel that type of pain. I never want him to wonder if things were his fault or to feel unloved as I did.
At the same time, I do not want him to learn that it is the norm to disrespect women or that lying is ok. I'm torn.
I also still see the good, sweet side of V at times. I've stopped searching through his phone, email, myspace...
I have convinced myself that the "laws of the universe" or "karma" will bite him in the ass one day if he keeps his bs up... Oh and I think now that it's been a little over a year after the baby was born the hormone overload has finally left my body!
I am a bit suprised by the unanimous "go" votes so far!
Sweetie, I am so sorry you are going through this... ESPECIALLY after having his child!!! I'm not sure I can give you any advice other than go with your gut feeling- it's usually right. The other advice I will give is to make use of your support system: your friends and family will help you get through it if you decide to leave... you're don't have to go it alone! Good Luck! 
Hi Salsarita,
I would say leave him. You should read my other post on "How can I trust him again?" My husband talked to 5 other girls behind my back and tells them he is single. I too was being nosey one day when I notice he was searching for a girl's name on myspace and google. Some girl that lives in Anaheim. So then I went to look at the phone bill. Indeed that I found out my husband had been talking a girl in Anaheim. I took that number and grab his cell phone one day when he was showering. Indeed those names match the name he typed in the search. I called that girl and she told me she had no idea he was married. She said that he was going after her and that he said he was single. They had been talking to each other 2 months practically everyday and went out as a group 3 or 4 times. She was the only girl going out with him and his guy friends. If you read my post, you will see that others have suggested me to leave. NOT only is my husband behavior like that, he is also verbally and physically abusive. The physical was more like pushing and grabbing. Because of all the advice I have here at wedding bee, I have finally gathered the courage to leave. I just told my husband today that I want a divorce. So please follow your heart for what you feel is right. Mine said to leave because I deserve better.
I have to agree with the sound advice given by the other ladies here. It sounds like your instincts are telling you what to do but you just need that PUSH to finally do it!
I definitely understand that having a child complicates matters but I agree that you can still have your child's father in your son's life without being involved in a romantic relationship with him. And no matter what happens in your relationship, your son will be fully aware of how much love you have for him!
Here are a few questions that a cheating guy needs to answer correctly before you can try to fix your relationship:
How does he feel about his behavior?
Is he trying to analyze the causes of his behavior and prevent it from happening again?
Does he understand how much he has hurt you, and is he willing to do anything to make you feel better?
If the answer to these questions are that he thinks his behavior is fine, that he has no interest in changing his behavior and he doesn't care about how much he has hurt you (or thinks it is your fault for being oversensitive) then I'm afraid that there isn't much of a foundation for a successful marriage.
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ok first of all, it doesn't matter how you found all the evidence, he's the one lying. you are not at fault at all! i agree with beagle, follow your gut. i would love to tell you to leave, but you know your situation far better than me. while having your child grow up with split parents may be hard, it may be far harder to grow up in a disrupted home based on lies. good luck sweetheart! we're here for you!
Sorry you're going through this. I couldn't live with my husband if he was doing the things you've mentioned.
Hey sweetie, So sorry you are going through this! A couple of things:
You say you only found things because you were looking. DO NOT let yourself fall into the trap of thinking that ignorance is bliss and you'd be happier if you hadn't found what you did. When things are rotten under the surface it is only a matter of time before it comes to the surface. And it is much better that you know these things now when you can make the decision to deal with this before it affects your life and your child's life in a really bad way.
I think it is wonderful that you want to make sure your son has a relationship with his father. But it is just as important that you show your son what it means to be a strong, self-respecting woman. Teach him through your actions what that women deserve nothing less than the best from their parners. And teach him to be the kind of man his father has not been.
Take care!
Miss Rain
Although there may still be a "good side" to V, nobody should have to leave with the fear of history repeating, and that is exactly what you will be doing.
I think it's perfectly acceptable that you would not want to break up your family, but what kind of family allows this type of behavior? I had divorced parents, and my father was still a huge part of my life. That's a choice your man will just have to make. But you're the one who will make a decision in your child's best interest.
As others said above, go with your gut. Your family may want you to work it out, but in the end, I'm sure your friends and family will support you as long as the decision you make is the best one for you and your child.
I am so sorry that you are being treated this way. I think that in your heart you probably know the right thing to do is to leave him. He does not sound that he is a mature enough individual to be in a committed relationship right now.
Wish you the best!
