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I think it's a good mix of both. I am having some of the same issues. People say things without thinking about how it will have an impact on you. I feel as though they aren't putting themselves in my shoes, but some of them have never had a miscarriage so how would they be able to do that anyway.
I think how you are feeling is very normal. One of my closest friends had a miscarriage just before another close friend found out she was pregnant. She experienced the same feelings, only she took it a step further and told this friend that she wasn't to talk about her pregnancy infront of her. This caused a huge rifft in the friendship and was really difficult for everyone. I ended up actually having to take her aside and talk with her -reasure her that her feelings are normal, but her behaviour towards our other friend is not fair. This friend (pregnant)had just as much right to happiness as my friend with the miscarriage did to sadness, anger, frustration ect. I think the fact that you realize that your feelings are normal, but not necessarily healthy in other relationships is a good thing.
I think its totally alright to tell your friend that you're still hurting and its difficult for you to have conversations about her new baby -just from a stand point of reaching out to her. She is obviously excited, scared, and going through alot of things too that she has a right to share, but she should know how you're feeling too.
I am very sorry you've had to go through this, but trust me when I say with time it gets easier.
I agree with MWITTER, it could be a mix of both. If someone has never had a miscarriage, they don't know what it's like or how to react to someone that has had one.
Do your friends (besides your BFF) that are making these statements know that you had a miscarriage? If they do and if they're true friends, then just by letting them know that you're still healing both mentally and physically -- then maybe they'll take an extra second to think before they speak.
Best of Luck!
I'm going to agree here and say that it's an even split. Of course you are sensitive right now, you feel like one big exposed nerve walking around, and things that wouldn't normally hurt do.
People can, by nature be inconsiderate. I sort of think it's apalling what your friend said, but then again I've miscarried a baby. But I'm muchmore inclined to think that she was being thoughtless, rather than hurtful.
The important thing that you have to remember is that it will take time. Like everything else. Maybe it's okay that hurts you right now, it hasn't been that long since you had your D&E. You don't need to immediately be fine with it, you need to hurt, your body and brain need time to process, and eventually you'll start to heal. But you don't need to be so hard on your self and think it's going to happen right away.
Well, it sounds like she was just trying to commiserate, but she really didn't do it very well--I would be upset too if I were you. This is a tough time, and it's ok to have these feelings and to take time for yourself. Even if it means a little break from this person (or other places you know there will be emotional triggers) when you aren't feeling up to it. You're not alone here!
Hugs! When you're grieving the randomest things can make you hurt.
Try not to take what others say as an attack, and realize that you will be sensitive for at least a little while. Let yourself be sensitive. Are you a crier? Let yourself cry, It's ok to be sad and to take time to grieve your loss.
First of all, Please don't hesitate to vent here- as much as you need to! Im sure I can speak for everyone here when I say we care and want to be supportive.
I'm sure you would be the same if any other bee were in need as well.
I agree with PP's that people just don't know what to say sometimes and they don't put themsleves in your shoes. Also understandable you are feeling sensitive! It's a mix of both.
Thanks everyone for your imput. And I have to say that I agree that it is a mix of both. And to clarify...for some reason, it doesn't both me as much when I come across my friends with new babies or children in general. It's more the people who are announcing their pregnancies or when I see pregnant women. And I definitely don't say anything to any of them. They absolutely have the right to be ecstatic that they're having a baby...it just feels like they're everywhere now.
And as for my BFF, I almost feel as if seeing her baby has helped me more. I truly am very happy for her since I know she was worried about her endometriosis and miscarrying as well, and he is one of the cutest babies in town. I just feel like since she is one who knows what's happening to me and had the fear of losing him all through her pregnancy, she might be a little more sensitive to what I'm going through. And I do know that she was trying to commiserate, but it just came out all wrong, and I don't think she realized it.
For the most part, our friends don't know what's going on...and I'm definitely more understanding when they say things b/c how the heck are they supposed to know? It's more the friends who know. One of my husband's friends said to him yesterday, "Yeah...I'm really sorry, but it does happen all the time." Even he was like, "Um...that's true, but it doesn't make it any easier on us."
Anyway, I appreciate everyone's responses...I know I'm overly sensitive to things, but it's also nice to know that I'm not going completely nuts :o)
You need to be honest with people when they say things that sting you. I know you're feeling extra sensitive these days, but if you're thinking about these comments days later, that means they could be possibly festering into resentment, which only makes things feel worse. Right now you need to lean on your friends, and you don't want to feel like things are being said and you just have to take them because you are trying not to be sensitive. You know what, losing a pregnancy is painful, mentally and physically. I know how it goes. How would your husband's friend like it if a close relative died and someone said "Yeah, well, people die every day, it's pretty common." And your friend may have been trying to commiserate about the cramps and bleeding but you're right, she's not comparing apples to apples here.
