Post # 1
My husband and I are both in the military. We both don’t have very many days to take vacations and when we do, we use it to travel, only twice a year though. Both of our families live the same distance from us (6-7 hours). He’s from a larger family (6 children), only two live far away, my husband and his brother. His brother has children and my husband’s parents visit them quite often. They would fly across country multiple times a year to see them (so money isn’t an issue). When they moved, they flew out and helped them drive across the country to their new home. In the past 4 years, his parents have visited us 2 or 3 times. My side of the family consistently visits. They see us about 4 or 5 times a year, driving up and house sitting while we’re on vacation, helping us move and constantly being there.
Now that the holidays are coming up and we’re in our first year of marriage, splitting time is difficult. We only have one holiday to visit a family this year due to deployments. I want to visit my family, they’ve helped us alot this year and maybe it’s selfish but they take so much of their time to visit us, I think it’s only fair to visit them when we have this chance. And they visit even though we don’t have grandchildren. His family’s all about the grandchildren which is frustrating to me because I feel like they don’t care about seeing us, they just care about the children.
Well, his sister in law keeps texting asking why we’re not going to see them for Thanksgiving and making me feel guilty because their whole family will be there except for my husband and we’re only 6 hours away and we have off and should visit.
How do I deal with her? And how do others deal with their families during holidays? We’re just in a situation that we can’t have off for Thanksgiving and Christmas, so we can only get off for one holiday.
Post # 3
you just say that youre alternating holidays and the next free one youll spend with his family. alternating holidays is pretty standard after marriage anyway
Post # 4
Which family did you last visit? We always take turns with holidays. We spent last xmas with my DH’s family (they live in another state. An 18 hour drive) so we’ll spend this one with my family.
Post # 5
I guess my dilemma is, they show no interest in coming to see us, so I don’t really want to spend one of the few weeks we have off, visiting his family.
Post # 6
@UJSMCWG06: I advise you alternate. This year it’s your family, next year it’s his. And there’s nothing wrong with starting with your family since they’ve shown more interest in you.
So you reply something like, “Sorry but we can only visit one family at Thanksgiving. This year it’s my family, next year it’ll be yours”.
(p.s. I assume your husband’s on board with this, since you haven’t indicated otherwise).
Post # 7
Do what works and feels best for you two!
Post # 8
Which family did you spend your last important holiday with? If it was his family, I’d use the alternating holidays excuse. If it wasn’t, just say that you are spending it with your side because they make such a consistent effort to come visit you that you need to return the favor by visiting them.
I understand how you feel. FI and I don’t have kids, but my eldest sister does. Eldest sister, younger sister, my mother, and I all lived within an hour of each other for years. Eldest sister and her family moved out of the area (to a place where most of the rest of our extended family lives), 12 hour drive away. Although younger sister and I have no other family here, our mother has already decided to drive down and spend the holidays with older sister and the grandkids. Even though they have tons of family to celebrate, and younger sister and I will be alone!
Post # 9
You can’t please everyone. I have learned this with my Future in-laws. I swear my fiance and I could spend eery weekend with them and theyd still complain that we never hung out with them
Even if you alternate they probably won’t be totally pleased but at the very least they’ll be able to learn to be ok with it.
Post # 10
I would just tell her that you will be spending it with your side of the family since they have come and visited you sooooo many times and therefore you feel that’s it’s time that you makes the trip now when you have the opportunity to return the favour 😉
i don’t have time to run after people that should care about making an effort of spending time with me, the little time I have left will be spend on those that makes an effort for me as well, family or not……
Post # 11
I’m currently in the same dilemma, sorta. My family and I live in one state, my fiance in another (which I’ll be moving to after we get married), and his family in another state. We’ve had the holiday talk maybe 6 or 7 times now and we still haven’t figured out exactly what we’re doing every year because with his work, he gets off every Thanksgiving and Christmas Day, but can only take an extended vacay on one of those holidays. And since we will be living far from both families, we coudldn’t travel for 4-5 days and alternate each holiday every year because of the time off. And we obviously can’t travel for only ONE day’s worth of holiday time. We can only pick one to travel to and one family to see. We’re focusing on Thanksgiving and I think we’ve decided that I’ll go to his family this year, next year we’ll come to my family, and the following year, we are thinking of hosting and having both families come to us. We’ll see. This is the one thing I which I could change in our relationship. I’m so envious of couples where both themselves and their families live in the same city. Makes things so much easier…
Post # 12
Older Bee here…
What you do this year, the first year you are married is sooo important as it will set the prescident for the rest of your marriage
You don’t want to get into a p!ssing match on which family does more for you (therefore is more important in your eyes)
DON’T GO THERE
Try to treat each family equally… if you have kids down the road you’ll appreciate having this rule… less whining (lol, by the Grandparents)
So whoever you went to visit last, should be odd-man out this time. “Sorry… just the way it is… the reality of we only have so much time off”
My Best Advice… Start now and divide YOUR TIME up between the 2 families as equally as possible…
And that is YOUR TIME… when someone comes to you that is a BONUS and doesn’t count against them.
Ie… Thanksgiving 2013 with Your Family… Easter 2014 Your Family surprises you and comes to yours… You are still on target for Thanksgiving 2014 with His Family.
Hope this helps,