Post # 1
Hello ladies, I’ve been lurking for quite a while, but this is my first post. My FI and I have been dating for 9 years and have had many emotional issues. We both have problems with trust and self-esteem. We moved across the country a year ago and things have been better than ever, or so I thought. I recently went on his email (unbeknownst to him) to see if he had any job offers and noticed an email from a casual local-sex hookup site in his inbox. I should’ve just left the computer, but I opened the email to see whether it was spam, and unfortunately it wasn’t. I’m not sure what to do now since confronting him about it would require me to fess up about looking in his email. I created an account on the site to see if I could look at his profile. He has only had it for a week, and doesn’t appear to have done anything since creating it. I’ll be out of town for a few weeks next month and this may be him “shopping around” for a partner while I’m gone.
Our sex life isn’t as active as either of us would like for a variety of reasons (e.g. I’m too busy, he doesn’t initiate because he’s afraid of rejection). We just had a huge blowout about the frequency of sex and came to what I thought was a good conclusion, but then I found this. So I’m not sure if our resolution fixes any issues that may have led him to this site.
I’m at a loss for what I should do. It seems to me that I can either A) confront him tonight about it. The bad thing is I don’t think he’ll admit to anything, but will just blow up about me checking his email. I can also do B) use the profile I made to bait him and see if he responds. or C) feign ignorance and see if he wants an open relationship. While B & C are deceptive, I’m not sure I can trust that whatever he tells me if I confront him is true, so I turn to you ladies for guidance.
Post # 3
Ugh, I feel for you. I had an ex bf who did tons of shady things like this. The feeling when you discover it is just awful. So sorry you are going through this. Honestly, after finding those things multiple times in multiple ways (e.g., snooping in email/computer history, creating fake profiles to bait him) none of them resulted in him changing. Making a fake profile and seeing him physically doing it and trying to meet up with this person (aka me) was the confirmation I needed to leave and move on, since he always made excuses for the other ways I caught him (i.e., I was just looking I didn’t talk to anyone or meet anyone).
Don’t let him make you feel guilty for snooping – he is the one doing something wrong!
Post # 4
- Wedding: August 2012 - Historic Lougheed House
Hmmm. This is a tough one. First, I’m really sorry you’re having marital problems like this.
As for your options:
A) I would probably confront him, and let him know that you DID look, but even though you looked, and that was wrong… what you found was worse. If he does blow up, I would keep bringing it back to the core issue of him looking for outside sex.
B) I probably wouldn’t do that (try to talk to him through the site)… it seems so “Cheaters” style. But, this would give you proof that he is planning to cheat, I suppose. It seems like a double edged sword, though. And its really sneaky on your part, too. (2 wrongs don’t make a right?)
C) You could definitely have this conversation with him. Are you also open to having an open relationship? If that works for your marriage, then so be it.
Above all, I’d just really recommend talking to your husband. Having honest conversations and not attacking him (or else you’re not going to be getting any info out of him).
Do you have the feeling that he isn’t into YOU sexually, or that he just isn’t a sexual person? Are you into him sexually?
What was your resolution about the sexual frequency argument?
Post # 5
Both options 1 and 2 require you to fess up to checking his email, whether it be today or when he responds to your fake ad. Option 3 would only work if you BOTH want an open relationship, if only he wants it and you’re willing to put up with it because it will make him happy, you are going to run into resentment and a whole mess of other issues down the line. You can tell yourself that you’re willing, but lying to yourself only leads to trouble. If the thought of him with another woman makes your blood boil, this is certainly not a good option for you.
SO, back to options 1 and 2. I honestly think that option 1 is the ONLY way to go with this one. Bring it up, ASAP. Don’t be mad (if you’re angry he’ll become defensive before any conversation happens). Is checking his email wrong? Yup. But, it’s already done…it’s not like you can un-know he signed up for this site. He has some explaining to do, and you can’t take ‘No’ for an answer.
In all honesty, what he did (even just casual browsing) is completely disgusting and a violation of trust. He actively signed up for it, which means that at some point he was thinking of using it. If your relationship has any chance of lasting, you both need to discuss this and he needs counseling for this. Immediately.
Post # 6
I am sorry you are going through this. I think the issue is that even if you do confront him (option 1), it is likely that he will vehemently deny it and then turn the entire thing around onto you for not trusting him and snooping. You’ll end up doubting yourself, even though it seems to me that you have some pretty solid evidence that he was at best interested in, if not actively looking to, cheat on you. He wasn’t just browsing after all, he set up an account. From my own personal experience, it is unlikely he will fess up so I kind of think option 1 is pointless UNLESS you plan to leave him regardless of his reaction to the confrontation.
If you feel like you need more evidence, I think the only option you have is to wait and see if you do catch him red-handed. Whether by monitoring the activity on his cheater profile, his emails or some other method. While it is a bit deceptive, I suspect that I would handle the situation this way myself. Mostly because of my own experience confronting an ex about a text message from his 19 year old secretary that read “Good Morning, Baby”. I was told every lie in the book, from him and from her, and my head got so twisted WANTING to believe that it was anything other than what it obviously was. I felt like I was crazy for a while, but I did stick to my guns and kick him out, a month later I found out that they were living together. And as far as I know they are still together. I wasn’t crazy afterall, but I kind of wish I hadn’t confronted him until I had more evidence so that they couldn’t try to make me feel like I was nuts. In the month that followed I DID find his profile on multiple dating sites – with pictures that were taken by ME, so he was obviously actively looking to cheat, as well as evidence that he had taken his secretary with him on a vacation that I was unable to go on with him… So yeah, if I’d have done that sleuthing beforehand I think the confrontation would have been a bit easier for me. I knew after the text message that I was not going to stay with him, but perhaps having the extra information would have kept me from doubting myself for a few miserable weeks.
