- 3 years ago
Before I get to the reason behind this post, let me give you a little back story to help you understand: I was raped as a teen, the scumbag gave me an STD which went untreated for 6 months as I was scared to tell anyone what happened. My attacker was a longtime family friend. Due to treatment, the infection got really bad and I was diagnosed with Pelvic Inflammatory Disease which has caused minor blockage and scarring in my left fallopian tube.
My DH and I have been NTNP for 5 years and “officially” TTC for 2 years to no avail. In November of last year I had an HSG which confirmed that although there is blockage, it is not severe and the dye could be seen dispersing on both sides (but only slightly on the left). My OB suspected that this should not be a problem with us being able to concieve. She ordered my husband to have a SA completed to make sure that there were no issues on his end.
Well, DH dragged his feet as he was SO sure that I was the sole cause of our fertility problems and did not go in for his SA for a whole year later, after my constant pleading. After getting the results, we recognized that we also have MFI as his count was low, he has a 70% Immotile/No progression rate and a 0% morphology rate with 100% of the sperm being abnormal.
After discussing this with our Dr we were advised that our only chances for concieving would be IVF. Luckily we have prepared ourselves financially for this possibility so I was happy that we were at least getting some answers and there was hope for us afterall – or so I thought. My Dr referred us to a RE in our area and I scheduled an appointment. I did tons and tons of research and consulted with my insurance carrier and confirmed that they cover 90% of the procedure with no lifetime cycle limts….SWEET! I found some live videos of the procedure on Youtube and decided to let my DH watch it with me so that we can be prepared for what is to come.
After reviewing the videos, I noticed that he has this look of pure disgust on his face. Then he blurts out the words that will crush my heart forever: “We are NOT doing this procedure”. I asked him why and he stated that it was far too invasive for his liking and he will not be a part of it. In a panic I began to cry, I asked “what the hell he thought was involved? We’ve only talked about this for the last 1.5 years, did you never do any research on your own”? Apparently he did not, left it all up to me and is basically saying that he will not participate. He says to let him go in and get medicated treatment and see if he can make his numbers look better, he says that he will not move forward with IVF or anything else until he has at least had the opportunity to try this for a full year. A FULL YEAR! This annoyed me because had he gone in when he was supposed to, we would already be so far in the process instead of basically starting over again. He shrugs off his procrastination as if it’s no big deal.
I snapped. I am not proud of it, but it happened and I cannot take it back. You see, DH is opposed to adopting and is 100% opposed to using donor sperm. I snapped on him and said ” I waited 5 years for a proposal because you had things you wanted to do before getting married. I waited another 16 months to get married because you wanted a wedding and I did not and we had to save and pay for that party. I waited a year for you to get control of your ego and have an SA done and I will not wait another moment to become a mother, I am keeping my appointment and I am going through with this procedure with or without your sperm and you can decide if you want to stay or walk”. Not word for word but that is basically what I told him and he looked crushed. Said that he has never in his life felt so disrespected. While I think it was a harsh thing to say, I mean it bees, I am keeping my appointment. I am 37 years old and I am not putting my desires on hold any more for a man who isn’t willing to go through this battle with me, although he is the first person to scream he wants offspring, a family legacy. I am not on his timeline anymore and I am thisclose to being ready to walk away from my marriage. I am tired of coming second to his wants/desires/timeline. I am feeling very resentful.
Please, give it to me straight, what are your thoughts? What would you do in this situation? Am I completely selfish for feeling this way? I feel so crushed.