TTC – Male Infertility Issues – I'm ready to walk away from this marriage

posted 3 years ago in TTC
Post # 3
2062 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@jaylinjo:  I’m really confused about his reasoning for not wanting to do IVF. It’s too invasive? Does it scare him?

If he’s 100% opposed to all the options, I don’t see what choice you have but to “do it on your own” and/or walk away if you really want a child.

Post # 4
251 posts
Helper bee

If I was getting any kind of medical procedure I wouldn’t want to know what they were doing it would scare me too much unnecessarily.  I won’t even watch lasik surgery for this reason. It sounds like it scared him off…

Post # 5
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@jaylinjo:  I am SO sorry you’re going through all of this.

While I see nothing wrong with you conceiving and raising a child on your own, I do not think it’s something you can go through while you are still married without him being on board.  If you are serious about leaving the marriage, I would at least get the divorce process started before you have the procedure.

I understand where your resentment comes from, but at the same time it’s not entirely fair to put the blame on him for that. You made the conscious choice to stay with him and wiat 5 years for the proposal, etc.  I’m sure those are just your emotions speaking but just wanted to add in some perspective.

Have you guys discussed talking to a therapist about all of this? It could help…It sounds like there are some deeper issues going on that is making him react this way and exploring them with a therapist might help. I know time is of the essence but if you love him still there could still be a chance to stay together and eventually have the baby you want.

All the best. xo

Post # 6
454 posts
Helper bee

@jaylinjo:  Maybe he’s scared about IVF because of the possibility of having way more children than he is comfortable with.

I agree with you (without knowing him/his side of course) about not wanting to wait anymore. It seems that he has been slightly selfish around your relationship and now that you want something, he’s not willing. I have a hard time believing that he wants kids. It doesn’t seem like he is trying to do his part. Was that discussed prior to dating/before engagement/ and after the wedding? If he doesn’t and won’t even listen to your side, it may be time to go. As a couple who wants kids and has even discussed the names before being engaged, I can tell you that if my count was low and my wife wanted to have a baby, I would do whatever was necessary to get my sperm count back up OR find a reputable donor. I’m a short guy at 5’8 and even wanted to do IVF with a taller sperm donor and a person who had better family health. My family has a lot of diabetes and other bad health, so i didn’t want to take the chance.

If he’s not willing to meet you half way (by adopting) or fully (doing the IVF) I would say it’s time to go, you may miss your window if you wait for a guy to come around.

Post # 7
7281 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

You married him. Not his offspring. Certainly not his sperm. Do you really want to walk out on the lifetime promise you made to this man for the possibility (there are no guarantees that IVF will work) of becoming pregnant? Only you know that answer.

We are in a similar boat. We know there will be surgery and follow-up procedures involved if we want to get pregnant. That’s just the way the cookie crumbles for us. Mr. LK really isn’t sure that he wants us to go through all of that, ride that emotional roller coaster, and quite possibly still be empty handed when all is said and done. As much as it hurts, I absolutely understand where he is coming from. His perspective is just as real and valid as mine. I’m certainly not going to leave my marriage just because we see things differently. I made a promise to work through ANYTHING with this man, and that is what I intend to do. We’ve already agreed that after things settle down with his work travel schedule, we will be going to marriage counseling together. We’ve been stuck in this discussion loop for 7 months now and haven’t been able to make any progress on our own, so it’s time for us to get some outside help in coming to a resolution.

Post # 8
3584 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

He thinks IVF is too invasive for you, or for him?  I thought all that was involved for him to do was fill a cup.

Post # 9
2243 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

It seems really unsettling to me that you would have waited so long to be married to this man and be willing to throw it all away because of his apprehension.  I think you need to be sensitive to how hurt he is right now: a lot of men tie their self-esteem to their virility. He’s just been told that all his sperm are useless. It’s a lot to take in. Give him some time to grieve!

Its also good to know, sperm counts are resiliant! he could see a marginal improvement with some changes in lifestyle & supplements (I’m NOT saying that it’ll necessarily fix things but it might give him a bit of confidence).

My suggestion is to help him cope with this information for the next little while & ease him into shortening his time-line. It takes 3 months to develop a sperm. Give him that deadline to retest & make it clear that after that, if the Dr still thinks that IVF is the only option, he knows where you stand.

