Post # 1
I am an occasional poster/longtime lurker and hope that you wonderful ladies can give me some advice!
My younger sister (25) is engaged and is planning her wedding for summer of 2015. Her FI is…OK. They have been together 3 years and our family thinks he is kind of self absorbed and maybe a little controlling. He seems to really love my sister though so we don’t say anything. I am her MOH and am trying to help her plan this fairly lavish wedding in San Diego. I am recently married (6 months) so wedding planning is still fresh in my mind. I try to temper wedding planning advice with letting her do her own thing. The issue though is that she doesn’t seem to realize that a marriage is what happens after the wedding. I don’t want to come across as “high and mighty” but how can I help her realize that the wedding is one day and the marriage is what comes next. Its just with the couple slight red flags I’ve seen with her FI, I want to make sure that she doesn’t lose sight of the reason behind the wedding. She has told me that her FI would not do pre-marital counseling. I don’t necessarily think they have serious problems but I know how much any healthy couple even could benefit from counseling.
So bottom line…is there anything non-confrontational I can say to remind her to think about the marriage just as much as she thinks about the wedding or do I just need to mind my own business!
Post # 3
I would stay out of it.
She seems happy.. and she’s well old enough to make her own choices. If you remember anything about wedding planning, I’m sure you remember getting wrapped up in all of the chaos that is the wedding. It’s really a storm of wonder and worry.
As for counseling.. unless your religion requires you to take it, I’ve never seen it as a NEED for [our] relationship personally – maybe your sister feels they don’t need it as well.
Post # 4
There is no way to say this nicely. I am going through something very similar with a friend. She and her FI have some relationship and wants differences that I really would like to see them work out, but they aren’t interested… And it’s none of my buisness. The only thing that I do is talk about how well our pre-marital counciling is going. If this sparks interest, so be it. If it doesn’t, well, I can’t tell two adult people what to do.
Post # 5
@NowMrsS: I think you should stay out of it. If you want to be suportive then be a shoulder to cry on if things get rough but don’t criticize her relationship. I’m sure there are some legitimate problems in the relationship but really it’s none of your business unless your sister comes to you for help. I know it’s hard to stand by but your sister probably wouldn’t appreciate your advice, and being supportive means accepting choices you don’t agree with because they make your sister happy.
Post # 6
It’s none of your business.
She hasn’t asked you for advice stay out of it.
Post # 7
Thanks ladies…I figured it is pretty much a “stay out of it situation” which I definitely will. She is old enough to make her own decisions and I will be there if she needs it!
Post # 8
@NowMrsS: I don’t know too many sisters who would appreciate advice about their future marriage.
Post # 9
If you have major concerns about their relationship, you should tell her. If you don’t have major concerns, don’t say much, if anything, about your worries.
For example, if you think he may become abusive or neglectful, you may want to say something. She could throw that valid concern back in your face and it could cause problems, but if you really think something bad like abuse or neglect may occur it may be worth the trouble to tell her. She may not accept the warning, but at least you told her. If it does occur, she can’t say she wasn’t warned.
If she thinks she’s mature enough to get married, then she’s mature enough to deal with the consequences. She and her soon-to-be husband are the people who need to manage the relationship. Nobody else can really do that.
Give her advice if she asks, warn her when it’s really necessary, but stay out of it otherwise. If there are problems, they are her and her husband’s problems to deal with, not yours or anyone else’s.
Post # 10
I think you’re in a tough situation. As a sister it’s your job to protect her from making hurtful decisions, but telling her your feelings could come back around and bit you on the butt. I would dance around the topic and see how she repsonds. I think it depends on the type of relationship you two have. If you talk about this stuff all the time, then I see no reason to worry, but if you do not think she will receive it well the definitely tread carfefully and air on the side of caution. Either way, good luck…