Post # 1
Oh, I just wanted to vent. It is one of those days, and I haven’t posted on WeddingBee in a long while, so I figured why not!
I’m 26, and my DH is 32 – we’ve been married just about 7 months now. I was never an extroverted, social person, so I have a very small group of friends – and most of them are 1. not dating/not married 2. far away 3. trying to find a stable/decent job. My DH is a very social, friendly person, and so he has a large group of friends and most of them (if not all) are 1. married/will be married soon 2. has/is pregnant with a child or two (or three) 3. settled with a stable job/bought a house/etc. Bottom line is, ever since we started dating, I have been hanging out with his friends a whole lot more than my friends – and luckily, I love pretty much all of his friends.
But the other side to this is that, all of his friends are in their early to mid-30s. Sometimes I feel like I’m not really enjoying my 20s to the fullest (especially when I hear DH’s friends say things like “Oh, my 20s were so awesome and crazy” “I would do this and that when I was in my 20s” etc) and sometimes I feel like I’m falling behind (as in, I feel like I should have a kid, have made further in my career, etc).
Quite honestly, I’m not exactly sure what typical 20s people do – I never partied/went to a bar or a club/etc in my life (still not interested), and I always loved kids, so maybe it’s natural for me to associate more with DH’s friends. But sometimes, I feel confused and feel like I’m missing out on something (maybe hanging out with people in my age group will be different) or sometimes I feel like I “need’ to have a child now because it’ll be too late later on (when DH’s friends are in their 30s, so technically, I’m not “late” at all).
I’m not sure where this is going really. I love hanging out with DH’s friends, but sometimes I feel like I don’t think/act like my age because I am heavily influenced by the social group that I am surrounded by. What do you think? Is anyone experiencing/feeling something similar??
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Post # 2
if there is something you want to do, do it. but don’t let someone’s wild and crazy make you feel like you are missing out on something. it probably isn’t as wild and crazy as you imagine anyway.
Post # 3
My partner and I are both in Our 30’s and I have to say…..he says how awesome his 20’s were, but mine weren’t at all.
I had a long term boyfriend that I lived with for over 5 years, went to university and struggled through my dads cancer in my early 20’s. Right after graduating with my degree I found out my long term sweetheart was cheating (I had patiently been waiting for a purposal) and flopped my life. 6 really tragic months of my life and I ended up pregnant with a man I had never spend time sober with and than spent 3 abusive years with him, than several years as a single mom…
Everyone doesn’t have magical 20’s….party crazy happy 20’s. I think your amazingly lucky to be spending your twenties with a loving partner and great friends.
Post # 4
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
Age is number, so don’t let yourself get too caught up in it. I became a parent at 18, but you’re darn skippy that I lived it up every chance that I had a baby sitter. I had all sorts of crazy, fun, laugh till you snort, drink till you fall down, jump out of airplanes, and sing along till you lose your voice times. Why? Because it’s what was right for me. I needed those times, and wasn’t ready to settle down until I hit 27 or 28. But a friend of mine, who had no kids, bought a 4 door “mom” car at 24 because all she wanted to do was get married and have babies. Neither one of us were “right” or “wrong”. We were each being true to ourselves and living life on our own terms.
My best advice to you is to stop looking around at others, what they have/do, and start looking inside yourself. Listen to you inner voice and let it be your guide. If you need to have some adventures, then go have some adventures (within reason and the bounds of law). If you are deeply content being settled, then be settled. Do what is right for you and you won’t go wrong.
Post # 5
Redholix: Just because they partied and had crazy lives does not mean that is what you should do. Nor does it mean that is who you are.
My brother was wild and crazy in his 20s. I was the black sheep of the family going to college, finding a job, and doing peaceful things. I saw no need to party. That is not who I am. There were times I looked back and said “Maybe I should have?” but I would have been perfectly miserable trying to be someone I was not.
Your path is different than another persons. You must do what makes you feel happy and content. 🙂
Post # 6
ajillity81: Haha, and I’m sure some of them repackage their stories to make it seem even better than it was! 😀
Mrs.Z.: lovekiss: VictorianChick:
Absolutely correct that I am lucky to spend my 20s with someone I love/someone who loves me. I’ve had my own share of social drama (not so terrible in retrospect, but at the time in my teenager/early 20s mind it felt like the end of the world) which is why I stuck to tiny group of close friends. I never felt the need or desire to party/drink/hangout with people – it’s quite a new feeling for me, enjoying hanging out with DH’s friends, because I’ve learned that I’m actually not so bad at socializing! I’m not as awkward as I used to be, my English is perfect (in my teenager years, I was very self-conscious about making mistakes while talking to people because English isn’t my first language), and I was surprised by that. I guess, “what I want” right now sorta coincides with “what DH’s friends have” and that’s what’s been bothering me. For example, children. I wanted to be a mom as soon as I got married, but after working 4-5 years, I want a career now – plus, after such horrendous in-law drama pre-wedding, DH and I are enjoying quiet days – so I’ve been trying to push out the idea of having kids. But seeing DH’s friends with kids sorta fired up my inner desire again.
20s so far feels like a battle between high-energetic high-risk taking teenager with a logical/repsonsible sane adult, and balancing the two is difficult!
Post # 7
I’m in the same boat. My fh is 31 and I’m 24. I moved to a new city and met hime right away. I’ve never had many friends either and he is mister social butterfly. To give you an idea our wedding is 100 peole…about 85 of those guests are his. All his friends are married, having kids, have more intense jobs and just more intense lives lmao I don’t have much advice on the matter but I can comiserate. I also sometimes feel I am missing out but I know I’m not. I was a wild child in my teen years and I teel you what, I never want to back to that. I do drag my fh to some ‘young things’ like music festivals and such. We had sex in a car wash once lol Just bring him to your level once in a while! He’ll love it!
