Post # 1
Well, my fiance and I got engaged in August. We told our parents and everyone was so excited for us. As soon as we got home from vacation, I jumped on the books, websites, you name it…and started planning my dream.
Now, we don’t have much money, and we certainly weren’t going to ask for handouts because we feel we can make our wedding special no matter what the cost. My parents have been included every step of the way so far. They know every detail and are excited about it. My dad even offered to pay for my dress. My mom said she will help out as much as she can. My FI and I have our venue picked out and everything! (Best part: It’s Free!)
We went out to dinner with my FIL’s and when I was bringing up certain places I was thinking about having it, anywhere over a half hour away was too far because SHE was planning on having a brunch with HER friends the day after our wedding. And SHE was telling us how she keeps telling her friends we are taking our time with the wedding. Then at the end of dinner, she made a comment about not having it next fall because they are planning a vacation and a “haha” kind of thing.
It took me about a month to get him to even tell his parents our plan was to have it October 2011. (We had talked about this before even getting engaged.)
Well, he finally told his parents. And all hell broke loose. They were hurt that we weren’t including them. Then, they told him that they were planning on paying half and having my parents pay half (which mine can’t afford) and that one year is way too soon to have it. (They could have told us that when we got engaged…then we wouldn’t have started planning everything right away.) Then called back and said they’d pay for it if we basically do it the way they want us to do it. If I can recall, they already got married. Isn’t this our wedding? Aren’t we the ones who get to choose when and where it is? And now my fiance isn’t helping the situation because he let their conversation end on their terms. I’m having a really hard time right now trying to make all ends meet.
Post # 3
My advice: pay for it yourself. Have the wedding you can afford. Then, they don’t have a say at all.
Post # 4
I’m reading this really cool planning book right now and the first couple of topics are around announcing and priorities. If I were in your shoes, I’d probably take a lot of deep breaths, maybe scream into a pillow, and have a movie night with FI. Then I’d bring up the three things that mean most to me about the wedding and ask him to do the same. If you tell your FILs as a team, that these things are non-negotiable, maybe it’ll help.
And if it doesn’t, try to proceed without their help. You could have a smaller wedding with an appetizer reception or have the wedding during an off-time to help with costs.
I wish you all the best, planning should be a fun time for you and your FI. Please remember that it’s all about you two and your love, your dreams, your future together. 🙂
Post # 5
Oh honey. We had this option. Option A) have a wedding in Jamaica. Paid for by my parents. Family and attendants paid for by my parents both both Dh and I. Option b) pay for it ourselves. Have it in Saint Louis. Have everyone attend. Spend up our own money.
We chose option B. Money comes with strings. I know my parents–it would’ve been “their way”. I still had to fight them on some things along the way (oh, we were wasting money, blah blah blah) and it was WONDERFUL to tell them, “it’s not your money, keep the peanut gallery comments to yourself.”
If they’re already being jerks about it, you’ll regret conceding to them 100%. have the wedding you CAN afford, whatever it may be.
Post # 6
Okay, so here’s the deal: Money talks. If you count on their financial help, they get a say in some of these decisions. There’s no getting around it. So you have to decide what’s more important – getting help from them and accepting some compromises, or doing everything exactly your way and paying the full tab. (I opted for the second option and it’s been great, but not everyone can pull that off.) Good luck!
Post # 7
Unfortunatly, money usually comes with strings. If you want your wedding to be your way then you’re probably going to have to pay for it. However, if you’re fine with just doing what they want you to do then accept the money and do it their way. I’m sorry you’re put in this situation but I would advise thinking long and hard about if you want to be bound by strings or not.
Post # 8
October 2011 is too Soon for them? that’s a year away! I’ve already been engaged almost a year and I’m ready to get the show on the road. hahaha I wouldnt push the date back or anything, just pay for it yourself. I think in the end you will be happier! My dad is paying for the majority of my wedding and there were DEFINETLY strings attached! like having to invite not only my future-stepmother’s Parents but also her sister and her husband. Give me a break :)! So that is something to think about (the strings) hope it all works out!
Post # 9
Agree with Statutory Grape!! While it sounds great to have others help pay for your big day because it can get a little overwhelming. Its definitely a better idea to do what you originally planned to do…
Post # 10
I say do it yourself, you will feel really good about it in the end. no hassle from in laws and it will just make your day that much more special that you two did it together on your own. Good Luck!
Post # 11
Pay for it yourself. All of the stress, hassle and heartache you’ll save will be well worth it. Weddings can easily go from “joyous occasion” to “hell on earth” if you’re not careful and let other people have too much control. Take the reins and make this wedding your own!
Post # 12
Money comes with strings. No its not their wedding but if they are putting up that kind of cash then they do deserve some say in the party. If this is a headache now it will only get worse at every decision point they are involved with.
I think the best way to handle this if you do accept their help is to have them pay for certain items (maybe the caterer and dj?). Let them know they can be involved in the process (and have a say) because they are paying for it.
That way if you are paying for the flowers you don’t have to worry about her input.
Post # 13
I appreciate everyone’s input! Thank you! It seems most if not all of you agree that we should pay for it ourselves if we want it our way. (And convincing his parents that Oct 2011 is not TOO SOON!)
I mean, if they really want to chip in (it is their ONLY son’s wedding and all) then I was thinking maybe they could pick up some of the bigger ticket items, (photography, catering, or rentals, etc) just like caszos said, which are details that I don’t have to get picky about. But don’t be stepping on my toes when it comes to colors, flowers, music, and location!
We plan on having a talk with them sometime this weekend since we are now about a year away from our hopeful wedding date. *crossing fingers* it goes well!
My man is lucky…my parents aka his FILs are EASY!
Post # 14
@luckyme610: I think asking them to pay for a specific thing like the photography is a great idea- as long as you really don’t have any specifics. Otherwise, try to do it yourself. My FMIL has been a constant challenge throughout our engagement, because she is paying for half. If I had to do it over again, I’d elope just to avoid her nastiness.