I'm the same as you. At least, I used to be. I'd stay and stay and stay. Past relationships? 5 years (and he was emotionally abusive) and 4 years (and he was not right for me at all). I too am 26. Trust me when i say... if you're having these issues now, it's probably not going to get better. There are always exceptions, but it seems like your gut is telling you differently. And if he IS cheating, then is he really a good role model for your son to have? Your son deserves to grow up in a happy household and parents who have a loving, heatlhy relationship. Do you think that can be acheived with your current situation? If you do, then stay and work it out. Get counseling and find honesty in your relationship. If you don't, then you owe it to yourself and your son to carve a new path.
It sounds to me like the reason you posted this at all we because you had serious enough doubts to leave him....
I'm of the camp go with your gut, but you also have to be smart about it. A child that grows up in a loveless home has just as difficult of a time as one that grows up with divorce. Before you get married, go.
Hopefully in the future you'll find a true love, and your son won't have to go without a solid father figure in his life that loves you (and him) completely and is committed to your family.
You're absolutely right! I have major doubts about the relationship. Why is is that right when you make up your mind to leave, they seem to change for the better? Do men have a sixth sense or something?
The last incident happened at the end of Feb and since then I have strongly considered leaving... I've even gone looking for my own place for my son and I.
Over the last month, month and a half V has changed. I'm not sure if something finally struck a nerve? I believe it was professorbee that asked three important questions:
Does he feel bad... Yes, I think so. At leats after we got through the denial stage and the lies stopped, he did. I think guys tend to believe there own lies to avoid any type pf feelings. I smashed through his lies with hard evidence and proof. (You can't deny phone records, text messages, voicemails, things on the comp, etc...)
Is he analyzing the behavior and trying to prevent it from happening again... I don't really know. I know that I have stopped trying to find ways to make it my fault, and I have analyzed the situation several times.
Does he understand how much he's hurt me, is he willing to do anything to make it better... um. no.
The question that always comes to mind is this...
Is love supposed to be unconditional?
I'm leaning toward givinig it one last try...
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I wanted to add one last thing:
I think love is unconditional, but there's a point when you have to ask: what is this costing me? Also, just because you love someone, as much as it is, or someone loves you, it doesn't always mean you are good together. I had a really, really hard time learning that last one. A relationship is so much more than "just" love. There is respect, understanding, compassion, empathy, a willing to listen and sacrifice (and I'm sure the list could go on and on).
I wish you the best of luck and happiness in whatever path you choose to take. If you ever need advice or just want to vent... the hive is always here! :) Good Luck!
I'm a single mom. It's NOT easy. But it is best to be a healthy and sane mom with a healthy and sane living environment for your child too.
This man is and sounds like a serial cheater.
He is untrustworthy.
I would see a counselor alone and also with him and get their honest opinion, but my sincere feeling is that it's probably best you go it alone.
He is disrespectful and not behaving as either a loving partner, adult, or a father.
I wish you and your precious baby the best the world has to offer you both..You WILL find love again. Heal yourself and your heart and love the baby and create a loving home together and in time you will meet the right guy..TRUST ME on this!
Your a mother now so use your maternal instincts and go with them! I left my son's father after a six years relationship and my son was 10months old. We all do things to better our lives and now you have another life to think about. Unfortunately no one can tell you what to do this is your decision and you will be a better person when you figure it out! Good luck and I know you will figure it out!
P.S. did you ever call these ex's and see what they can tell you?
I'm sorry, Salsarita, you are having some hard challenges right now.
To answer your question, I don't think romantic love is supposed to be unconditional. It is conditional on many things. First, in order for there to be a relationship there is a big condition... he must love her and she must love him. If she loves him with no reciprocation, there isn't a relationship. To some degree with relationships, people need to be a bit selfish, in that they shouldn't be in relationships they get nothing from. (If you aren't happy, the relationship will fail. You'll be miserable.) I'm not saying there shouldn't be the need for forgiveness. Everyone makes mistakes. But you have to figure out when someone made a mistake, and when they aren't living up to your expectations.
There are other conditions that differ by people. A girl who wants to marry her guy might find if there is no proposal and that "condition" isn't met, she breaks up with him. Fidelity is a reasonable condition to put on a relationship. When you get married you agree to give up other people. That is a condition of marriage. Wanting to have children might be a condition for another couple in staying or breaking up.
Our children we love unconditionally. But we don't exactly get to choose them. Spouses we get to select. We have to feel compatible with them. Have you ever turned someone down for a date? If so, they probably weren't meeting some condition you established.
When you choose someone to be with as a life partner, over every other potential partner, in the world, I hope you have decided upon some conditions you need your partner to meet. (Wanting children?, being faithful?, religion? having a career/goals?, respecting his mama?)
Good luck. (Hugs.)
