- 5 years ago
- Wedding: August 2011
Hi, I have been on this site for some time, reading other people’s stories but have not posted yet.
I feel so lost, I don’t even know where to start. I have multiple things going on and I am not sure how to take it any more or where to go from here. I apologize in advance if this gets long.
My husband and I got married in a year and a half ago, after being together since 2005. I moved to Canada with him, he lived in my country for almost 3 years, that’s where we met, we used to work together.
We started TTC in January 2012. I was told I have PCOS and was on metformin for a while (diagnosis from my old country) and was told by my family doctor and ob/gyn at the pre-conception check up that if I don’t get pregnant within the first 6 months, to come in and she will give me a pill to help get me pregnant. I did not like the idea of trying out different medications (possibly Clomid) without a proper check up so I referred myself to a fertility clinic. I thought it is best to have our duck in a row before I start popping the pills. It turns out that even though my LH/FHS is still flipped, my hormone profile is great, I have all the signs and symptoms of an ovulatory cycle as well as my Day 28 progesterone was 40. I have regular 30-32 day cycles. My husbands’ numbers are 21 mill and motility and morphology are good (the doc did not share the details, he just said that my husband should have no issues getting me pregnant). The fertility specialist checked my tubes using sonohysterography and here is the kicker. I have 2 fibroids, one is 3 centimeters the other is 6.6 centimeters and the bigger one is located at right under my fallopian tube, distorting its cavity. The right fallopian tube needs to go up and around the fibroid and it’s squished by the fibroid. The only symptom I noticed is that I have very heavy bleeding for a day during my period, it does not really hurt otherwise.
A colleague of mine just announced a couple of weeks ago that she is 12 weeks pregnant. Her baby at the time was 6.1 centimeters.
During the first 8 months I did BBT charts and OPKs and timed intercourse and if you wanted to put an example chart in a textbook on how to get pregnant, my chart would have been perfect. Still zero results, nada.
I am scheduled for open abdominal myomectomy later next year. I am freaking out about it but I know it’s something that needs to be done.
We were told to keep trying in the meantime and if we get pregnant, great. It gives us 3 months to try really hard to get pregnant.
I feel my husband has been very supportive throughout this but I know he is stressing about it. Then he takes it out on me. For example, the day I was told I have this fibroid and it needs to be removed through an open abdominal surgery, later that day we got into a squabble over something totally unrelated (buying shoes for him) and he said some very mean things to me about the way I am. I tried to explain that I was just having a conversation with him and even though I did express my opinion that probably it would be better for him if he kept looking in, I was totally OK with him buying the shoes he had on. They looked a little tight I said but they might loosen up a bit. We were in the car on the way home and he yelled at me and said I am always such a bitch when I go shopping with him, trying to push my opinion on him. It was not my intention but I could see his point of view as well and agreed to next time just let him go in the store on his own. Still no excuse for the yelling and I was really hurt about him picking a fight with me. When I was just told about the surgery and I felt very vulnerable and upset, on the verge of crying anyways.
The other aspect of the story is that I know I have clutter issues. I have always had this problem and it’s sometimes better, sometimes worse. I try my best but sometimes the house is a mess, then I tidy up and then it’s a mess again. I find I have hard time letting things go. He is bothered by my clutter.
Lots of other things are in play but last couple of days it has come to head. My husband is so focused on the baby making that I feel he forgets about me. I was away for 3 days and when I got home he was all about let’s do it so that I can get you pregnant. It was not about how much I love you and let’s do it. I am desperate to have a baby as well but I want to feel like a woman that is loved and desired. A lot of times our intercourse is too short and I feel I have pressure on me to “finish”. I don’t know how to talk to him about this…!I want more cuddling and foreplay not just quickies 60% of the time. The day before yesterday he was in a weird mood and even though it was one of my fertile days things just did not seem to work out and I let it slide (after all every 2 days should be OK). Yesterday he got really stressed out by finances and we had a big argument/discussion that left me crying and him shouting again. I am also dealing with the loss of a loved one and after he’s gone to bed (without a goodnight kiss even though we reached an agreement and he apologized for his yelling again), I cried in the shower for an hour, I feel so lost over everything, my job is busy, lot’s of pressure, I have to have surgery , I am desperate for a baby, I feel disconnected from my husband , grieving for the loss of my loved one… I was in the shower thinking how it’s been a very long time since I felt this bad in my life (I had a very rough childhood). Finally around 3 am I cried myself to sleep on the couch.
Then today he turns this on me and says he is frustrated with me, how I sleep on the couch, obviously it’s not so important for me to have a baby as it is for him, he thinks our relationship is shit, he is annoyed by my clutter and believes that is one of the main root causes of everything. He also said he is not sure what he could do to be a better husband. I tried to express my feelings to him, how I don’t feel like a woman and how I am in a very vulnerable place and how I cried so much last night. When I said I cried so much last night he said “Not my problem.”