Post # 1
Sorry in advance for the length.
A bit of history and where I’m at… I’ve always wanted to be a bit thinner but struggle with losing weight. I would say I was on the thin side in high school and since then, about 10 years later now, I gained about 30 lbs across the years. I eat somewhat healthy and exercise somewhat regularly. I look about average in weight. A lot of people tell me I don’t need to lose weight which irks me because it’s not their business! And they don’t realize how I pick clothes that flatter my trouble areas. And actually according to my BMI I am overweight (and I don’t have that much muscle). I mostly want to feel better and fit into boxes of clothes I have upstairs that I haven’t fit into for a few years now.
I committed to doing Weight Watchers which I’ve never done before. This time around I have a strong committment to sticking with a diet because I want to look and moreseo FEEL my best on my wedding day. And honeymoon in which I’ll be living in a swimsuit. I don’t want to feel horrible about how I look 10 days in paradise, which will make my honeymoon much less enjoyable.
Onto an interesting conversation I had with FI last night…we went to Olive Garden to celebrate me getting a job. I was fine with it..I researched ahead of time and knew exactly what I wanted to get, the points it was worth, etc. FI, in the meanwhile, orders an appetizer, his meal, and a martini. I’m FINE with it…I know if I want to lose weight I’m going to have to deal with temptation and I want others to order what they want. However, FI is usually a pretty healthy eater and he usually doesn’t drink or order appetizers or anything. I’ve noticed in the past that when I try to lose weight, he tends to eat more unhealthy and bring home unhealthy food. I brought this up casually last night and said I wonder if I am just noticing the unhealthy stuff you have when I’m actively eating healthier or if we just kind of shift and each have our times we eat well or not. He openly said “Maybe I do it subconsciously because I don’t want you to lose weight.”
He then went on to say he likes the way I look and doesn’t want me to lose weight. He won’t stop me or anything I know, but he won’t be super supportive. But that’s OK, I can/should handle that. I explained my lifelong issue with weight, the boxes of clothes upstairs, I weigh more than I look (almost as much as him, which he didn’t believe), I want to look and feel my best on my wedding day and honeymon, etc. He gets it, but he doesn’t. He’s a guy and a thin guy so he never knew the discomfort in your skin, the avoidance or strategic planning for pictures, what it’s like to be a woman and not look like a supermodel, etc. I do appreciate that he likes the way I look and tells me so and I’d rather have that than him riding me to change how I look. I guess you can’t have it both ways.
I guess I just needed to vent. I’m also curious if other bees have similar situations and how you handle it?
Post # 3
I have been doing really well on my diet (20 lbs lost so far!) but my DH is eating more sweets than ever. I don’t know if I am noticing it more or if he is trying to counteract it! But really, I don’t think he is actively trying to sabotage- but its frustrating!
Post # 4
This is an interesting perspective. I wonder if he is worried that things might change or maybe you might change if you lose a bunch of weight?
Post # 5
@Skittles131: Maybe tell him its not so much about the weight as it is trying to make yourself feel healthy, and you should eat healthy together. It’s always easier if you act as a team. After all, you eat a lot of the same meals every night if you’re cooking at home.
Post # 6
@eeniebeans: YAY! Way to go!! That is a HUGE accomplishment. And YES that’s exactly the question. Is it natural to pull the other way when one is being healthy? Or is it sabatoge?!
@smarie13: hmm…interesting points. He’s the kinda person who usually says exactly how he feels. I think he just likes my curves and way I look and doesn’t want me to lose my booty or anything LOL I try to tell him, I won’t lose it, it will just look better 🙂
@wouldyoukindlyy: YES, that’s the approach I’m taking. But there’s no way around the fact that I’m dieting, esp with WW using the points and what not. He says he wants to eat healthy though he doesn’t always so I think he’ll appreciate the healthy cooking for the most part.
Post # 7
@Skittles131: It’s a bummer that he isnt’ being supportive…but the silver lining is that he thinks you look hot just how you are. That’s positive!
I agree with your approach that you should lose weight if you feel that it’s right for your body.
I have the opposite thing with my DH. He is super supportive of my diet and exercise efforts, but he’s a total health and exercise nut and I’ll get the side eye if I over indulge and I always feel a tiny bit nerouvs about gaining weight.
On the plus side, my husband does have the body of a greek god, so there’s that.
Post # 8
I agree that you should focus on health when discussing it with him. I understand how you feel – I gained about 15 lbs in the past two years and although I was still at a normal, healthy weight, I felt gross. It was larger than I had ever been and I was very uncomfortable with it. I managed to lose it plus some, and I feel so much more comfortable. It’s really hard when I’m with SO because he eats complete shit – I wish we lived together so I could cook and make healthy food for both of our sakes.
Post # 9
I personally feel so fat some days but I am only a bit overweight according to BMI. Once I brought up that I wanted to start running and eating better and FI actually stopped eating and just stared at me. He has communicated several times that he loves my body just the way it is and that I shouldn’t fix what isn’t broken.
I too am a heavier than I actually look, it is easy to look at the scale rather than the reflection in the mirror and think the number is just too high. But everyone thinks I am much lighter than I am which really raises my self esteem.
I gave up on my quest to lose weight as a result of his feelings but I did improve my diet and exercise in a way that would make me feel better about my health yet not drastic enough to become “too skinny” in FI’s eyes. I had wanted to lose 20 – 30 but instead I lost 5 and I feel great.