Oh and I also had to add Salsarita..my ex husband ALSO claimed he never cheated either..even when confronted with the evidence I had from a private investigator..What would you expect him to say? If these actions are true, he's probably cheating now.
Where there's smoke, there's fire..and the darned house is burning down because this man is not only scheming after one woman..but several.
You said he says he's not cheating but each time he lied to your face.
I side with the other poster who said to call these women and find out the truth yourself. He may have been lying to them too.
I personally believe for every one person who just cannot commit, there are two who can be faithful and love one person. I'm not and never was discouraged when I left my former H. I realized it was *HIM* with the problem. I wasn't the problem. He was his own problem.
As far as unconditional love, I love my child that way and he loves me that way too. That's a parental type of love. I also have so much love for T and he I but WE HAVE BOUNDARIES.which in other words could be taken for CONDITIONS. One is truth. We tell each other the truth. Fidelity is another. Respect is another boundary..and we could go on and on.
BOUNDARIES are HEALTHY to have!
We EXPECT this from each other and we know that if we are actively GIVING this to one another our love will grow exponentially! We also realize that love takes work, it's not all hearts, flowers, and romantic dinners. It's give and take too. I do not unconditionally give my heart away to a man. He has to earn my love and respect as he should with me too. I refuse to turn a blind eye and love my partner if they actively chose to disrespect me, disrespect our committment to each other, and behave selfishly and childishly.
Your FI has been blessed with a wonderful woman (you) and a beautiful baby and if he can't appreciate it, somebody else will after your heart heals.
Bellenga,
Hi! Yes, I spoke to each of the women. I called the one who left the voicemail, she insisted nothing was going on and that they were just friends. The fact that she was an ex and he chose to speak with her without my knowledge still made me uncomfortable. She has since disappeared. (ex#2)
Now ex #1... she's a real piece of work. I've had issues with her since day one. She wrote me emails saying she just wanted to be his friend, and at that time he was completley up front with me every time she contacted him, he told me. He ended up changing his number because she wouldn't stop. I hadn't heard anything about her or from her for a whole year, but after I had the baby she sent him an email congratulating him. I'm pretty sure that's when they started talking again. We went through a rough time after the baby was born. He was in the NICU for a month and I was at my lowest with PPD on top of that. Anyway...
On Dec 14,2008 I had a gut feeling about her. For some reason I just knew he was talking to her again. So... I waited for him to fall asleep and I looked through his phone. He suddenly had his picture mail locked, and I had to break the code! How I did that, I have no idea, but there was a pic of her naked ass, with the caption "do you want me now?" There was no name saved to the number the pic was sent from, so I didn't know for sure who's ass it was at that point. Here's where it gets good...
I texted the number from his phone, acting as if I were him... Got her to meet me at a local restaurant, and had a nice long talk with her. When she saw it was me and not him meeting her, the look on her face was PRICELESS!!! I grilled her about the situation... and she basically told me that she was pursuing him, but that he always refused to meet up with her. He did confide in her about some of our problems though, and that bothers me. The other thing that bothers me is that he was talking with her behind my back... I haven't heard from her since. V insists that she is psycho and got his new number from her friend that works at Sprint. Isn't that illegal or something?
The last girl... actually used to be a friend of mine. We had a falling out a few months back and I almost think she only drunk texted him to spite me. She was the one who introduced us, they were friends before I ever knew him. She insists that they were only speaking as friends and that her husband read the text wrong or took it out of context, but her husband also banned her from speaking V after the incident.
Now that you have the gory details... do you still think I should leave???
I have to answer your last question with a resounding Yes, I think for you & your child's happiness you should not be in a relationship with someone where you have to tolerate any of the behavior you've mentioned.
Yes, I think you need to get away from all the childish drama that he is bringing into your life and concentrate on your child and yourself. Yes, yes, a million times yes. Leave him! I would have kicked his a$$ by now, if I were you. :) I'm mean!
First of all, I'm sorry that you're going through this!
The old adage: "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, (and then some!) shame on me" is very fitting. He's gotten away with it over & over again. He won't change after marriage... kick him to the curb. Don't get me wrong, I don't think its your fault!! I'm just sad that you feel like you're the one with trust issues... you don't have issues. He does. Some men are great at making women feel insecure & silly for feeling certain ways, when usually her feelings are justified. Women's intuition is NEVER wrong (you know, that gnawing feeling). If you feel its happening- it probably is.
Just make sure you have a good lawyer so you can get legal custody & child support set in place. You can't just take off with the baby... it could get hairy. Well wait... are you married to him? If not, I believe you have full custody already... check it out with a lawyer.
