Post # 1
Just so you understand my status, I’m not yet engaged. We have been together 4 years, he has the ring, but has a date in mind that I do not know about so I’m still waiting. We are very open about our future wedding, how it should be, what we both want etc.
I know we have tons of time ahead of us to plan the details, but I want to elope and SO wants a mid-size wedding. I am extremely shy and have high levels of anxiety, even with friends and family at times. I want to get married, I just don’t want the wedding.
The only fights we’ve been in lately is about eloping. I have a list of reasons as to why I don’t want a wedding not just my anxiety, but were not meeting eye to eye on this. We even tried talking about compromises but we both want two different things and can’t agree on a happy medium.
My question is, at what point does someone give in? I hate to say it but one of us is not going to get what we wanted which is a shame because it’s OUR day and we can’t seem to come together on this. How can you compromise, when the compromise is still too much? Were trying to hammer out some details now so that were still not fighting about this during our engagement.
Post # 3
This is totally just my opinion and feel free to dissagree. Wedding Ceremonys are not actually put on for the bride and groom. To get married all you really NEED is a bride, a groom, a couple of close friends to witness, and a judge. done.
Weddings are put on for the family.
That being said. What do you parents think about the whole eloping thing? Would his grandparents be crushed not to be there? I know that none of these things should matter but lets face it, they do. My DH and I did a little tiny little civil ceremony at the court house with just us and some close friends. It was perfect for us, but we knew that our famlies want to be involved so this august we are going to do a ‘wedding’ which involves nothing more than a giant picnic for our friends and famlies, I will wear a pretty dress, and we will dance around. thats it. It is still a ‘wedding’ and famiyl friends will be included, but all of the stress and anxiety is overwith becuase we are allready married. heck i probably don’t even have to say more than ‘I do” in the ceremony if I want it that way.
there are always ways to compromise. best of luck.
Post # 4
Can you compromise and do a DW for close family only?
Post # 5
what about eloping but after you come home you have a party reception?
Post # 6
He has ZERO family here. All his family is spread out across the world and only his Mother could come. He wants to have a party. He wants to show our friends a good time, with the DJ, cake and everything. I want none of it. My parents are on board with a small DW wedding or even an elopement with noone there. We are super close, but because they raised me they understand my anxiety issues and sympathize. Plus they understand my other reasons. My family is on board, SO is not. His arguement is that it’s our one and only wedding, so why not enjoy it? I would not enjoy it, I’m terrified just thinking about it. A large or mid size, or even smallish wedding is just not for me.
Post # 7
@Future_Ms.Bostonceltics: Totally not related but are you watching the game right now? Ugh….
Post # 8
@MapleMoose: I can’t even watch, unbelieveable. It’s been a depressing season for our boys 🙁
Post # 9
I would recommend a destination wedding. We did NOT want a giant party but would still like our closest family and friends there. Our guest list is about 30.
Can you BOTH compromise? Having a very intimate affair vs eloping/giant party?
Post # 10
I’m going through your situation on a less drastic scale. I wanted a small wedding, he wanted to invite the whole dang county. We sorta compromised. We’re having what I’d consider a semi-DW that was supposed to be smaller, but really has a 200 person guest list, and a later reception with a guest list of over 400. Just thinking about it makes me want to puke. I guess ultimately I just gave in, because he feels that all of these people had an important role in his life to this point, and he can’t imagine not inviting them to this.
It sounds like one or the other of you is going to have to reassess what you’ll be happy with for a wedding.
Post # 11
@Future_Ms.Bostonceltics: I can relate, as I too am shy and deal with anxiety. My FH and I started planning our wedding not long after we got engaged at the end of last summer. I wanted to elope because the thought of all eyes on “THE bride!” on the wedding day scares the living daylights out of me, even if we’d be surrounded by family and friends. Also, I would rather we save the wedding money for the down payment on our future home.
My FH wanted more than an elopement. He too had the argument that it’s our only wedding, so he wanted a party/celebration. I agree with globalmargaret, that “weddings are put on for the family.” Eventually we compromised and this is why we agreed to move forward with having a wedding. It would be one of the few times, possibly only, that our families would all be together for us.. on “our special day.” It’s relatively small (100 guests) so I figure I can suck it up and try to be social for a few hours. We are not doing a lot of the typical wedding things: no engagement party, no bridal shower, no bouquet/garter toss, no bridal party, and no cake. We’re trying to do this as low key and casual as we can, while having fun – basically it’s going to be a brunch where we happen to get married.
If your SO has zero family in the area and only his mother would be able to attend, it sounds like… he just wants to throw a party? He can have all of that with a small wedding, or even a destination wedding. Actually, a destination wedding seems to be the happy medium. It would weed out a lot of ppeople and (hopefully) keep the guest list small enough that the people who would be there would really want to be there, and hopefully you would be okay with their presence. And with a destination wedding, your SO would have the opportunity to party with the people who made the effort to be there for the both of you.
Have you two sat down to list the pros and cons of your wedding options?
Post # 12
@jara: I’ve suggested a destination wedding, because I figured so many people wouldn’t be able to make it, but he wants everyone there which is why he wants the real wedding.
We talked more about it today and I asked him to think about all the reasons he wants a wedding. Were going to compare our list and go from there. I know we’ll eventually find a happy medium, it’s just been frustrating up to this point.
Thanks for all the feedback!!