Post # 1
Originally we planned on not having any attendants…then we changed our minds and decided just to have a MOH and BM…my only sister and his only brother. 1 and 1 and done. So….I asked my sister to be my MOH months ago and my FI was supposed to ask his brother to be his best man but never did…Now he is saying that he changed his mind and doesn’t want his brother to be his best man for a couple of reasons. #1 he says that he doesn’t want to because he thinks his brother doesn’t care if he is in the wedding or not and thinks it is a burden to ask people, FI doesn’t want to buy his suit and his brother can’t afford to pay for the suit himself. #2 He is also very unreliable (I agree with this statement, you can’t really trust him with anything majorly important for fear that he will not come through for you – he is 29 FYI). I told my FI that all of these issues are trivial and that years from now he might regret not having his only brother up there on his wedding day. Just buy him the damn suit and ask him to stand up there…he doesn’t have to do anything else besides take some pics. I also think the brother might have mentioned something to his father about not being included in the wedding but that is just heresay right now…
What do you think? We are running on seriously short time, so if he is going to ask him, he has to ask him like….NOW! What do you think? Should I push this topic or just let it go?
Post # 2
I think you made your case, and if he doesn’t want to ask him then that’s his choice. He’ll have to live with it
Post # 3
How the heck do I add a poll?
Post # 4
He should ask his brother. The reasons he cites are trivial and can be easily fixed. Trust me, hurt feelings in the family are not worth it.
Post # 5
I’m a similar situation with FI and his brother. I don’t think you really can do any further convincing at this point. You have to trust your FI to make the right call. It’s not the end of the world if he’s not the best man – he is still going to be at the wedding and in family pics. On the other side of that debate, my dad begrudgingly made his brother the best man at his wedding way back in the day. Due to various family events and issues, they are not on speaking terms right now and probably never will be again. Being a best man doesn’t guarantee a better relationship with the groom or family down the road.
Post # 6
He could ask his brother, and his brother could disappoint him. It sounds like your DH simply doesn’t want to set himself up for that. I wouldn’t push the issue, because you would then be responsible for that… Especially since your DH is so adamant.
I didn’t want a big, local wedding and wanted a small destination wedding. I also did not want BMs. DH insisted that I would regret both, so I caved and had a big, local wedding with bridesmaids. I knew it would be added stress that I didn’t want/need, that people would inevitably disappoint me, etc. And, to me, I didn’t feel like any of those things had a place in the start of our marriage. Don’t’ get me wrong, it was a beautiful day. However, I really (and probably will always) regret not going with my gut on both. And now, in retrospect, DH agrees.
I guess my point is, your DH knows best in this situation. I’d gently give him my opinion once or twice and leave it at that. He shouldn’t feel obligated to include someone in his wedding.
Post # 7
I think your DH knows HIS relationship with his sibling best. So I would just let it be.
Post # 8
We’re in a similar situation, but reverse. We’ve agreed on three each. I have already asked my MOH, but don’t know who the other two will be. My FI is pushing me to ask my sister (my only sister), and at first I was like “eh…maybe”. But, the more I thought about it the less I liked the idea. We aren’t close, we don’t really get along, and I think it will make the next few months of my life super uncomfortable…not to mention my wedding day. All of this is to say, that maybe you’re not seeing the whole picture. I know my FI doesn’t understand why I don’t want to ask my sister, but he hasn’t known her for her entire life the way I have. It’s hard to explain, but sometimes siblings just aren’t as close as other siblings are.
Post # 9
Lily_of_the_valley: Does he have someone else in mind? If he’s closer to a friend than his brother, I don’t see why he has to ask his brother. He might regret it, but he also really might not. Unless it hurts his brother’s feelings, I don’t see what the big deal is. I don’t know how much sleep is lost 5, 10, 25 years later about who their best man was.
Post # 10
Lily_of_the_valley: My husband asked his brother to be is best man – they were 22.5 and 19.5, at the time (and knowing their opinionated mother, she probably said something like “of course your brother …). They were never each other’s best friends growing up, and when my husband left for college, they drifted further apart. In hindsight, it was stupid. Fast forward to when the brother finally married (at age 31) and my husband wasn’t even asked to be a member of the bridal party. It really hurt him and I don’t think the rift will ever heal. Let your future husband make the decision; he knows him better than you.
Post # 11
Lily_of_the_valley: At least where I live (Australia) it is quite common to have a brother and have someone else as best man. Even though a bride almost always has a sister (if she has one) as MOH. I think being in a wedding is just less important for guys.
Post # 12
Such good points! I’m trying not to push the subject but FI just keeps saying, “I’ll decide later”. We don’t have a later!
Post # 13
Lily_of_the_valley: My FI didn’t want his brother to be his BM either but I knew his meddling mother would never go for that so I picked a MOH and matron of honor so he could have his brother and then his best friend (who he really wanted to be his BM) could be co-BM
Post # 14
You’re worried that your fiancée might regret not having his brother standing at the altar with him, but what if your fiancée makes his brother the best man, even though he doesn’t want to, and ends up regretting that? Under all those “trivial” reasons, which really aren’t that trivial, it sounds like he’s really saying “I just don’t want him to be my best man.”
Like BklynBrideToBe said, your fiancée knows his relationship with his sibling best. Let him make the decision.
Since the decision has to be made soon, try to make it clear to him that he can choose what he really wants; that if he doesn’t want this brother as his best man, it’s ok.
At the end of the day, there’s no reason for him to have someone standing next to him at the alter that he doesn’t want to to be there. This is his wedding, too; he shouldn’t have to do that.
Post # 15
UPDATE: we not have a best man! He asked him yesterday and we rented his suit and are bringing it with us to Mexico! All he has to to is show up and put on the suit! So relieved! His brother was happy to be asked and said “Thanks man, it means a lot” 🙂