Post # 11
2813 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Oh man. As someone who feels very strongly about wanting kids, I think this might be a deal breaker for me. I don’t know if I would be able to get past the resentment. 

My husband and I talked about fertility treatments before we got married, and he was like, “I really hate the idea of IVF and I wouldn’t put my own body through it, but if that’s what you decide you want to do, I’ll support you 100%.” I get being a little worried about side effects and so on, but really, it’s your body going through it, not his. 

I can understand how he might feel some embarrassment about having MFI and how fear of being infertile might have made him delay the testing and maybe not want to admit that he can’t get you pregnant without science…. But I also understand your urgency, too. Will he go to counseling with you? At he very least, a counselor should be able to help you each sort out your feelings to see if you can reach a compromise or if you should go your separate ways. 

Post # 13
7281 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

@jaylinjo:  I’m sorry he is not willing to go to therapy. If I were you, that is where I would start. Make therapy a non-negotiable. We’re all humans, we all have issues and imperfections. And sometimes we need outside help to get to a better place. I just… I couldn’t move forward without knowing I did absolutely everything to reach a mutual understanding. Since your next Re appointment isn’t until March, you have some time. Make a marriage therapy appointment. Tell him that you are at your breaking point and you absolutely need him to come to marriage therapy with you so that you two can work together toward a solution. Tell him that your sanity depends on him coming to these therapy appointments ready and willing to talk and listen. Make it clear to him just how much is on the line, how deep this is for you, and give him a chance to try this path.

I feel for you. We are just starting down this road and it’s been tough going. My saving grace is that I am lucky enough to have 1 child. Who knew that getting knocked up at 17 may have been the best thing I never wanted?! But now, at 33 and actually wanting a pregnancy, I can’t have it. Go figure.

Post # 14
1599 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’ll play devils advocate- what if you were opposed to IVF and HE was the one who wanted to force you into it? Sure, it’s more invasive on your body, but the issue might be one of “artificial” versus “natural” conception versus the severity of the procedure.  I’m a good devils advocate because I am personally on your husbands side in my relationship- all the women on both sides of my family have had SERIOUS fertility issues and, as such, I told DH right from the start that I wouldn’t ever go through IVF because I can’t stand thinking of the emotional aspect of it.  I am absolutely 110% NOT judging people who have IVF or go through fertility treatments, but for myself *personally* I could not imagine doing it.  Maybe he feels the same way?


I know this must be incredibly hurtful and I cant imagine what you’re feeling, but maybe give him some time to come around before you walk. I am not suggesting “wasting” more time, but if you really want him to be the father of your children…. is it really a waste?




Post # 15
970 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

@jaylinjo:  I understand that you want kids but obviously there is something that he’s not saying that is on his mind about the procedure. As a previous poster said, why not give him a little more time to think about it and have some CALM heart to hearts, no snapping involved??? I understand you are frustrated, but that is in no way a reason to walk away, nor a reason to snap at him.


It might be viewed as him dragging his feet throughout this process, but have you ever thought of how HE feels? It’s a huge ego thing for a guy to be told it’s HIS problem that you’re not getting pregant (regardless of the issues your body is having right now). That’s a huge thing. It’s like how some guys say they would never get a vasectomy because it’s taking away their manhood, even though it has nothing to do with the penis being able to perform….in the same way, if his sperm is not properly working or at the right levels, that’s a hard pill to swallow too.







Post # 16
6812 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

I think you two need to take a break from the subject and approach this again when you’ve both calmed down.

However, I will say that you’re holding on to a lot of resentment and it does seem that the relationship is one sided and everything goes according to his timeline and rules. And then he feels “disrespected” because you lost your cool? I feel like that’s a weird word to use for the circumstances. You didn’t do anything disrespectful. You expressed your feelings, maybe in not the best way, but it happens sometimes. Instead of making this about him and how he’s disrespected, he should open up his eyes and see how YOU’RE feeling. And refusing to go through therapy? Taking a full YEAR to go get his test done? Seriously? I really don’t blame you from wanting to walk away.

But, I do think that if you just wait a little until things cool down and approach it again and let him know he doesn’t have to be there for all the “invasive” parts and that tons of women do it, etc. etc. and you really need/want this, maybe he will come around.

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