(Closed) Trying to cut down the guest list, am I being unreasonable?

posted 4 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
9558 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2018

You’re not being unreasonable, she is. If she wants more people (after checkitho with you if she can invite them) SHE should pay! No pay, no say.

Post # 4
Member
100 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Since you are paying for it, in my opinion you should be able to invite (or in this case, NOT invite) anyone you like. You will just have to gently but firmly explain that while you would love for everyone to be there, the limitations of your budget means that it would be impossible for this to happen. 

Post # 5
Member
805 posts
Busy bee

If you’re paying, it’s your guestlist. Tell her she can pay for them if she wants them there – that’ll shut her up!

Post # 6
Member
4499 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@cece_intheuk:  +1.

We’re having a small wedding with only 40-50 guests so I totally understand the stress of narrowing down a guestlist. We are only inviting family members who we have seen or spoken to within the past year. Honestly if we never talk to the person I don’t know why they would even care to come to our wedding.

In regard to the kids I think that if you invite some family children then you should invite them all. For ours we extended invites to children within the family, but not for all children – so friends, coworkers, etc won’t be bringing their kids.

I would just flat out tell your FMIL that you simply cannot afford to invite more people. Period. If she is insistent then she will have to pitch in.

Post # 7
Member
299 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I agree with everyone else. Your money = your guest list. if she wants to contribute toward the reception by paying for those guests, have at it. Don’t you love that when it comes to your wedding everyone else has no problem spending your money but when it comes to their money….

Post # 8
Hostess
7568 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

Those who pay dictate the guest list. I would set a standard – like no cousins or no children under 16 – and stick to it. 

Post # 9
Member
58 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

hey!

 

I feel you – im in your shoes. kinda.

 

First of all I have never wanted big wedding – maximum 30 or 40 guests – closest ones would be perfect.

 

when we made our guest list – I had only 18 people all together closest ones I really wanted to see. He had double of that. And we agreed that there will be no relatives which we really dont talk much and we dont care about much.

 

But his mum pushed us on inviting more relatives from his side  – cousins etc. And he agreed. At the moment he got 45 people and I got like 13 left because some of mine wont be able to attend because they are living abroad. And Im kinda hurt – because he said today that he doesnt care about some and hopes they wont come but I got only closest ones which I wanted to see and even then some of them wont be able to attend.

 

And Im starting to feel like I will be going and having  a wedding with people I dont know and dont care about. So its like going to strange wedding or his mum’s wedding. Because this is not the only thing she is pushing un us and my patience is going down really fast.

 

The problem is she is sharing some cost of the food etc and I know I cant say that much but I just wish she would let us just be and do how we like. She had her wedding already.  And actually the closest the day comes the less happy it seems to me  and the less I want it and mostly because others. 🙁 I feel lost and like everyin ignores my opinion.

 

Sorry for long rant.

Post # 10
Member
7464 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Its a wedding not her family reunion. She can schedule a reuion on her dime.

 

Post # 11
Member
5209 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

@sunshinewish15:  if you are paying for it yourself it’s not your responsibility to cater to his mother’s wants. Write down your guest list by drawing a spiral. Put the essentials (your parents, best friends) in the center and work your way out by level of importance. I know that doesn’t sound nice but you get what I mean. Then count from the middle out. Once you reach your maximum of 65, you stop. That’s your cutoff point. 

Post # 12
Member
822 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

you’re not unreasonable.  weddings are expensive.  i think you were more than generous by letting her invite 44 out of the 65 guests.

 

Post # 13
Member
2613 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@sunshinewish15:  I guess I don’t understand why your FI is going against what you say you’ve previously agreed too?  Is it HIM that wants the additional guests and kids or his Mom? 

If this is coming more from his mom, he just needs to tell her the additional people aren’t in the budget. 

You’re right about the kids – I think people whose kids weren’t invited would feel slighted if other’s were.

Post # 14
Member
326 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@sunshinewish15:  I felt the same way.. We originally had a guest list of 90 people but then we both decided it was getting to expensive and we cut it down to a little over 50.. No kids except in bridal party and immediate family only which was only 7 Kids.. I didn’t invite my whole family.. Only the ones I am closest too and talk to more.. Same with Dh.. Your mother in law is not paying for it so why does she feel she gets a say.. Dh and I paid for our wedding ourselves and I made it clear that we will do what we want and invite who we want.. Do what makes you happy with the 65 guest that you know and love.

Post # 15
Member
605 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable but I think you should talk things through with your fiance.  It sounds like he wants to invite these people too, not just his mother.  Maybe you are envisioning two different kinds of weddings. 

My FI talked about having a small wedding but when I actually asked that he make a guest list, it had over 100 people on it…just the people he wanted to invite!  He didn’t realize how fast it adds up.  We compromised and are now inviting 100 guests total. 

 

Post # 16
Member
79 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Jacqui90:  +1……million. Plus one MILLION.

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