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That's a tough one... I didn't ask my parents to contribute, although they gave us money at the rehearsal dinner (cash, the best wedding present of all!).
I think part of it depends on your age too... I was 31, so it seemed reasonable that I contribute a lot/most of it. But if I were younger, I'd have had to ask for help... it's tough!
Is it possible to do the wedding in such a way that you don't have to ask your father for money? But that if he does contribute, you can add upgrades later in the process?
Unfortunately I don't think there's anything you can do about your dad's tendency to flake out on his money promises. I think you should keep that in the back of your mind, and be prepared that if he does not give you the money that he offered, that you will be able to cover that amount from another source.
As far as bringing it up, I think it's best to approach the subject by not making it sound like it is his duty to give you money for your wedding. It's not really required that anyone give you money towards it. I also wouldn't start with asking for a specific amount or percentage of the price (1/3). I would tell him that you are trying to get an idea of your wedding budget and want to know if he'd be willing to contribute anything, and if so, that you would really appreciate it. See where it goes from there.
I think it is important to keep in mind that no one is responsible to pay for your wedding except you and your FI.
You said that you think it is fair but he may not!
I personally did not ask anyone to contribute but everyone offered soon after we were engaged. I wouldn't feel comfortable asking but that is just me!
Good luck I hope that you find a way to do it that you are comfortable with!
For me I asked my dad if he could contribute. He looked at me like I was crazy and said of course he was planning on helping out as much as he could. It was extremely nerve racking. Not because I was afraid he would say no, we are still paying for the majority, but because I hate asking for anything.
I hate to say it, but from the history you've described with your half-sisters and how he responded to them, I don't see it being any different with you. Honestly, I wouldn't even bother asking him for money. I think you're better off lowering your budget, taking on some DIY projects, etc. then going through this whole nightmare of trying to squeeze money out of your dad again. You've said that in the past much of the negative feelings you've had toward him were because of money but that since that's no longer an issue, your relationship has been a little better. I'd just let it go and accept the fact that he's not going to help you financially - at least without causing a lot of stress and bringing back those negative feelings you've tried so hard to get past.
I would just not ask him and have a lower budget. you already have seen what can happen - just avoid it. The best gift of all = no drama. Maybe they will be inclined to give you a gift, like Mr Bee said.
If you ask him for the money are you planning on including him in the decisions being made for the wedding? People generally don't like to just give away thousands of dollars. They like to see where it is going and how it is used. So even if you do ask him and get the money, make sure you are prepared for any strings he may attach.
If you're sick to your stomach over it already, then maybe that extra money isn't worth it.
I agree with the other bees. It's not really his responsibility...when caring for you WAS his responsibility he grudgingly did it then. I wouldn't even want the hassle. Let those who are willing to help do so...and don't worry about dear old dad. I don't even know if I would want a father like that walking me down the aisle.
I agree, invite him to the wedding, and just forget about him contributing, it really doesn't sound like its worth the stress
I wouldn't ask him. It doesn't sound like it's worth the stress, nor does it sound like you two have a good relationship.
I would feel weird asking for money from someone who I don't have a good relationship with, and I doubt his wife will want to give up some money, too. Even if they are loaded, it's the principal of the matter I guess.
I don't think it's "fair" for everyone to split 3-ways if there isn't a healthy background anyways...I think you'll have to make do on a lower budget
Instead of coming right up and asking for X amount of money, why don't you find a way to let him know you're getting married, you're doing the budget, and you were wondering if he and your stepmom were going to contribute to any aspects of it.
If not...well, leave them off the invitation? =]
Interesting to see the different responses. I thought about not asking at all, but I figure if I don't ask, I definitely won't get anything. Tulip, I think your advice for approaching it sounds good.
If necessary, my fiance and I can pay for the whole thing - after the situation with my sister, I wouldn't build his money into the budget without it actually in my hand.
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So this is kind of long, but I could use some advice.
A little background: my dad and I have not always had the greatest relationship. He and my mom had a nasty divorce when I was very young, and while he has always been a presence in my life, he's been very much in the background. We fought quite a bit when I was in high school, but at this point our relationship has mellowed. We see each other for dinner every few months, and that's pretty much it.
Part of why our relationship is better now is money. Now that his financial obligation to me is over and there's no reason for him to be in contact with my mom, a lot of the tension there has eased - also, I'm pretty sure his wife really, really resented the fact that he had to support me when I was a child, and that's gone now. I spent a long time letting go of my own resentment and anger towards them both, and now we're just friendly. I know I can't depend on him for anything, and he's not really a father figure to me (fortunately, I have a wonderful stepdad) but I don't want to have regrets after he's gone.
But now I'm getting married... and the money issue is back. Every fight we've had has been about money and his unwillingness to support me (and I'm not talking anything excessive... I mean his not paying child support, flaking out on tuition payments, etc). I'm going to ask him to pay for a third of the wedding, so that it's divided between him, my mom & stepdad, and me and my fiance (my fiance's family isn't really in a position to contribute). I think it's fair--- but the thought of asking him is making me sick to my stomach. I just don't want to get in another awful fight with him. Even worse, I don't want him to promise me money and then not give it to me (he did this to my older half-sister), or promise me money and then have to have it dragged out of him (he did that one to my other half-sister). I'm scared to ask him, which is hard to admit. I'm also hurt that I've been engaged for over a month and he hasn't called me once, hasn't shown any interest in the wedding... nothing. It doesn't exactly bode well for him wanting to help pay for it, but I'm also hurt that he just doesn't seem to care.
The kicker is that he can afford it. He's always made a lot of money, and spoils the kids he has with his wife. And apparently, I'm not quite as over it as I'd like to be :)
So, hive, am I being reasonable? Any suggestions on how to approach this?