Post # 8
I don’t think there is a “typical 20s” I’m 21, in graduate school, DH and I have had the same friend group since we went to high school together, but all of our friends (21-24ish) are married, kids on the way, graduated, already have good jobs, etc. I don’t feel like I’m missing anything. We still go grab a drink at a bar, but usually are in bed by 10-11. Our fun is planning each others bridal/baby showers and attending weddings every other weekend. Don’t feel like you were suppose to be doing something if you didn’t want to. Just do what you have fun doing now!
Post # 9
I’m 25 (soon to be 26) and FI is 35 – so I definitely know where you’re coming from. Except my FI didn’t have good 20’s at all (his brother-in-law was murdered, and he became the ‘father figure’ to his neices and nephews and helped his sister clean, cook and care for them, all while completing a Master’s program), and I sorta am – I go out with friends when I can, but I never get drunk or do anything rowdy. My friends (24-28) are all in serious relationships or engaged themselves.
I don’t have a stable job, per say – I make great money but I literally hate it. One week I will have 70 hours, and the next four of five none. One 8 hours, the next 30. But I have worked 2 hours the past 6 or 7 weeks… who can live on that? Plus, my boss is condescending and has been using me for quite some time. I’ve been applying to jobs all over the place, sometimes applying even for a $15/hr pay cut. It makes me sad but I need more “stability,” to really begin saving for our wedding a future together – although I need to sometimes convince myself of this, FI really does support me through this.
Maybe to help you you can sit down and discuss a timeline for when your finances would be best for having a child? This is what FI and I sorta did – with time in between for me to find myself and achieve my dreams (master’s degree then medical school) too.
Post # 10
Post # 11
Redholix: Well I guess my wild 20s was my wild teens lol. I partied and made my stupid mistakes in my mid and late teens ( and my FI then boyfriend was there during the ending part of it). However he didn’t have has until his 20s and we took a break to figur some thigns outs and focus on us. When we got back together we were ready to build a life for ourselves seperately and together. To me age really doesn’t matter because alot of my friends are parents but feel they are no where near ready for marriage whereas I’m the opposite I’m eady for marriage but want to wait for the kiddies (eventho I thought I would have them in my early 20s like alot of my friends). Its about what makes you happy your not ahead or behind your where you want to be in life and if you feel ready for kids have them if you want to wait your still young enough. As long as you and your DH are in agreement thats all that matters.
Post # 12
Redholix: Even if I wasn’t dating DH, getting my (really good) career in order, and buying a house in my 20s, I don’t think I would have had the “Wild-party it up” 20s that some people talk about. I’m just not that type of person. It doesn’t really sound like you are either. People enjoy life in different ways. My enjoyment comes from security; I have a good job, a house, a loving partner and friends. Some people’s comes from high energy situations like partying, risk taking, and a lot of social interaction.
As far as “wanting kids” thing, I don’t think it would matter if his friends have kids or not. None of our local friends who we see regularly have kids other than DH’s sister. I still want them now. I think it comes from the place of “We are married, have a house, have jobs, kids is the next logical step” way of thinking. I also go back and forth a bit, but I think everyone has their reasons for not necessarily thinking they are all the way ready (and to be honest, i’m of the opnion that you are never all the way ready)
Post # 13
A lot of my friends claim their lives just started getting fun in their 30s!….I’m guessing they will say the same when they get to their 40s to. The seceret is to do fun things that make you happy and make memories, whatever than happens to be for you. Your ahead of me, at your age I hadnt found my husband yet and life has got a whole lot more fun since he has been in it. 🙂
Post # 14
Redholix: I think I am similar to you. Yeah, in college going to parties was fun but I don’t think that’s all there is to life, or even a decade of my life. Sure partying is fun, or doing crazy things (what does that even mean anyway?) but is it meaningful? If you’re not interested it might not be for you.
For me, I find it meaningful to spend quality time with friends. That might happen at a party or somewhere else. But partying just in itself doesn’t really excite me (shocking, I know). There are other ways to be wild at any time in life. Like spontaneously going on a camping trip or road trip with your DH. Or deciding to learn a new language. Or picking up guitar or yoga or something. Maybe it doesn’t sound that wild but there are other ways to be wild and free and embrace life in your situation right now, make the most of your 20s so to speak. Or your free time before the kids come if you’re planning on that.
I can totally see how you might compare yourself to others on the career/kid/settledness continuum. It’s easy to do. I try to keep in mind that it’s not a competition, we’re all individuals at different places in our lives. I feel awkward a lot because I have my career path figured out (not totally figured out, but pretty settled, know what I want to do and working towards it) but some of my friends don’t, they are just trying to survive. So when I am around them I feel guilty about talking about it because they’re still finding themselves. I wish we could all just be where we are without judging anyone. But also I don’t really know what their position is like, so I am open to other opinions on this. Basically I can see why this would make you uncomfortable and I think it’s good that you are aware of that. I think being aware helps us to lead more intentional lives and consider what is right and authentic for us.
Thanks for your post! I think it’s a great topic of discussion and something that might happen more than we think!
Post # 15
Redholix: I’m so glad that someone else posted this! I feel exactly the same way! I am only 20, but I definitely feel like I am 28. I partied a lot in high school and when I met my fiance everything changed. I stopped partying, I don’t like to drink, I don’t like going out a whole lot and I would rather just be in my house with my little family. We are struggling with this as we are starting to TTC and people are criticizing because “we are too young” I’m 20 hes 24. I agree with PPs that why let someone else’s normal define yours? I am starting to have the mentality. This is my life and we only get one. I also enjoy the fact that if we do have children while we are younger, we will have grand children when we are still relatively young and can do many things with them.