TTC and mother dying of cancer?

posted 2 years ago in TTC
Post # 2
181 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

MrsBlessedOne:  I am so sorry that you even need to think about this!  I do know people who change changed their TTC timeline based on a family member’s illness.  It is of course up to you and your husband, there is no right or wrong answer, but in no way does this make you selfish.  The only advice that I can offer is that usually stress has to be very bad to harm a pregnancy (like, war refugee stress); while this will be a horribly stressful time for you, it is of a different nature and you should not be “physically” stressed (in the sense of food/water/shelter-of course there may be times when it takes a physical toll).  Take your time, talk to your husband, and most of all take care of yourself!

Post # 3
1446 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I can totally understand considering it.  My dad was diagnosed with cancer several years ago, with a grim prognosis.  I was seriously considering TTC right away becuase it was so crushing to think about him not meeting my kids.  This would have been a change of several years to my timeline, so a big shift.  Ultimately I decided not to change things around, and thankfully he is healthy now…. but I totally hear where you are right now.

Ultimately it’s such a personal decision, but when it’s just a few months’ different, maybe it would be helpful for all of you to do it sooner?  I would talk to your husband and do some thinking together.

You are totally not selfish for thinking this way– it would be a positive decision for your mother, as well as for you and your husband.

Post # 4
231 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

MrsBlessedOne:  I can’t tell you whether or not to start TTC now or not because it’s a huge decision I don’t think anyone online could help you with, but I can tell you that my dad was diagnosed with the same stage and type of cancer and he has been cancer free for over five years! He’s pretty stubborn, but he also decided he wasn’t going to let it beat him and kept active even during the worst days of chemo/radiation/after surgery, which the doctors said was huge in beating it, so a little hope/motivation couldn’t hurt her! 

Post # 5
2230 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2007

I am so sorry that you’re in this position, that’s awful! I do think you should bring it up to your husband, I do not think that you are being selfish at all. 

My MIL was diagnosed with cancer when I was pregnant with my oldest, she was very excited about the baby and I do think it helped her to have it to look forward to. She even came out and spent a couple of days at our house after she was born (MIL lived about 3 hours away). She lived about 3 years after being diagnosed, and when we would visit with our little one it was like she got this sudden energy. She would be so weak and just laying on the couch, then she’d be up playing with the baby and holding her. 

Anyway, only you and your husband can make this decision. Wishing you and your family all the best! 

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by  mrsmay07.
Post # 6
8847 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

I’m so sorry about your mom.  I agree with your thinking – a pregnancy and grandbaby could bring a lot of joy into what will otherwise be a really crappy time for her.  Hugs to you both.

Post # 7
1450 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

If I had to choose, take this with a huge grain of salt since I don’t kniw your family, I feel like since you were going to TTc so soon anyway I would just do it. Who knows, it may take you a while to conceive anyway and might be a bright spot in all this. 



Post # 9
3128 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was about 12 weeks pregnant. Her best friend died of breast cancer and my mom had previously had lymphoma. It was rough at first dealing with the stress and imaging the possibilty of my mom not being there. Luckily her treatment was a lot easier this time around but the first time she was extremely sick and it was hard on all of us. I can honestly see it both ways- it would be a lot of added stress while you are prengant and your mom may be very ill. At the same time, now that Lexi is here I can’t imagine not having my mom around and I would do everything possible to have her before she passed away. Good luck making your decision. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your mom. Internet hugs!

Post # 10
1231 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008 - Toronto, ON

I am so sorry you are going through this! I found out my mom had stage 4 lung cancer in Oct and she died 3 months later in Jan! I wasn’t trying to TTC when my mom was sick because I was too emotional and stressed out and just cared about being there for my mom, plus I knew she only had a short time left. I say if you know you want to have children and were going to try soon anyway, why not move up TTC, maybe it will distract you from what is going on and maybe it will give your mother a reason to fight to see her future grandchildren! 

Post # 11
1 posts

I am really sorry to hear what your family is going through.  I actually just made an anonymous account to come and discuss a very similar topic when I saw yours.  

My fiancé and I are getting married in three months and just got the terrible news that his mom likely has pancreatic cancer. Although the biopsy results aren’t back yet, she would likely have a similar prognosis. We have been talking about whether or not we would like to start TTC soon after marriage but weren’t quite sure when the right time would be. Now I’m wondering if we should as well. 

Post # 12
9525 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

This is a very, very personal deicsion that has to be decided between you and your husband. I think lots of people would have the same reaction that you’re having and I don’t think it’s selfish at all. I think your mom would be thrilled. And it’s just a few months. I’d talk to your husband and see what he thinks.

I would also think through how this may play out. Obviously the hope would be that you would get preggers quickly and have the baby and your mom would get to enjoy some time with her grandchild. But how you would feel if you got pregnant, but lost your mom while you were pregnant? If it took a while and your mom passed before you got pregnant? If your mom was very sick or passed shortly after birth? I’m not trying to talk you out of it or make you think of horrible scenarios, I’m just trying to help you think through possibilities. And, honestly, these will still be possibilities if you wait until Nov to start TTC.


My only other advice is, don’t put too much pressure on yourself to get pregnant right away. TTC can be stressful enough without thinking that you need to produce some excitement for your mom. So don’t be too hard on yourself if you don’t get pregnant right away.

Also, my mom was diagnosed with terminal uterine cancer. They didn’t give us specific timelines, but she wasn’t expected to live more than 6 months. She made it 18 months. Nobody can really predicit how much time she has. Or how much I have, for that matter! We could all be hit by a bus tomorrow.

Hope things go well with talking to your husband. And I’ll keep your mom in my prayers!

Post # 13
851 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Having lost my mother a year ago to illness I say go for it.. I am still young (24) and just got engaged.. but if I knew that my mother was going to pass on when she did I would have started TTC. I wish I could have given my mother grandchildren. Obviously everyone is different but I don’t think that you would regret having children a bit early.. but you might regret not trying sooner.. Good Luck! I am sorry to hear about your mom 🙁 As I said I know too well what you are going through and it’s tough. 

Post # 14
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

30 years ago, my grandma was dying of cancer. She was losing a 5-year-long battle and in the last 2 months of her life when she learned that my aunt was expecting one of my cousins. I know that it gave her a lot of happiness and something to focus on. She gleefully told everyone that God had let her see a baby girl with blond hair and blue eyes — and looked like her. While I don’t hold to those beliefs, my cousin’s birth 6 months later proved them all to be true.

This will be a very difficult time for you. However, it can give your mother something to focus on (apparently, my grandma was helping my aunt plan her baby shower) and work toward. As you say, it can also increase the odds that she will get to meet her grandchild. There is no right or wrong answer, and obviously, very few people are finding themselves TTC under such circumstances.

Post # 15
1248 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I’m sorry to hear about hour mum. As PP have said its a very personal decision and only one that you and your DH can make. The father of a friend of mine was diagnosed with cancer and they moved their TTC timeline up a long way. They successfully got pregnant and unfortunately her father passed away less than a month before her baby was born. It was very stressful on all of them though it did help her mother through the difficult time after her dad’s death. Either way you just need to do what feels right to you. 

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