Post # 10
@Skittles131: I can relate. I’m in the process of a weight loss journey. When I first started, I told my SO that I was going to try to lose weight and join weight watchers. He was not as supportive as I would have liked, which was disapointing. He said that he liked me the way that I was and didn’t think I needed to change anything. While, it’s great to hear that someone loves you for who you are, no matter what you look like, I was not happy with myself.
At the beginning of my journey, I found the same thing, that my SO was encouraging me to eat things that I shouldn’t or that temptations were magically appearing. I find that I really have little willpower in that area, so I find it really hard to say no. I finally talked to my SO about it and explained why I wanted to lose weight – that I wasn’t healthy, I wasn’t happy the way that I looked, and it made me miserable in that area of my life. He expressed that he was worried that (for some reason) my personality would change or that I would change too much. I reassured him that I would be the same person no matter what size I was, but that I needed his support – both in encouragement and in not derailing my eating habits. I think things have improved and he now celebrates all the little milestones with me and encourages me to exercise and eat well. And surprisingly some of my learned good habits are starting to rub off on him!
Post # 11
FI hates it when I diet and excercise. He thinks I’m going way overboard and thinks that it’s a horrible idea. He thinks that dieting is totally unhealthy and that I can’t commit to an excercise regimen enough for it to be more than just a fad for me.
However- when I do diet, he respects it. My FI has ALWAYS eaten more junk food etc. than I did and I had to learn how to ignore the constant presence of JUNK in our house when we first started dating. I gained and then lost about 8 pounds after I realized that I didn’t actually have to EAT it.
Post # 12
@cbgg: Exactly…I’m realizing you can’t have it both ways. I really like that he likes me how I look so of course he doesn’t want to change…it just makes it a bit of challenge if I want to change.
@juliana192: Yes! You hit the nail on the head…it is all relative!! If I lost 100 lbs to be where I am, I’d feel totally skinny. But since I’ve gained weight gradually over the years and was a lower weight at one time, I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been and that certainly feels different.
@mildlybookish: that’s awesome that you two could communicate about it and it help! I plan on seeing how it goes with FI. If he continues to “subconsiously sabotage” then we might have another chat and I can then ask him if he has worries about if I lose weight.
@limekitty: That’s awesome you could not eat the junk food even if it’s in the house. That is hard for me! But once I get momentum and start seeing results (like even just my jeans fitting better like they have been lately), I can overcome it easier. Plus I know junk food is not going away and will always be around me so I need to learn to live with it and not cave.
Post # 13
here is what I am dealing with…
I am trying to lose weight, I am not big by any standards but I could def lose some weight. My goal is to be around 165 (im 6’0). Right now Im 180 and I was 195 so I am def on my way. My FI is a weightlifter. He is trying to bulk and get bigger while I am trying to get smaller. He does not bulk healthy… eats what ever he wants and as much as he wants… IT SUCKS!!!! I am only able to have X amount of calories and he can have as much as he wants. That has been really hard for me… Even worse my FI is also a personal trainer so he wants to “help” me. When I have extra calories I can use I like to have 1 piece of candy or something like that he gets on me about how it isnt good for me bla bla bla and it really pisses me off. I am trying to lose weight my way and I am succeeding so I have told him I much rather have him tell me I am doing a good job and not get on me especially with how hard it is already with him bulking.
Post # 14
@Skittles131: I had some resistance from my husband to me losing weight and he had the following reasons:
- He didn’t want me to lose my curves. I think this is a common fear. This is more likely to happen if you go with a 1200 calorie a day diet and don’t eat any exercise calories back. Go for slow and steady. Work out your TDEE and eat around 500 calories less. Losing 1lb a week doesn’t sound sexy, but it’s sustainable.
- Women on diets tend to be grumpy and obsessed with eating as little as possible. Been there, done that. Ate more this time and lost more without being a total grumpy cow.
- He didn’t know what I’d look like once I’d lost weight. Shock! Horror! Neither did I. I like the new me but she isn’t that different from the old me (and she still has fat days).
I involved him.
I ate a balanced diet (albeit with higher protein than before).
We went to the gym together and lifted heavy weights (which has meant that I’ve gone from a fat and flat butt to a seriously fab ass).
I went for a flexible approach to dieting and often had ice cream… I just had a small portion and enjoyed it.
I can’t promise that something like this would work for you, but try to include him, reassure him and eat as much as you can get away with whilst still losing weight.
Post # 15
- Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY
@Skittles131: Your FI is not uncommon in his thinking. A lot of guys are threatened by weight loss- they fear that their girlfriends/ wives will lose weight, feel more sexy/ liberated/ attractive/ valuable and leave them. It’s happened to like 3 women I work with!!
But really, he should be happy and proud that you are making changes to be healthy! Do you thing, girl!
Post # 16
@Skittles131: When I started working out and losing weight my FI confessed that he was worried the “looks gap” (he thinks I am better looking than him, which I really and truly do not believe) would get bigger between us – but instead of being unsupportive, he started working out as well. He said I motivated him. He always did say he liked me how I was too and said I should lose as much or as little weight as I wanted. He has actually lost more weight than me now! (I think he’s lost 19 lbs, I’ve lost 16). Your FI might have similar feelings, but it really should be his priority to support you, because that’s how relationships work.