(Closed) Trying to be happy for a newly engaged friend; feeling very ugly on the inside.

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
3357 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

It makes me feel like he isn’t sure about whether or not he really wants to spend the rest of his life with me (after nearly 6 years of knowing one another, 5 years of dating, and 3 years of exclusively being in a relationship)…even though: he says that he does, we talk about marriage and having children, and he made the committment in asking me to move here. Why do I feel this way?

You feel this way because you are consumed by jealousy right now. Please don’t let this person’s engagement damage your relationship due to comparison. Your relationship is yours.

Post # 5
Member
314 posts
Helper bee

@nerdybee:  Have you had the talk with him about marriage? What about a timeline? There has to be SOME kind of glimmer of hope for the two of you!

Don’t feel so down! People are going to get engaged, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it but be happy for them. If you won’t, someone else will. And guess what? When you get engaged, you’ll want others to be happy for you. AND YES there will be some chick secretly ranting and raving on here or another site about it. But the fact of the matter is: When it happens, it happens. It may not be your time but if its meant, it will. 🙂

Post # 6
Member
314 posts
Helper bee

I went back and read a few of your posts, and from what I understand:

You are 24. Your SO wants you to wait until you’re done with school. You haven’t set a timeline with him. You guys have financial issues, and you have emotional work to be done. Finally, you post here often to let go of some of your emotional stress.

May I ask why being married at this point in your life means so much to you? Or even being engaged? Do you believe that your desires will all be met with the guarantee of marriage? Or do you just feel kinda left behind? Please share. I think its good you come here to express yourself. You chose a great place. 🙂 

Post # 8
Member
314 posts
Helper bee

@nerdybee:  Wait….You aren’t even in a committed relationship with him, but you are talking marriage?? May I ask why? 

Post # 11
Member
314 posts
Helper bee

Have you asked him WHY he feels this way? Perhaps there’s something personal that’s holding him back. I would try to look at every angle of your relationship in a positive light. That way, when you approach him, he will be more open to discussing things and you won’t seem confrontational.

I feel like, (this is just me) if a man didn’t want to discuss that with me, then he has no plans to be included in my dreams. You moved away to be with this man. You have uncertainty that you seem to be fighting with yourself about him. And, you’ve already compromised your dreams of schooling in a way for this man. When is he going to make sacrifices FOR YOU? You have done a lot for him and you two aren’t even engaged. Its time for you to be honest with yourself. Do you want to look up in five years, and he still be telling you he isn’t ready and brushing you off about a timeline, or would you rather have had accomplished more for yourself in five years, and possibly be married with kids and making your dreams happen with someone who is at least WILLING to help you achieve them? This is a wake up call. 

Post # 13
Member
242 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@nerdybee:  I know how you feel from two perspectives. First, my SO’s brother just got engaged in December and I have been nonstop jealous of his FI even though we are ring shopping ourselves. I feel like she is 10 years younger, has had everything *I* ever wanted handed to her with no struggle or suffering, and is now about to have a massive wedding on her parents’ dime. It just seems so unfair. Rational feelings? No. Real feelings? Oh yes! But I read somewhere around here that you have to stop thinking about engagements like there is one little jar of them and when another girl gets engaged she’s taken the ring that might have been yours out of the jar. That’s not how it works.

 

I’ve also been in your position when I was around your age, following a man around the world (I took a year off from school and moved to England!) and then expecting him to propose. I don’t know your relationship, BUT I can tell you now things I did NOT see at the time in mine. I figured if a guy was letting me move to a different country for him, then it meant he was super seriously committed to me. In reality, HE was not the one giving up anything. I was the one getting visas and plane tickets and uprooting my life. He was just happy to let me because it cost him absolutely nothing. It took me like 10 years of crappy dating experiences to learn how to take a man at his word and look for someone who DOES want to marry me, rather than someone who SHOULD want to marry me but doesn’t.

 

I don’t know your personal situation, but that’s just what it made me think of. If I were you, I would NOT put any aspect of your life on hold for a man who hasn’t made a clear committment you. It’s easy not to notice when you’re still in school, but like for instance if I were you, if he hasn’t proposed, I wouldn’t limit your job search to where he is when you’re about to graduate. If he doesn’t try to stop you from looking at jobs in New York or Singapore, that is helpful information that will allow you to make your own choices.

Post # 15
Member
917 posts
Busy bee

@nerdybee:  I feel for you in this situation, however if he doesn’t see you two getting engaged anytime soon, why not try for ANY job you can get and be long distance for a little while. Long distance might make him realise how much he needs you in his life and push him to that next stage, without you actually saying it to him. I know it’s a tough thing to do, and somewhat of a gamble, but you have to look after your future and your career too, not just his. Best of luck. 

Post # 16
Member
1805 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

oh no, im sorry to hear that. when i was engaged last year, i had a friend make under handed comments about the engagement, saying she was irritated that i was engaged at around a year, but her bf still had no intention of getting engaged. unfortunately the friendship ended because of all the nastiness, but get this… HE DID PROPOSE! 

just wait it out because you’re feeling down right now, so don’t have a convo with the bf about it while youre feeling negative! let it calm down and then let him know that you feel like you have put in so much time and that you want to have a time line.. do and say what feels right!

i hope you realize that you deserve to be happy and loved. if you think that is your bf then great but if youre not sure, dont worry your soul mate is out there!

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