Try to repair broken relationship with SIL or "Forget About It"?

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
1802 posts
Buzzing bee

I think some details actually would have helped in this case since no one really knows what is actually going on besides that she is being passive aggressive, doesn’t follow social etiquette, etc. I think your first reason for not liking her is a bit strange. I honestly don’t notice how people phrase things that they are planning on doing, and I’m sure we’ve all said we are going to do things and then don’t, so maybe you are just being a bit nit picky since she already gets on your nerves? Honestly, it just sounds like you two are so alike that you are just conflicting personalities. Some people get along with others who are just like them, but sometimes similar personalities conflict with each other, and maybe that is the case for you and SIL. 

Post # 4
Member
5267 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

“As I admit, I hate communicating with people (issues stemming from dealing with my stepdad for many years…)”

I would start with dealing with your own admitted issues.  That will very likely help in solving your issues with SIL and BIL.

Post # 5
Member
1802 posts
Buzzing bee

raziel1687:  I think it depends on what she lied to you about and about you. Obviously you don’t have to share what it was, but it really depends on the situation. If it was something like she told people you dye your hair bloshe if that’s your natural color i would think she’s a bit dumb, but I don’t think I’d end things with her. if she told people you cheated on your husband then that’s major. Just examples, so I don’t know your individual situation. 

 

If I were you I’d just keep my distance. I tend to stay as far away from toxic people at least emotionally. It’s impossible for you to be physically away from her permanently, but you can at least pretend to be nice then you have to without sharing things with her or getting into major conversations. since you drive your H to see them maybe when they plan to visit your house plan a day out with friends or plan your hair appt or something for that day. 

I go through the same thing with my FMIL. I just think she is very toxic and emotionally draining. It’s difficult for me to deal with her most days, but I just put on a happy face when we see her. I don’t have any real conversations with her or tell her anything private because she would tell her neighbor, mom, etc. it sucks dealing with people like that, but Im sure your marriage is worth it to you, and hopefully it just becomes second nature to deal with her in a positive way so that when she pulls something next you will look like the better person in the end. 

Post # 6
Member
2055 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

raziel1687:  Your reasons to keep trying to have a relationship with her are the exact reasons you should keep it cordial. That means you don’t go out of your way to spend time with her, but when those meetings happen, you make every effort to be pleasant, not to judge, and be civil for the sake of your husbands. You don’t need to be buddy-buddy with her, even if you have the same hobbies. Keep conversation simple and light. Don’t linger or talk about anything too personal.

You might try opening your heart a little bit. The whole thing about her going to do stuff but never actually doing that? That has NOTHING to do with you. NOTHING. It may irritate you that that is the way she is…but that is the way she is. So why waste energy on that? You know what she’s about in that department, why expect her to keep her promises, to do what she says she will? Just know that is the person you’re dealing with and to expect more, well, that’s your fault. You also counted her as being passive-agressive to a larger degree than you. Are you sure about that? Ease up on her, and yourself, and maybe you can find that middle ground you need.

 

Post # 8
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

I think a bigger problem is that you “don’t like” your brother in law, though this seems to be based solely on the fact that you’ve never talked to him? That confuses me. Why are you spending time with people you don’t like? Does your DH know you don’t like his brother? (That would SO upset me, knowing my FI didn’t like my brother or sister.) Isn’t he upset about that? What does he think?

If it were me, I’d make the effort to repair things, because I would assume that would be really important to my husband. But I wouldn’t hope to achieve much more than a comfortable, arms-length distance. I would not, for example, drive two hours out of my way to pick them up. (For pete’s sake, how do they not have a drivers’ license? So weird.)

And OP, it sounds like your  own communication issues and passive aggressiveness might be something worth talking to a professional about. Difficult communication makes everything 10 times more complicated than they have to be!

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by  prahajess.
Post # 9
Member
588 posts
Busy bee

Based on your first paragraph, it sounds like you really have no choice but to get along with your SIL. You guys all need to be better communicators. In the beach story you told, it sounds like you or your husband needed to check with them before you drove out that plans were still on. Did they even know you were planning on coming out the night before instead of the morning of? Obviously Facebook isn’t an ideal way to let someone know last minute that plans have changed, but you guys should probably have called before driving to their house.

You need to learn to get along with your BIL and SIL if they are going to be in your life longterm, which, it sounds like both you and your husband want. Nothing you have mentioned is so bad as to drive a wedge between the brothers.

Post # 10
Member
5267 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

raziel1687:  You answered that question when you stated how close your DH is to his brother.  So, unless you are ready to deal with the consecuences that “forgetting about them” will eventually have on your relationship with your DH, I would say you should be open to solve those issues, especially when you seem to be part of the problem.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by  Robyn0214.
Post # 11
Member
765 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

My SIL aren’t buddies either but I married my husband and I will keep the peace for his and his family’s sake so I accept her for who she is and try to stay friendly and kind regardless of my personal feelings about her. My door for a relationship for her is always open, even if she never takes it. And any issues I have with her, I let my husband deal with it and although I might vent about it, I don’t dare overstep my bounds.The fact that you should want to keep the peace for your husbands sake should be enough motivation for you to let her behavior slide. She’s just inconsiderate from your description more than truly destructive so I think you are obligated to continue to keep trying, particularly since it doesn’t sound like this is quite that one-sided if you admit to having difficulty with communication.

Post # 12
Member
7279 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

stop trying. you are giving up too much control to her over your emotions. she is flakey,who cares, you know this so adjust your expectations. Keep it respectful, cordial but stop caring whether she speaks in definates or not.

Post # 13
Member
6048 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

IF? You have to repair this.  There is no way around it, it’s your husbands sibling (i know they are twins but the same holds true for anyone that is friends with their sibling). You’re both passive aggressive but you’re acting like a kid, ie. she’s more than I am (wtf?).  

I suggest stop forcing the relationship though.  What I mean by that is you know what her flaws are that bug you, they don’t seem catostrophic, so don’t make plans with her.  Let he rcall you and then before you leave your house call and double check if she’s ready to go do xyz.  

As for your husband does he notice this all or are you on an island all to yourself? This is his family he needs to have a conversation with his brother about this kind of behavior.  

Post # 14
Member
547 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

raziel1687:  My SIL sounds similar, in some ways. Her and I do not get along…at all, and the family has come to accept that we probally will never be much more than SIL by name. <br /><br />After several big blowups, where she was yelling in my face while I literally just sat there asking her what I did, we no longer talk. She ignored us at her wedding (okay actually she posted facebook threats to me saying she would have her girls come after me if I tried to sabbotage anything or wore white), and didn’t come to ours at all or say congratulations.  At family dinners we do not acknowledge eachother, talk to eachoher, or interact with eachother- and I would say that I dont really think it is uncomfortable at all, except for the weddings when individuals outside the situation ask whats going on. It has been this way for two years now, and I dont see anything changing…I have chosen to be the one that cuts all ties as I was personally tired of being emotionally attacked, yelled at, and treated poorly- with the inlaws fully recognizing what was going on and telling me to simply be the better person and sit there. <br /><br />I get along well with my BIL  and when she isn’t around have great conversations with him. When she is around, he doesnt interact with me becuase she will flip out.<br /><br />Needless to say, I don’t think you have to be anything other than SIL by name. Maybe the relationship will mend as you two get to know eachother, maybe it wont. and thats okay. Forcing things won’t make you guys have a better relationship. 

Post # 15
Member
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

This is someone you are going to be forced to interact with on a regular basis for perhaps the rest of your lives. So, yes, if you expect that, then you need to forgive and forget and stay cordial.

Leave a comment


Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors