(Closed) Trying to politely ask a BM to not be in the wedding..

posted 4 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
2535 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Sounds to me like you can’t get out of this one.

You can try asking her outright to step down, but you already gave her a chance (very politely) and she wants to stay as a bridesmaid.

Just try and be positive and focus on your other girls.

Post # 4
Member
3032 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

you have so many others. Will it be the end of the world if she’s not as engaged as everyone else? Do you have any reason to believe that her lack of interest in “wedding stuff” will cause her not to show up or to otherwise ruin/damage your day?

Post # 5
Member
2660 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Unfortunately there is no polite way to ask some to step down from being a bridesmaid.  It’s an extremely rude thing to do and will seriously damage, if not destroy, your friendship.

I get that you are bummed she isn’t more interested, but just because she doesn’t show interest in your wedding doesn’t necessarily mean she doesn’t love and support you.  Maybe she’s weddinged-out from her own wedding.  Or maybe doesn’t care for weddings in general (I know it’s hard to imagine, but some women just aren’t into weddings).  Or maybe she feels all you do is try and talk about weddings.  Not saying this is true of course, just trying to figure out why she’s acting how she is.

Also, I imagine that she said you didn’t have to come to her wedding so you don’t feel pressured.  4 months isn’t a lot of time and if you have to travel, she doesn’t want to be a financial burden.  I wouldn’t automatically assume it’s because she doesn’t want you there.

 I think you should invite her out for drinks or coffee and have a good one-on-one conversation and see where it goes.

Post # 6
Member
838 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2008

@mrscross1020:  Is she willing to put on a dress, be on time and smile pretty for the camera? If the answer to that question is yes, then she’s fulfilled her duties as your bridesmaid. Realize, she’s doing you a favor by participating in your wedding, not the other way around. You don’t own her or her free time. She’s got other things going on. Getting a drink after dress fittings isn’t an integral part of bridesmaid’s duties. Getting fitted and paying for her dress IS. 

 

Your dress fitting is on a weekend. It may be her day off, it may be her fiance’s day off, and save this little thing she has to do with you, she may want to just spend the day with him and that’s OK because you don’t have a right to monopolize her time. If you have 5 bridesmaids, then you have 4 that will be at your beck and call. That’s great. This one doesn’t have that kind of time on her hands, OR there is something higher on her list of priorities, but in the end, as long as she does what she’s supposed to do (show up, get dressed, look pretty, be on time), don’t be mad at her for not doing all the fluff

Post # 8
Member
493 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@mrscross1020:  I’ve almost had to do this. I have photographed many weddings and bridesmaids that are rude, or uninterested make the day worse.

Just make sure you ask her to step down for the right reasons.

Just think, do you want her to be uninterested and mean on your wedding day? No, you don’t. I would take a deep breath tell her to get out and also talk to your other BM’s about it. I’m sure they would support the decision

 

Post # 9
Member
2390 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

No one cares about your wedding as much as you do.  Sure, you can kick her out if you want, but it will be a friendship ending move.  

Post # 10
Member
2213 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@oneofthesethings:  +1

I know it can be hard to deal with people who aren’t as enthuastic as you are, but look at the bright side:  you have 4 girls who are thrilled to stand by you on your big day.

Sure, it sucks that this 5th one isn’t as into it as everyone else, but no one really knows the entirety of what’s going on in someone else’s life.  Maybe she’s anxious or depressed, is having problems at work or with her FI, or maybe she just has a really busy weekend and doesn’t have time to get a drink.

Try not to let the fact that she won’t be having drinks with you after ruin your dress shopping experience.  Isn’t coming to the appointment with you what counts?  Take what she can give you and don’t expect any more than she offers.  You already gave her an out and she didn’t take it, and you’ll likely end the friendship if you demote her.

Post # 12
Member
11227 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

It sounds as if she still wants to be in your wedding and that she is willing to do everything required of her (go to the dress appointment, be there on the day of, etc.)  There really is nothing else that she needs to do. I don’t think you should ask her to step down.

Post # 13
Member
2660 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@mrscross1020:  Sounds like you have a friendship problem and not a BM problem.  I think I would call her up, tell say, “Friend, I feel as though we don’t hang out much any more and that makes me sad.  I miss you, let’s go get lunch.”  I’d try and work on the friendship before kicking her out.

Post # 14
Member
2390 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@DarthBetty:  There’s no “right reason” to ask someone who is supposedly one of your closest friends to get lost.  Why would she be uninterested on the wedding day?  And what do the other BMs have to do with anything?

Post # 16
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Do yourself a favor, and cut her out. It’s your wedding, and if she doesn’t give a crap about it then shes not a good/true friend. I had a bridesmaid just like that, she complained about everything, didnt wanna do anything or be a part of anything that had to do with the wedding, and all she did was cause stress for everyone. Once we asked her to leave, everything went to much smoother, and everyone bonded and it was an amazing experience.

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