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I get it. You are definitely not crazy at all. Both DH and I want me to be a SAHM as well and I have found myself having the same fears. I think that it's harder too that you've been trying for awhile because those months where it is a pretty big focus in your life give you time to think about the whole process and analyze every little thing…not just about TTC but about, like you said, what's going to happen afterward. Luckily I have the same kind of DH as you it sounds like..he is very supportive and fully confident that he can and will do whatever it takes to provide for our family.
Something that my husband and I have started doing that helps my anxiety about the money issues is trying to follow an after baby budget. Since I'm still working now we're attempting to save as much of my salary as we can (we don't put the money that we're spending in gas for me to work in savings since that will not be an expense after the baby) and we budget and live off of DH's salary. It can get a little tight but at least that shows me that it can be done. Plus, having that extra money in savings is a good cushion.
You will be able to work it out when the time comes and it'll probably take making sacrifices but it will be worth it for that time with your LO :)
@roxy821: You're not crazy at all, m'dear. The issues with TTC does make you think more about what's going to happen after the baby is born. I've love to stay home, but I know that I'm not going to be able to unless we have twins or the second baby.
I am so proud of your DH, I could just squish him. It sounds like you have a real gem, that he is genuinely listening to your fears and trying to alleviate them. I hope that his business does better really soon and that your fears will abate and he will feel like he doesn't have to work all around the clock.
I second the suggestion of Elley and that it might be good to make a "baby budget" and start living off that now. I think I am going to suggest to my husband that we start looking at what that sort of budget would look like and what steps we can make now to make that baby budget easier!
Roxy, there are so many women here that are wishing and praying for you that things that things will turn out well for you. I lurked for two years, and I just want to let you know that there are people here that are wishing you well. Right now.
I think your anxiety about and during TTC is projecting onto your idea of what will happen after. It might be a coping mechanism - you are tring to think of reasons why having a baby might be problematic- as a way to cope with it not happening right away- and that is surfacing as worries about finances. It sounds like your finances are going to be okay and I think that is what is going on for you-
When things don't seem to go our way right away it is natural to think of ideas why they "might be problematic anyway."
I feel like I could have written this post. I also have endo and only one ovary! I have to agree with cbee in that I don't allow myself to get too excited about the prospect of getting pregnant, and tend to think about why it "would have been problematic anyways". It's easier for me to cope that way, but I am trying to think positively! I also think that worrying about monetary issues after baby is not an unfounded fear. we are only TTC for so long, but need to provide for this baby for the rest of our lives! Well, for a long time anyways. It's sounds like you and your hubby have a really strong partnership. If your priority is being a SAHM, you both will make that happen no matter how difficult it may be at times. Best of luck to you!
For me it helps to just focus on one thing at a time. Of course it is smart to think about and plan for the future, but at this point worrying about what happens after the baby comes may be too much stress for you. Just try to take it one day at a time and once you are pregnant you will still have 9 months to worry about what happens once the baby arrives, but atleast then you wont have the TTC issues on your mind as well.
Your repsonses all made me want to cry (in a good way). I just keep feeling like noone understands me or actually listens to what I am saying. Thank you girls, just for letting me vent and understanding where I am right now.
@RunningElley- We have made that budget, but on paper it looks a little short. But DH has assured me that I need to relax and focus on getting pregnant and even when I am pregnant we still have 9 months to make this happen.
@phillipians48- DH is wonderful, I'm pretty lucky :). You are right about this board. And I do the same, without even knowing each other we all really do want the best for one another. I read the advice even when I don't have info to comment and I get so excited when I hear someone is pregnant.
@cbee- I'm afraid you might be right.
@FutureMrsHCanada- I wish you the best of luck as well. There are so many amazing doctors out there to help us. I have the same problems as my grandmother and even though her kids are 9 yrs apart, she still has 3, I only imagine what medicine can do now.
@bells- Are you sure you are not my husband :), sounds exactly what would come out of his mouth hehe
Most of you brought out a point that I didn't even know I was feeling until I read it. I want this baby so bad and feel like a failure that it isn't happening, I am worrying about everything else. My money worry didn't really intensify until after the first couple BFN.
I think because I want it so bad I'm afraid about what if I wish for this and really try and get what I want and then cannot afford it. I can't say oops it just happened when I tried so hard for something. And I have this imagine of a little baby boy, don't know why when I think of my baby it's a boy, and I want so badly to protect him and give him the best life possible.
"Most of you brought out a point that I didn't even know I was feeling until I read it. I want this baby so bad and feel like a failure that it isn't happening, I am worrying about everything else. My money worry didn't really intensify until after the first couple BFN."
Hugs. I haven't even thought of the financial worry as we're trying. I can relate to feeling like an utter failure because we haven't conceived yet. I have felt this way during the past couple of months. It's worse when a "friend" doesn't understand at all. Those who've conceived on the first try have no empathy, sympathy, or remote understanding of what's it's like to feel like your body is betraying you by not getting pregnant on the first or even a few tries after that. I'm finding that putting my energy elsewhere is helping with those feelings. I also refuse to knit baby blankets until we're pregnant as my own way of coping with the high number of pregnancies and babies around us. During TTC, finding a coping mechanism is key because for some of us the process is longer and more heartwrenching each month. This month, I'm trying to think positive and figure that we get more babymaking experience than those who conceive right away. Getting the BFP means alot more when you've been practicing at it longer.
