Post # 1
FI and I had a visit with the pastor at the church his mom goes to. Pastor started off asking a little bit about each of us and then how we met. Then, not 10 min into the meeting he said he assumed we were living together, which we are. Basically he won’t marry us because we live together and assumed (correctly) that we are having sex. Well, um, okay….I was under the impression that this was 2013. He said that we would have to commit to no ore sex and that DI would have to move out in order for us to get married there. He said that anythng we had done previousy (even yesterday) would be seen as a mistake in the Lord’s eyes, but that we could “start over”. He was a very nice person, we just have completely different views on how things should be. I have two beautiful girls from a previous relationship in which I was not married to their father and quite simply, they are not mistakes. Maybe I am taking it too personally, but I do admit, it hurts a little.
Has anyone else ran into this? I don’t know very many people who get married that Don’t live together first.
Post # 3
@emviamama: that’s so WRONG. ugh, I’m sorry you had to deal with that.
probably best someone that judgmental doesn’t marry you two anyway.
Post # 4
I know of many pastors who would have done the same. I have a friend who was kicked out of his church because he was living with his GF and refused to move out. Sorry this happened to you, but at least your ceremony won’t be preformed by someone who holds very different views from you and your FI.
Post # 5
I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way.
To be honest, this is why I’m not into the church or organized religion. I think all that matters is being a good person.
Post # 7
- Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House
Your ideals obviously don’t fit his and that’s okay, but that’s what it would take for him to marry you- it’s actually pretty common for them to require that from what I’ve seen on here, and isn’t any deviation from what the church preaches consisted a mistake in technical terms? Do you guys go to church?
Post # 8
You didn’t mention which denomination this was, but you might check with some that are more liberal; look for those that ordain women, don’t have a problem with gays, etc. You might check United Methodist, Unitarian or Disciples of Christ congregations in your area. Good luck!
Post # 9
@Laurenskii: Yes, glad we found it out right away. I just feel bad because FIs mom has gone to this church for years and will continue going to this church. I thought it would be a little more liberal than how it turned out. For example, FMIL would say the same, that you shouldn’t live together and no sex before marriage, but those are HER views and what she believes. She loves us just the same even though we aren’t following those rules.
@mrsmay07: That is what I was wondering – how much are we going to run into this? There was a stigma on me for years because I was with my ex for 8 years, had 2 kids and were never married. Well, ya know, we just weren’t meant to be married. We get along much better now and I am friends with his wife.
@Bubbles42: I feel the same. I used to go to church and stopped as a teen. I hate that sitting in front of a stranger today, he had the ability to make me feel ashamed, when I am not a bad person.
Post # 10
@emviamama: Wow! I find that strange! Like you said, it’s 2013!! I feel that many couples find it very important to live together before getting engaged/married.
To be honest, I’ve never personally heard of any of my friends/relatives having a situation like this. I’m Catholic, and knowing how strict Catholic churches are, this kind of scares me a little! My BF and I want to move in together within the next year and then get engaged. I would be floored if we weren’t allowed to get married in my church because we were living together!
I understand the formality behind these traditions and what is right and wrong in each religion, but the times are changing…
I’m interested to see what others have to say.
Post # 11
I wouldn’t take it too personally. It sounds like he takes his religion seriously and that’s perfectly fine…you can find someone else. Have you thought of having a secular ceremony?
Post # 12
Many churches have that policy. The religion commands certain behavior, if you don’t believe in their codes of conduct, why get married in a church? That’s why we didn’t get married in a Catholic church.
Some churches are less… er, old school than others. If being married in a church is important you could interview at some others.
IMO, no child or loving relationship is a “mistake” in the Lord’s eyes. I would be very hurt by that insinuation. I feel bad that this guy spent so many hours in a church and somehow missed the message about caring for each other and not judging.
Post # 13
Religious institutions have the right to have their own rules. It sucks that he turned you down, but there’s probably somewhere else with views more compatible with your lifestyle.
Post # 14
@Laurenskii: Is it wrong? YES.
But…..if you want to be part of a religion don’t you have to play the game? From my understanding you don’t get to pick and choose what to follow, religion isn’t a think of convenience.
If the church says A, B and C is wrong then don’t expect them to bend the rules. Their house, their rules so-to-speak.
That being said – I’m not one for church or religion – doesn’t really fit into my lifestyle.
OP – I’m sorry you’re hurting –
Post # 15
Don’t take it personally. I don’t see why any pastor should be obliged to marry someone if it goes against their principles or the principles of their church. Personally I don’t think a pastor should take that stand, and I know my pastor will marry people living together, but this pastor is entitled to his approach. Don’t take it personally, and find another pastor or officiant.
Post # 16
@emviamama: My husband is a Christian pastor, and he also has this same policy when marrying couples. So do a great many other Christian pastors.
Please understand that this policy is not intended to hurt, offend, or upset couples but, rather it is designed so that the pastors and the couples are able to honor and obey God.
I realize that this may be a very difficult distinction to make and understand, but I do not believe that this pastor intended to imply that your two precious, beloved daughters themselves are mistakes. They are not. God loves them. He gave them life, and He has good plans for their lives. However, God’s Word is very clear regarding the fact that He intends sex to be experienced within a marriage relationship only.