trying to deal with waiting

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
878 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

Have you talked about when you plan getting married at all or gotten a timeline? It seems like you havent. He could honestly be oblivious or thinking only in the abstract “someday” mindset. I am in a similar situation and got a time line recently which made me feel much less frustrated and more excited

Post # 3
Member
8047 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

Man I just feel like the vast majority of 24 y/o men are not thinking about getting married and just dont want it yet, especially if youre already living together, they just think… why? Women are just ready so much sooner. I would cut yourself off from the pinterest stuff and try to just be patient. Ask him when he pictures marriage happening for himself. See what he says and accept it if you love him and hes worth it to you.  

Post # 4
Member
878 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

MrsBuesleBee:  don’t totally agree with the whole 24 year olds aren’t thinking about it yet thing! I’m 23 and have lots of friends in their mid 20s who are married or engaged! SO is 25 in my case!

Post # 5
Member
811 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I’m in my 30s now…totally agree that some guys were just NOT in that space at that age.  Actually, I only knew a few that got married then.  Most of my friends got married a bit older.  But that was me.   And, a few of those folks aren’t married anymore….ugh, which almost feels worse than seeing everyone you know get married – seeing the divorces!

My advice being an old lady now is to focus on being young and enjoying eachother, knowing it will happen soon.  Busy yourself (Pinterest is evil in that respect) with friends, etc.  Maybe have a “before marriage” bucket list and making it fun?

The other thing you can do is ask him for a timeline.  Make sure he knows you’re not putting an ultimatum on him, just wanting to make sure you guys are on the same page.   Then, let it go and trust him.  🙂

 

 

 

Post # 6
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

MrsBuesleBee:  Agreed, that was my experience too.  The vast majority of people I knew in my mid-twenties were at this same point.  Those who had been together for more than a year or so were struggling because the girls all wanted to be engaged, and the guys just weren’t ready yet.  There’s a lot going on for most people when they’re 24:  People are finishing up undergrad or in the middle of grad school, many people don’t know what location they’ll ultimately end up in, and the vast majority of people that age have not saved up a ton of money yet.  This day and age, there are plenty of people who are still living with parents or roommates in their mid-twenties, especially in expensive cities like New York, L.A. and Seattle.  The pressure is usually on the guy to finance the ring, and lots of guys don’t have that kind of cash stowed away yet, and don’t want to pay for it with credit.  Additionally, (and I know how old-fashioned this sounds) many guys feel as though they should be ready to be the “official” breadwinners of the family before they ask.   There’s a lot that plays into it.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by  Slybrarian.
Post # 7
Member
3280 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I’d definitely be talking to him to see what his reasoning is and when he plans to be married. It kind of seems like he doesn’t want to get married. If he wanted to, he would have done it. I asked then BF one day when I was 19 if he ever thought about getting married and he said yes and we talked about it a bit. A month later we bought a ring and he proposed 2 months after that. Why wait? We wanted to be together forever so there was no reason to wait. See if your BF has a reason or if maybe he just doesn’t want to be married. The large majority of 24 year olds I know are married with kids so I’d say it’s definitely not uncommon for 24 yo guys to want to be married. 

Post # 8
Member
2455 posts
Buzzing bee

Slybrarian:  “Additionally, (and I know how old-fashioned this sounds) many guys feel as though they should be ready to be the “official” breadwinners of the family before they ask.”

This is so true! My FI felt this way and I was so shocked by that because we are such an independent couple. We both have lived away from our parents since a young age, we both make the same amount of money – he has always said he loved how indepenedent I was and there was no reason for him to think he would need to support me.

But that is just how he was raised to think so he couldn’t help it lol

OP, I don’t think you should just have a calm discussion with him about where he sees the relationship going. Does he see you two getting married in a year? 2? 5? Never? Chances are he’s not ready at 24 and in a relationship less than 3 years. It doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you, but right now he might be more career focused and working on getting himself established. Many men need to feel stable before proposing.

Post # 9
Member
2455 posts
Buzzing bee

MrsN14:  I don’t think he doesn’t want to just because he hasn’t done it yet. There could be many many reasons. I was with my FI 8 years before we got engaged. Nothing wrong with getting married young, but just like you said, if you want to be together forever why wait? Then likewise, why rush? Everyone moves at their own pace.

I agree that there are 24 year old men out there who are ready for marriage but I think PPs are basically saying if he’s not ready yet it could have a lot to do with his age, not so much that ALL 24 year olds aren’t ready.

Post # 10
Member
2166 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

It might be worth it to talk to him about what his timeline looks like, and you can both make sure you’re on the same page.  

In the meantime, try to just enjoy being with the man you love!  The engagement will come, but in the end it’s just one part of the rest of your lives together.

Post # 11
Member
2726 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

LittleE3:  It depends where you live. It is very uncommon in places like New York city for men to get married that young.

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