Post # 1
Okay Ill try to keep this short & sweet…
I am trying to really hard not to bitch about this. I have asked my 6 closest and best friends to be my bridesmaids. We are all younger, and I knew not many of them approved of my marriage (even though I truly know he is the ONE) but still. I have done so much for them I never approved of, but was being a good friend.
They will not plan me a bachelorette party. So I had to plan my own. I wanted to have a lingerie shower, but I feel rude because I cant just invite them to a bachelorette party and ask them to buy me something!
They will not go dress shopping. Only one went with me to find my wedding dress (I invited all of them and they gave me excuses…) and, since I know many are in college I offered to buy their bridesmaid dresses. We are doing a color theme but different dresses as I wanted to make sure they all wore something they feel beautiful in that day. I was going to buy them a dress then take them out to lunch. Every offer I give, the other 5 continue to decline. We need to get their dresses soon since alterations have to take place!!
Two of them are heavily into drinking, and one blatantly told me she would not be attending my wedding if I don’t have alcohol. The wedding is taking place on my parents farm and for legal reasons we cannot have liquor, but I invited them to feel free to drink at the hotel after the reception. Apparently this makes me a bad friend, because i am not catering to their needs.
Honestly, should I dump them as bridesmaids and only have the one who is willing to do anything stand up with me? Im not at all trying to be a brideszilla…but these girls wont do any maids duties, not even the bare minimum!
Post # 3
I think you are right on target. You should drop them as bridesmaids and keep the one who is actually being a good friend. By agreeing to be a bridesmaid they agreed to stand beside you (no matter their personal opinion) and support you – they are not doing that and should therefore be “relieved of their duties”. Best of luck sweetie.
Post # 4
Definitely drop them. They don’t sound like very good friends.
Post # 5
If my closest friends didn’t approve of my FI that would be a huge indicator that maybe something is wrong. Me and my friends love and protect each other and I would value their opinion. I’d have a heart to heart with them all, clearly they are not excited or supportive of your marriage.
Post # 6
@lfranke: I agree. This isn’t just one bridesmaid, it’s several. I know it might suck, but I think you should sit down with them, hear them out & consider why they have reservations about this marriage. I’ve been the ‘bad bridesmaid’ before for a wedding that was a terrible idea. The bride was gung-ho on her FI being the one and a lot of us knew it was just not true. It sucks to have to tell your friend she’s making a mistake, but really that’s what a good friend is–someone who will stand up for your best interests even if you cannot see that at the time (and that engagement was called off shortly after).
If you then really think that their concerns are invalid (how does your family feel about the marriage?), then you might want to ask them to step down if they cannot be there for you.
Post # 7
I would definently drop them
Post # 8
I think you’d be better off with no bridesmaids than the ones you’ve got!
I just know if after all of that, I’d likely feel a tinge of resentment on my wedding day as they bask in their beautiful BM dresses and status, after doing sweet F* all to help you in the lead up, and in fact, made things more difficult for you.
I generally fall into the “once you’ve asked them, you’re stuck with them” camp, but in your case, I’d turf them, and bid good riddance to the friendships in the process. They don’t sound like they bring much to the table anyway.
Post # 9
Just thought: you might want to print off one of those lists of BM duties, and call them up, read them to them, and ask them how they think they’ve performed at them. Then, counter their objections with the facts of the matter, followed by “I hope you understand that given how unwilling you’ve been to fulfill even the smallest expectation for a BM, I’m removing you from the bridal party.”
Post # 10
It’s probably going to be better to not have bridesmaids. Not because of any bachelorette or alcohol nonsense, but because none of them support your marriage. Which is really to me, the bigger issue. Why do none of your friends like this guy? It’s not mass hallucination, so it must be something.
Regardless, if none of them are in support of your marriage, they should not be standing next to you the day of the wedding anyway. It’s fake. Even if you love your friend, it’s still fake to pretend you support the relationship if you don’t.
Post # 11
@SeaSalt: That’s a majorly passive aggressive move. It’s not a job she’s firing someone from, these are supposed to be friends. Not employees.
Post # 12
I want to agree with @lfranke, but if they’re truly your best friends, instead of being bitchy, they should TALK TO YOU instead of refusing to actually be bridesmaids. Since you said that you’re all young, I can’t decide whether they’re trying to be difficult because they don’t like your FI and don’t want you to marry him, or if they’re being young and bratty.
Honestly, before you make any decisions about keeping them around, I would sit down and talk to them and find out what the hell is going on. I would TRY to do it as a group, but I’m not sure they’ll agree to do that, if they can’t even be bothered to go dress shopping, so you might have to do it individually. Stay calm and try to get to the problem. This could easily devolve into screaming and ruined friendships.
Like other said, if FIVE of them don’t like your FI, you might want to listen to them. My friends hated my Ex, and they were absolutely right. Looking back, I wish they’d been more adamant about their feelings.
Post # 13
@KatyElle: It’s hardly passive-aggressive when she’s being direct with them. The fact is, even if you’re not getting paid, there are responsibilities to being a bridesmaid. These girls have not lived up to any of them, and in fact, some of them have made her wedding harder. They should ba called on it.
Regardless of how she boots them from the wedding party, the friendship will likely end over it.
Post # 14
@SeaSalt: Of course it’s passive aggressive. It’s setting things up like a performance review at an office. “Please describe in 3 or more ways how your job expectations match your current performance…” I’m sorry, that is ridiculous and if someone approached me in that manner I would laugh about it for weeks on end.
Post # 15
@navywifenmoore: It seems like there is more going on here. When ALL of the bridesmaids refuse to be an integral part of the wedding planning process, it seems like a red flag of bigger problems. Is there a reason that none of them support your marriage?
Post # 16
@KatyElle: I think you are confusing who in the OP is showing passive-aggressive behaviour.
Passive aggressive behaviour takes many forms but can generally be described as a non-verbal aggression that manifests in negative behavior. It is where you are angry with someone but do not or cannot tell them. Instead of communicating honestly when you feel upset, annoyed, irritated or disappointed you may instead bottle the feelings up, shut off verbally, give angry looks, make obvious changes in behaviour, be obstructive, sulky or put up a stone wall. It may also involve indirectly resisting requests from others by evading or creating confusion around the issue. Not going along with things. It can either be covert (concealed and hidden) or overt (blatant and obvious).
A passive aggressive might not always show that they are angry or resentful. They might appear in agreement, polite, friendly, down-to-earth, kind and well-meaning. However, underneath there may be manipulation going on – hence the term “Passive-Aggressive”.