Trying to give gift for newborn niece but SIL keeps avoiding us….

posted 3 weeks ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
7139 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Well, she had a baby LAST WEEK, so I’d cut her a little slack. She is still probably very sore, bleeding, trying to establish feeding etc. Not to say her past actions regarding your nephew haven’t been weird, but now is not the time to press it since you guys obviously aren’t close. I’d give her a couple weeks at least to get back in some kind of routine. 

Post # 3
Member
2667 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Sounds like there are some complex family dynamics going on. I would let her know that you have a gift you’d like to bring by and you won’t be there for more than a few minutes and let you know when it’s a good time after they’ve settled in with the new baby a bit. If much more time passes and you still haven’t heard from them I’d put the gift in the mail and be done with it.

It sounds like they’re in some kind of self imposed exile. They think they’re being ousted but don’t see that they’re doing it to themselves.

Post # 4
Member
302 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Sounds like you and your husband want to be close with them and they have made it pretty obvious they do not want the same from the relationship. Why continue to push the issue? 

If they feel put off by your in-laws thats on them for being stand-offish. It is lovely you bought your niece a thoughtful gift and when you do see her you can present it..be that tomorrow or at the baptisim.

It is hard to not be upset or offended but perhaps its time to put that energy into some other friendship/relationship where it will be reciprocated?

Post # 6
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

LongIslandRN :  I think everything you “think” about why they may or may not be close with you doesn’t really matter. They’ve made it clear through their actions that they don’t desire the same close relationship you and your DH do, and they’re not obligated to force those feelings. Also, regardless of any of that, the woman pushed a baby out of her vagina less than 10 days ago. Leave her alone. It’s completely her choice (and should be), who she does or does not allow over right now. Give the poor girl a break. Now is not the time to worry about what you want. 

Post # 7
Member
1478 posts
Bumble bee

Why did you buy a $100, personalized gift in the first place? If she’s dodged you constantly for the last two years, I don’t know why you thought she’d want you to come over with a newborn. 

They clearly don’t want a relationship with you and your husband (for whatever reason). You giving a gift or not won’t change it. I would wait 2 weeks, ask once more and then send it in the mail. 

Post # 8
Member
260 posts
Helper bee

It’s sad but I think I might just let it be. If you two aren’t close, of course she’d have her siblings and parents at her house rather than her husband’s half brother’s wife when she’s just given birth. Don’t compare your family dynamics with hers. Bring your gift to the baptism and save yourself another $100 on a present for that. 

Post # 9
Member
2126 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

For their own reasons (even if you’re blind to them) they don’t want a close relationship with you. 

Do yourself a favour, let go and stop buying such expensive gifts.

Post # 10
Member
1316 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

My husband and I are introverts. I lived up the road from my best friend for 2 years and never once went to her house. She came by maybe once. We don’t even have kids yet so not even that excuse lol. I just like space and am very happy on my own. My husband sees his friends maybe once every few months lol. We both have social anxiety too so it takes us so much energy to go to things so we generally don’t. We just moved to the other side of the country and haven’t seen family or friends for a couple months and it’s honestly the happiest we’ve been lol

We stick to ourselves and are quite happy in our bubble. If I had just had a baby and I had a relative being pushy to see me, I’d probably be a bit more rude to you than what she’s been. 

You need to understand that everyone is different and they might not want to get too close and they don’t really need a reason so dont assume! 

I honestly think the best thing can you do is message her sympathising with how busy it is and say you will wait for things to settle down for her. Then text in a month or so and offer to just pop by or meet up (she might be embarrassed if the house is messy etc). 

Don’t take it personally x she might be fighting demons you can’t see

Post # 11
Member
3513 posts
Sugar bee

Just drop the gift off on their doorstep and go home and send her a text that says “left a gift by the front door! I hope you are all doing well!”. And don’t ring the doorbell or knock. 

Post # 12
Member
4823 posts
Honey bee

LongIslandRN :  

Everything they all said, and I think you are right to pull bck , just leave the gift or post it or save it for the christening. They just don’t want to see you , that’s sad  but you have to accept it . As  you have to accept that of  course she wants to see family her more than  her husbands  half brother’s wife, lovely and generous though you no doubt are . Its never nice  to know you  care about someone more than than they do about you .

And, if I may say,  do be careful about jumping on the  ‘they’re jealous ‘bandwagon , it can be a simplistic self serving accusation. 

Post # 13
Member
2066 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter's Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

Leave the gift on the front porch and send a text saying “hope everything is going well, I have left a gift on the front porch for you.”  If it was me I’d leave a couple of frozen meals as well.

Post # 14
Member
121 posts
Blushing bee

LongIslandRN :  Just wanted to add – while I understand it can be hard to see one side of the family “getting more time” than the other, there are sometimes reasons for this. I had a friend who recently had a baby and while they are close to both families she spent a lot more time initially with hers. She was simply more comfortable “not being at her best” around her own family than her in-laws and didn’t feel like she was “hosting visitors”. Her mom would come over and clean her bathroom while she fed the baby, whereas she would never ask her MIL to do that.

Point is – newborns are hard (sounds like you have a LO so likely know this) so maybe cut her some slack and don’t be so quick to judge.

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