Post # 7
This is way too tough, I honestly think if this happend to me, he’d no longer be my fiance’….the act of just setting up an account like that would make my skin crawl and as painful as it would be, I couldn’t move forward with getting married.
I understand you guys have had some issues with sex, but IMO, the fact that these have gone unresolved…. that’s even more of a reason to rethink the plan to hang out together forever.
You’d have to help me unders thand what “too busy” for sex actually means, otherwise I tend to think that there’s more than meets the eye. But definetly the issues you had with sex aren’t hopeless, I think counseling and letting out your true feelings could have fixed that, but I think he’s crossed the line already, and don’t know if I’d waste my time sneeking around hopefully prove to myself that he’s an even bigger jerk than he’s aleady proven to be.
I mean, maybe he just opened this account in hopes of seeing some pictures and enjoying them in front of his computer and nothing more, but it still would hurt me too much.
Good luck though, I know you can get through this.
Post # 8
i think you have
To decide how much this info affects you. Does this cause you to want to leave him or is this something you can turn a blind eye to?
If he doesn’t deny it and confesses to it, what would you do?
If he DOES deny it, would you believe him or would you just think that on top of everything that he is also lying?
I think either of these scenarios leads to mistrust and dividing the two of you. I think it would be better to wait it out and “catch” him redhanded then you will know for sure if he was going to follow through on it.
Think hard about this before you confront him. He will definitely turn it back on you for snooping and the convo could get completely derailed. I’m so sorry you are going through this.
Post # 9
I have not read the other responses, but here’s my opinion. Think about if this type of thing is a deal breaker for you. For me, it was and is. I was married to someone that eventually cheated on me, but he started with these kind of things. Adultfriendfinder, match, whatever. Eventually found some of his profiles on the internet, somehow accidentally. He had dating profiles (with an outdated picture from college lol and he was in his mid/late 30s), which stated he was divorced. He had discussions with women on there, and I don’t know what else. I confronted him, he was “sorry” we did marriage counseling. The counselor tried to convince me that he did not actually cheat on me, that it was a symptom of our troubled marriage and lack of communication. Ok yes, that’s fine.
But the fact he could do that, I couldn’t get past. Incidentally, later he had a coworker he swore was just a “friend”. I never proved anything there, but decided I can’t live with that kind of person and divorced him. He married his “friend” less than a year later.
So really think how you feel about his covert actions and if you can live with that. If you can’t, its a lot less painful to cut bait and run now. Trust me on that.
I wish you luck in your decision! *hugs*
Post # 10
To be fair, he has lost all sort of ‘moral high ground’ by using this wedsite!
Yeh you shouldnt have looked through his emails, but there shouldnt have been anything like this to find.
i would ask him about it. by confronting him about it you might have more of a chance of talking through things. i really wouldnt do option A or B, being deceptive is never a good way to try and sort something out.
Sorry, I’ve just read through this and I’m really not trying to influence what you do, but if i were in you’re situation i would definitely confront my partner about it. But thats what kind of person I am and I know that would be the best option for us as a couple to try and work through it.
I hope you can work out what you are going to do.
Post # 11
Wow, thank you everyone for your replies. I think what it ultimately comes down to is I need to figure out what I NEED first. I actually don’t think he’d ever follow through with cheating (too many self-esteem issues) I think he just likes/needs the attention. I agree that this is an egregious abuse of trust though.I think my greatest concern is being caught in that emotional “am I crazy or are you lying cycle” that has been mentioned. So yes, counseling is a must. I’m inclined to wait to see how this progresses, while also getting him/us into counseling. We both have a tendency to be reactionary and get defensive, so I’m not sure how productive the conversation will be if I were to have it right now.
I think neither he nor I are sexually fulfilled, and figuring out why and what we can do about it is of the utmost importance. Yes we’re both attracted to one another, there’s just a lot of emotional baggage getting in the way, and we’ve just started dealing with that. (Note: his signing up for this account was before we started dealing with our issues, and he actually is the one that forced the subject to come to head). Oh and if this weren’t the case I’d be pawning my ring and burning his clothes, lol.
While it may sound like I have my mind made up, I absolutely welcome any other thoughts and opinions. The Bee community is truly amazing for these issues and so much more.
Post # 12
Wow, I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are going through this! Only you know your relationship with this person and what is best. I think if I found my DH in this situation, I would have to bring it up immediately because I’m the type of person who would just be emotional and mean until I came clean about it.
Maybe signing up for this site is what triggered him to realize that that wasn’t the answer, and instead talking to you about your problems was? I tend to believe the best in people (maybe I’m naive) and perhaps this was just him at a low point, although he would never act on it. Keep us updated!
Post # 13
@shybride13: umm you need to confront him about it, he clearly had bad intentions when he created the profile, even if wouldn’t have gone through with it in the end.
I don’t think you should apologize for not walking away when you saw the email—who could really? He sure wouldn’t!
I know it’s an unpopular opinion but I would download a keylogger just to confirm my suspicions so I could be sure how far his transgressions went
Post # 14
@sylvia.riggle: what is a keylogger?
Post # 15
@lilsweetie: Straight from wikipedia: Keystroke logging (often called keylogging or “keyloggers”) is the action of tracking (or logging) the keys struck on a keyboard, typically in a covert manner so that the person using the keyboard is unaware that their actions are being monitored. There are numerous keylogging methods, ranging from hardware and software-based approaches to electromagnetic and acousticanalysis.
A key logger is shady, best option, talk to him right away, don’t do anything that will make matters worse.
Post # 16
Talk to him…the only way to figure anything out is to be open and honest with him.
I’m sorry you are going through this, this is horrible!
(don’t key log…that is a horrible shady way it sounds of tracking him…)