@carrieknitscake- Hugs to you too. I try not to get my hopes up and then DH gets so excited every month. He picks up on every possible pregnancy symptom, for example I had the hiccups a couple of weeks ago ago and he read somewhere that it's a symptom. I feel like I'm not only letting myself down but DH as well. I understand about the blankets. When we were Christmas shopping DH saw a couple of things that he wants for the baby and I told him no, I just can't do it. It's like teasing yourself and getting your hopes up. Good luck to you and I hope that BFP comes very soon for you guys.
You are not alone. I want to start TTC this summer and already I am worried about everything that comes after that BFP. The pregancy, giving birth, our lives changing, finances being tight, having to find childcare while attempting to stay away from daycare because it's so expensive...the list goes on. I have to tell myself not to think about it too much because I truly believe once you have that baby in your arms you will do ANYTHING to make things work, and they WILL work out because they have too.
Best of luck on your TTC journey!
@skipper2010- Good luck on your TTC journey too! You are right, it will all work out somehow.
Coming in from my self-imposed TTC-stress break to give you a huge hug.
TTC and the thought process that goes into the decision to become parents is extremely stressful. I come from a long line of super-fertile women, so I (naively) thought that I would get KU right away. Because of that, I didn't really let myself think too much about what it would be like to actually have a baby. My husband and I knew we were ready - emotionally, financially, etc. - so we just jumped in. I figured that I would get KU right away and we would have no choice but to figure it out.
Fast forward 6 months. My ute is empty and I have had a long time to think about exactly how our lives will change as our family expands. As much as these 6 months have made me realize just how ready I am and just how much I want a baby, the whole thing scares me half to death. To the point that I honestly am a teensy tiny bit relieved every time AF shows.
My husband and I have been trying to cope with these fears by making a list each month of things we want to do that we won't be able to do once I am KU/once we have kids. So far, I have eaten a lot of sushi, consumed a lot of champagne, and tried a lot of new restaurants. Beyond that, we are taking some trips that I know we won't be able to take with small children. This doesn't make TTC any easier, but it does give me small things to look foward to each month and a sense of satisfaction in knowing that - once I am lucky enough to see that BFP - we will have no regrets for things we could have/should have done before kids.
To the working point (and sorry this is turning into a novel), I have the opposite fear as you. I know that I will be a working mom. I worked d*mn hard for my law degree and I plan to use it. Plus, honestly, I make a lot of money and our lifestyle reflects that. It would be very, very hard for me to stay at home and would require some major changes (including a move) that I am not willing to make. But I am SO afraid that I won't be able to leave my child during the day, or that I will be consumed by guilt because I work. Both SAHMs and WOHMs have struggles - and I hate that we have to make these choices - so know that every woman on this board is right there with you. Don't be embarassed by your fears - we've all got 'em. :o)
@septcabride- Thank you. I feel like a horrible person when I realize a small part of me is relieved when AF shows up. I get so confused because I start to question well if I wanted a baby I shouldn't be relieved even the slightest bit. We just came but from a trip overseas and you are right about planning for little things because I can't put my life on hold in case it doesn't happen soon I would miss out on so much. And I agree whether you are a SAHM or a WOHM it doesn't get easier. I make a good salary so if I worked we wouldn't worry financially but we would worry about the baby every day. Ahhh, when men can have babies life will be so much easier!
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Backstory, I knew I would have trouble conceiving. I have endometriosis, only one fully functioning ovary, and have had most of my cervix removed. My doctor's are confident we can get pregnant, but just that it will take some time. When we got married I wanted to wait about 3 yrs. Well we both got really bad baby fever and DH's business was doing really well. So we decided to start the process and I met with my doctor's at the beginning of 2011. Well since then we have move forward in the TTC process but DH's business hit some really rough patches this summer, we are just trying to bounce back now.
We are on out 5th month of TTC (not ovulating every month). DH and starting to get really down and worried that we won't be able to have a baby and he is always a very optimistic person. My mother is sending me quotes each day, the latest one "Even miracles take a little time". I really appreciate every being so sensitive to me because TTC is an emotional rollercoaster but the issues is, I am not worried about actually getting pregnant. I feel very positive about it and I guess I knew it would take a little while, but I am panicking about after.
I really want to be a SAHM more than anything. I know myself and know that if my baby has to go to daycare that I will not handle that well, emotionally. DH knows this and promises me that he will do whatever it takes even if that means no sleep and working around the clock. When I tell him that I am worried about after the baby is born, he is just begging me to trust him and have faith in him. He loves me and is a really hard worker and I couldn't ask for a better husband. How can I not have faith in him? If I don't then it creates a huge strain in my marriage but I have such anxiety (which I know isn't good for TTC) about money after the baby is born.
I've tried to talk to him and my mom since they are the ones who know what is happening and they are making me feel crazy. DH says that if I don't want to have a baby right now or am not ready to be mom than that is fine, but if it's about money he gets upset and tries to reassure me that he promises everything will be okay. My mother on the other hand had nothing when her and my dad had there first child and she is such a strong believer that everything works out and you make do. We had a wonderful childhood and now my parents are doing very well. My mother wants to pay for the nursery and basically all of the start up costs so I shouldn't worry about that and she is even going to pay for my school loans.
I am just feeling overwhelmed and doesn't feel like anyone understands me and sort of feel guilty that I am not overly worried or upset about TTC and am staying positive. It's like I am strong where everyone expects me to fall about and weak where I am expected to stay strong.
Thanks for letting me vent, the only ones who I feel I can talk to lately are my pups and while they are great comfort I felt I just needed to get this off my chest.