- 5 years ago
- Wedding: June 2014
Some of you have read my story on here. Long story short SO had (may still have, he hasn’t proposed yet) commitment issues, went back and forth on our future, we went to counseling to try and work it out-he wouldn’t budge and I left. We were broken up, I was living at my mom’s house and attended my best friends b-day (that just happened to be planned for the bar where SO and I first met) when I ran into him and just about had a heart attack. I avoided him as much as possible and tried not to cry. The next day he called me non-stop until I answered and begged my forgiveness for all his nonsense and told me he wanted to marry me, have a future, and family with me. We ended up back together, much to the dismay of many family members.
That was exactly one year ago. As I type now-exactly a year ago I was deliriously packing my things into garbage bags, throwing everything I owned into my car. Driving down the road crying so loudly I couldn’t hear anything else. The pain was worse than anything I have ever experienced in my life.
It is strange to reflect on those moments and to see myself now still with my SO, but still ringless. I do think he is pushing it as far as the proposal, and it being the anniversary of our breakup makes it harder to wait gracefully and not get emotional.
Much of what was destroyed by the breakup experience has been healed, but there is that final missing piece. I don’t even think I will be able to fully put all of his hesitation behind us completely until we are married. So to not be even engaged yet when it has been a year since he made SOOOO many promises he has yet to even start following through on, really has made me start to question things. To give some perspective we have been together 4 years and 3 months, I am 26 and he is 31. We are both financially stable and have lived together for 3 years.
Of course he doesn’t know all of the worries in my head at the moment. I have tried to keep as much from him as possible because he has made it clear to me that he is “working on” getting a ring and proposing to me. He said it will be within 2013 and “not late 2013”. Though I have not seen any signs of a proposal any time soon, and it is hard to be patient when so much of our history and old wounds are tied up in this gesture.
Oh lord, I just want the gesture. I just want the marriage, I don’t even care about a ring or wedding at this point. I just want to feel secure and settled with him, and to really believe he wants marriage and kids with me. Its so hard to just have faith in him that he will follow through when he turned my life upsidedown with his foolish behavior just one year ago.
Could he have really grown that much since then to finally do what he has been avoiding for so long? His actions do show growth over this past year, he used to not be able to even talk about the future let alone a guest list, or potential location for a wedding, or rings…
He just hasn’t pulled the trigger yet, and I know him well enough to know he’s a dreamer. He could have been just “thinking out loud” as he did years ago. I just love him with all my heart, he makes me laugh everyday, he holds me and kisses me all the time, he washes the dishes and helps with dinner, he takes me to nice restaurants and is always a gentleman (holds the door, pays etc.), he is protective of me without being controlling, he loves my family and treats them like his own, my family adore him (but some are still skeptical that he will give me what I want/deserve), he listens to me, and we talk all the time, he supports me in my career and has been so overjoyed for me in my success he cried with me, he also cried with me when I was struggling with being around my ex step-dad (who abused me) at my little sisters baby shower-he talked me through it and found a way to be rude to him but classy all at the same time.
He is the love of my life, I know in my heart we are meant to be-there is just too much there between us for it not to be right. I just want it to happen for us so badly. It will be so emotional for my family, they will be so happy. I will be overjoyed. I want that!
Any advice for getting through this?