I hope you can speak up when this happens. You don't have to jump down people's throats, but you can certainly address it in a calm and matter of fact manner. You don't have to be a martyr, or keep quiet because you're afraid it would make other people uncomfortable. You're mourning a loss too, and your friends of all people should be the ones you can be honest with. I wish you well.
I think it's completely normal to feel that way after miscarrying. I think that it helps to communicate how you're feeling (to people you feel comfortable with knowing) and that way they'll be able to be more sensitive toward you and help you get through it.
After I miscarried, I had to go to a one year old's birthday party. It was hard for me to sit there, looking at babies, and there was also a friend who was pregnant. The boys were all outside watching football, so my husband joined them. Normally that would have been fine, but I was so upset. I wanted him there by my side for support. He could tell I was upset and we talked about it, he told me that I had to tell him if I wanted him there b/c he had no other way of knowing, which is true. A month later I helped throw a baby shower for the pregnant friend, and my husband didn't leave my side the whole day.
I have to say, I don't think you are being overly sensitive at all. What you are feeling is perfectly normal for what you are going through. Your loss shouldn't be less real or painful than someone who has carried to term and lost after. It is still your child. And I'm so sorry if my words make this more painful for a time, but my goal here is simply to validate you. I have a friend who miscarried more than six months ago, and it is still hard for her, especially since her sister-in-law got pregnant not long after and there was the fawning going on, and my friend's dream since she was a little girl was to have her own family. Is there a miscarriage support group in your area? Another friend of mine had miscarried about eight times that I know of. She started a group through our local church for parents who have lost children through miscarriage. The people in that group will know just what you both are going through, and they will know how to support and validate you, as well. Praying for you both.
I think your friend is just trying to relate to your physical symptons, not trying to rub salt in your wounds. If it really is bothering you, try honestly and openly communicating with her. Tell her that you are hurting emotionally over the loss, and that it is hard for you to hear comparisons with a successful pregnancy. She probably doesn't know what you are going through/is just trying to say anything, but not sure what the "right" thing is. She can't read your mind to know what the right thing to say is!
I don't think you're being overly sensitive and, you know, even if you were it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. You experienced something painful, and it's not too much to ask of others that they exercise a little extra patience or restraint.
It's important, for your sanity and for the longterm health of your relationships, to tell people when they hit a nerve. Gently pointing out that a comment hurts your feelings isn't you being overly emotional or demanding, it's letting the people who want to help you know how best to do it.
Thanks again for everyone's feedback. I do need to have a talk with my BFF about stuff in general. I told her later on b/c I didn't want to diminish her joy of just having her baby. And I didn't want her to think that she shouldn't bring him around, b/c it really does help having something so happy around.
She just usually has the attitude of, "snap out of it...you're being a baby and you need to get over it" no matter what kind of issue I'm going through. She always sort of had the mentality that no one has it as rough as she does, hence the comparison of our heavy bleeding (sorry if that's TMI). So I need to talk with her and just let her know that this isn't something I'm just going to get over. It's not like I'm having bad period cramps. There are physical and emotional wounds that are healing and I just need to let her know that sometimes her comments aren't as helpful as she thinks they are.
Thanks again for all of your kind words!
Hugs. You are doing great. You have every right to feel grief and be sensitive to it after your loss, and anyone who's not completely tone-deaf would know that a comparison to a live birth would be hurtful. Not that she's a bad person or meant to be hurtful, of course, but just because someone doesn't MEAN to be hurtful doesn't mean that they AREN'T hurtful.
@2PeasinaPod: People are insane with the comments they make. Honestly, I'm surprised that I didn't punch someone after we lost Moose. You're right, she has a kid to show for her bleeding. Comments like that are things people don't think about, but they don't mean to hurt. It's worth saying something to her because you are hurting and, as a friend, she should know how you're feeling. Also, things I said during this time are still held against me like I did something wrong. When I announced Wombat's pregnancy, people were stupid with their comments then too even women who'd miscarried before. Just remember: people say stupid things. No matter what they say, we're here for you.
Thanks ladies. I think I'm just having a rougher day than usual emotionally. Appreciate all of your posts.
Oh boy! I know how you are feeling! It is SO HARD not to feel resentment towards certain people. Three of my friends/family members are pregnant right now. Out of the three, I am genuinely happy for two and can still talk to them about their pregnancies.
But this one pregnant friend just rubs me the wrong way now. She isn't having a baby for the right reasons (her husband wanted a baby, not her, and she is basically doing it to ensure herself access to his money for the rest of her life), and it makes me SO MAD. I haven't spoken to her since I found out about my situation (although she is making it easy right now, because she tends to be a fair weathered friend). But I've told me husband that I don't want anything to do with her right now. I can't talk to her, I can't be around her, etc.