Good luck & stay strong :)
You mothered his child and he is treating you like this.
I am going to go ahead and say it, this is unacceptable behavior.
He should spend every day earning you, loving and showing you respect.
I always come back to the idea that I bet your husband would be very unhappy if a man treated his daughter, sister or mother the way he is treating you. Unfair and unloving actions on his part.
Your child does not deserve to be raised in a house where the father isn't demonstrating a healthy relationship. What a child sees, a child does.
Do you always want to wonder about his faithfulness, or trustworthiness?
I am a big proponent of marriage for life, but a marriage should enhance your life not drag you down.
Best of luck, and lots of hugs.
HELLZ FREAKING YEAH GET OUT.
You've given him enough second chances. the fact that you've even considered leaving so often should tell you something!!!! Get out, please! He doesn't deserve your time or love.
I think this is one of those times that you should listen to your friends and family and everyone else and take it to heart. There is a reason people are telling you to leave. This guy sounds like a piece of work to me and YOU DESERVE BETTER.
Hello,
I am so sorry. It sucks. I think if you are only staying with him for your child, then that is really damageing to you and your child. My bfs parents fought all the time and shady things went on and he is messed up because of it. I am not saying to leave him and never see him again becuase he is the father. But you want your kid to know you respect yourself and that that is not the way to be treated in a relationship.
I think that if you are questioning it so much you already know what you should do. I have been faced with similar situations and moving on is really scary and it does hurt, but it is for the best.
Good luck and follow your heart becuase no matter how much advice and opinions you get it is up to you to listen to your brain and your heart for the best outcome.
Hi ladies!
I have to say I was a bit disappointed that not one person voted to stay and work it out. Most of you on the site are either married or about to get married. I understand why everyone urges me to leave. His behavior was completely unacceptable. However, no matter what relationship you are in... at one point or another you get hurt. Maybe one day I'll reach a breaking point but for now, I choose to keep trying.
I voted to leave him.
I believe in strong, independant, self-reliant women. Women who stand up for themselves and what makes them happy. Women who don't need a man to complete their life. Women who understand that you can't change people, you can only change how you react to them. Women who only let people who bring them joy and peace control their lives. Women who constantly challenge themselves and those around them to make their world a better place.
But, just because that is my manifesto doesn't mean it has to be yours.
CHK,
It seems you are saying I am not the type of woman you described in your manifesto.
Choosing to stay in a relationship and work through problems does not make me weak, co-dependant, or reliant on a man. I believe the opposite. I believe working through problems takes a lot more strength than running or giving up. I don't believe I can change my man. But I do believe he can change. Although he has done me wrong in the past, he has learned lessons from his mistakes. To think that everyone in your life will only bring you joy and peace is unrealistic. People make mistakes, people hurt you from time to time. People have flaws. That doesn't mean they don't love you, or that you should leave them. It is more of a challenge to me, to work through issues rather than run from them.
The fact is, I still love this man. I feel he loves me. He didn't do those stupid things because he doesn't love me, it had nothing to do with me. I think he has a flaw that many men share, insecurity. He wanted to make sure he was still wanted or attractive to the opposite sex.
I will exhaust all options before I leave. I'm not giving up. I believe in people sticking together, through thick and thin, for better or WORSE, til death do us part. That is how it is supposed to be... right?
To an extent.
But you know, if you're willing to put up with what he has done with you, that is your choice. I think you are just making excuses for him to justify the fact that you are staying with him, even though 61 people here, plus family and friends, have told you to move on. Maybe we are all seeing something that you are not seeing? Love is blind, isn't it?
You dig your own grave, and if you can make it work and it makes you happy, so be it. I hope we are all wrong, though. Frankly, I wouldn't. I take vows for a reason, but we BOTH took those vows. Not just me taking that vow and holding up my end of the bargain while my husband does inappropriate things. I don't think insecurites are any excuse for wanting to be attractive and getting nakey pics on a phone. Ugh. What's next?
I wish you the best.
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Salsarita, please go to couples counseling or therepy with him so you can work things out. Sometimes it helps where there is a mediator there who doesn't take sides. I'm not sure if I would be able to stay but I understand why you are staying and I respect you for that.
Good luck!
I think for all of us here, we believe in love, we believe in respect, we believe in marriage.
Any by all means, exhaust all options. But saying "to death"....well, that might be a little much for me if a relationship were violent.
I at least here and so happy to support loving, fulfilling realtionships.
I have a relationship motto that I learned from a very wise person...
"he must earn the right to love you everyday, you must earn the right to love him everyday"
If you didn't do pre-marital counseling, maybe you could do it after a little couples counseling.
Salsarita,
You are right, marriage and love isn't always peaches and cream. But, every woman has boundries that she deems unacceptable in her relationship. Your boundries differ from mine, but that doesn't make your situation right or wrong. I was about 15 when my dad cheated on my mom, she stayed, worked it out, and they are still married (I'm 25 now.) Was she wrong in staying? no. Did he cheat again? no. Did he change? yes. This was a one time incident and my mom would of left would it of happend again, she also would of left even if she thought it was happening again. My dad did everything in his power that she would have nothing to question.
When you answered the questions " Is he analyzing the behavior and trying to prevent it from happening again... you respponded I don't really know. I know that I have stopped trying to find ways to make it my fault, and I have analyzed the situation several times." To me, this response is concerning since you have made the decision to stay and work it out, yet he hasn't made any effort to make you feel comfortable? You answered this question focusing on yourself saying "I stopped" " I have analayzed" well what about him?
" Does he feel bad... Yes, I think so." Does he understand how much he's hurt me, is he willing to do anything to make it better... um. no." This is again, concerning. You need to explain to him that you NEED him to prove himself to you, he needs to make you feel comfortable in your decision to stay, and he needs to make you feel that you never have to fear that he will put you in a similar position again. IMO its not a matter of you staying being "the wrong thing to do" its the lack of effort on his behalf to make things work that is so concerning...
You have alot of soul searching to do and I wish you the best of luck in your relationship.
Salsarita-
I realize now that my response may come across as a bit too frank or aggressive. It was not intended at all to come across as that. I would echo ejs4y8's and AnnieAAA's comments. Every woman has to decide to what extent she will put up with the poor decisions her significant other makes. The distance between my line and your line might be miles, but what is important is that we feel comfortable with our decision.
It seems to me that you posted this on this board as a means of seeking outside validation that by staying with your guy you were making the right decision. People gave you very good, poingaint and honest answers, but ultimatley that decision is up to you. You know what is right and wrong.
I would remind you though, what your son sees in your relationship becomes "normal" to him. Would you want your son to treat a woman this way in 20 years?
No woman is an island; but she determines the rules on her own island.
I'm so sorry *hugs!*
But, you don't need his drama. Move on and just care for your baby. It might be hard letting go, but you can't be like this forever!
Follow your heart...
Good Luck!
Salsarita,
he doesn't feel bad about what he did he feels bad that you found out about it. He's still doing the same thing now he is just being more sneaky about it. Even if he didn't have sex with those women he gave them time and attention that belonged to you...thats still cheating.
Re-read what you wrote... pretend you are a mother advising her child in the same situation. what would you tell her? If you were my daugther, I would tell you to move on. Continue to let him be a great father to your child, but find a mate who treats you with the respect you deserve! Best luck!
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Hello everyone! I'm a rookie to the site and posting so please bear with me! :o)
Let me start by saying, I'm a sucker for love and more stubborn than most. I don't give up on people or relationships easily. I understand that we are human, and we make mistakes. However, repeated "mistakes" are harder for me to handle. I have been to hell and back a few times with... lets call him V.
I'm afraid I may be in a relationship that is nearing a dead end, and I have given it my best effort. At least I hope I have...
I have to admit, I had trust issues from day one. I guess I am a bit jaded due to past experienes. (I know, don't judge current relationships on past relationships...) I've had only two major relationships in my lifetime. The first lasted for almost seven years, and this one is going on three years. I'm only 26 people, you can do the math! ;o)
Anyway, I only found things because I was looking... I broke the first rule I suppose. To top it off, I had just given birth to our first child, and my insecurities took front stage. Does anyone else think hormones can make you a bit... psycho? LOL! Anyway, let me list for you the chronological order of my findings:
1) old naughty pictures of ex#1 in his computer and cell phone (this happened right after we moved in together and while I was pregnant... ugh!)
2) voicemail from ex #2 on his cell phone "call me at work.. lost my cell phone" (three months after baby was born)
3) new naughty pics from ex #1 on his cell phone, and the realization that not only was he talking to ex#2 last time, he was talking to ex#1 as well (6 months after last incident, apparently ex#1 was raped, and that's why they were speaking? puh-lease!)
4) a mutual friend of ours called one morning to inform me that his wife was drunk texting my guy, and that V responded to her by letting her know he "can't stop thinking about her." (this was 2 months after the scandalous ex pics)
He insists that is not cheating, and has never cheated. Each time he has lied to my face, and I've had a hard time letting go of the pain. I don't want to use the baby as an excuse to stay. I do however, want my son to have both of us in his life. He is an amazing father. Not sure where to go from here...