It just makes me so mad that she is having a baby she doesn't really want, and I wanted my baby so bad but had a miscarriage.
I know that my feelings are totally unreasonable, and that at some point I'm going to have to get over it and be nice to her, but for now, I'm just avoiding the situation until I can get my feelings under control.
You're not alone... it is so hard!
I know exactly what you mean. I get hurt and frustrated by some comments that I know were not at all meant to offend then I feel ridiculous for feeling hurt. I think its completely normal.
I actually was about to come on here to vent but also had the same feelings of overkill posting about the same thing...but that IS what this board is for, to get things off of our chests that we cant talk to people in our normal lives.
Ive just been feeling so pathetic and emotional, not so much crying but I get mad or sad or hurt (and i am not a sensitive person) and all my feelings are amplified! Any one else feeling this way?
Also, I feel so awkward when I see my sisters or the few friends that know...Idk why...I dont want to make them uncomfortable by being sad so I just play it off like Im totally over it.
Gah!Im sorry I shouldve started my own post too!
Although unfortunate, its so nice to have people who feel the same way.
I am soo very sorry that your friend was insensitive. I dealt with a lot of that too. People generally mean well but are basically clueless. It is okay to be down. It is ok to grieve. You are supposed to be more sensitive right now. Vent all you need. We are here for you. I'm praying for you constantly.
This is so hard, and I understand how you are feeling on some level. A friend announced her pregnancy last week (she does not know I had a miscarriage). She has the same due date I would have had. I literally almost cried when she told me, then became completely unhinged afterwards and cried basically all afternoon. I was really surprised by how emotional I felt, almost 6 weeks post miscarriage. It was probably 50% just being sad about the miscarriage and then 50% jealously/just being upset that I should be announcing my pregnancy now. I felt a little silly for feeling jealous, but I let myself be upset about it.
People try to be sympathetic and to empathize, and it's fine and wonderful that they do (what else are they supposed to do??) But, the thing is, if you haven't been through a miscarriage, you cannot really understand what someone who has is going through. Period. People have said hurtful things to me without knowing they are hurtful. The worst is "at least you know you can get pregnant!" Well, having a miscarriage is a shitty way to find out, if you ask me.
I think she is being a little insensitive. I never really understood how much a miscarriage can hurt mentally until i had mine. I don't think it's something you ever really get over. It is hard seeing everyone else getting pregnant and having healthy babies. It hurts the most when the due date comes and goes. Just keep your head up and keep trying and hopefully it will happen soon.
I've never been in your situation, and can't imagine how you are feeling. I am sure you are a ball of emotions, and comments like hers don't help. I will say, I am a lot like her (not in the all woe as me, but in the "cheer up and get over it") and I've really had to check myself a couple of times and be more sensitive to people. I now try to put myself in the other person's shoes, and see how I would feel in their situation. I hope that she will be able to see the error of her ways, and help you through this difficult time. ((HUGS))
2Peas: I know how you feel. I had a miscarriage on May 4 and still really struggle with seeing women who are pregnant especially women who are right around where I should be. Some days are better than others. Now we just have to wait for our take home babies which hopefully will be soon. Take care of you.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. My DH and I have been ttc for 9 months...4 months of having af every month and it's really hard for me to hear announcements or to even see a baby. I do think it's a little bit of both. Your friend should have been more sensitive towards you. 3 women on my facebook just had their babies and I can't help but think that I might never hold a baby of my own.
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I'm sorry if my posts are overkill for some of you - it's just one of the only places I can go sometimes to vent my frustrations without looking like a crazy woman to my friends and family. So I'm very sorry if I'm relying on the bee too much for my venting.
I'm having a hard time not being so sensitive to things people are saying to me now, and even just seeing new announcements of pregnant friends. The announcements aren't as bad...they just make me feel sad that it should be me making an announcement of our pregnancy. I think the bigger problem is being sensitive to what people are saying to me.
My BFF knows what's going on, and she actually just had a baby at the end of April. She asked how I was feeling yesterday and if I was having any issues. I said that besides cramping and really heavy bleeding, I was fine physically. She then said, "Yeah, welcome to the club with the heavy bleeding. I've been bleeding for the last 6 weeks."
Yes...yes you have been bleeding for the last 6 weeks. But you also have a beautiful baby boy to show for it, while I will have nothing. Awesome. I know she didn't mean anything by it, but it feels like salt in the wound sometimes. And I'm just not sure how to not let things like that bother me as much as they do. I was down the rest of the day yesterday after I talked to her. Is it me just being overly sensitive or is it her being insensitive?