Post # 1
I’m so conflicted and need an outside perspective!
My lovely boyfriend of 12 years proposed to me on Christmas day and I said no. It’s because I always imagined being proposed to would give me crazy butterflys and make me cry and shout ‘yes’ but instead I didn’t feel blown away with emotion. I felt… underwhelmed. It made me question my relationship and if I’m in the right one.
On one hand we have been together for 12 years which have been full of adventure (which we both wanted before we settled down). And I know if he’d proposed to me after we’d been together for 6,7 or 8 years I would have been estatic. This makes me wonder if my lack of excitment was because we’re already like a married couple and not in the ‘honeymoon’ phase of our relationship.
On the other hand I wonder if time matters in a solid relationship. Do most people feel butterflys even after 10 years? I feel like I want to marry him, he’s my best friend and when I think about the future I see us together always. Am I overacting about my lack of excitment or is it something I should be concerned about?
We are still together and stong as ever but I’ve felt so confused since I said no. Please help.
Post # 3
Wait..you said no because the proposal didn’t blow you away? Seriously?
If you love the man and he loves you, marry him. Of course butterflys will fade a little from when you are first together. Lust fades. Real love doesn’t.
Post # 4
You want to marry him… so marry him.
I didn’t get crazy butterflies either. But then again, I didn’t get that after about 4 months in ANY of my relationships. That’s just not the kind of personality I have.
I’m sort of in shock that after 12 years you said no. I just want to make sure – you are 100% sure you don’t feel like you need to go see what else is out there? How old were you when you started dating?
I wouldn’t say no because there were no crazy butterflies. But I sure would examine the reason I said no and make 100% sure it isn’t because you’re concerned you haven’t dated enough or because you feel like he did it because he was pressured or whatever. One of those reasons might be good to say no. But butterflies on its own is not.
Post # 5
I think although it can be wonderful, it doesn’t ALWAYS have to be this big over the top dramatic affair. If you have been together for 12 years and you are happy then stick with it! Its so hard to find a special person so if you have found it then keep it. I think it is probably because you have been with eachother for so long and as you say, you are already practically married. I say do it :). Curious to know what his reaction to your no was though! and also, why now, after 12 years? I think its cute
Post # 6
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
@Louise333: Hey girl, I come from a similar relationship background. My boyfriend of 13 years (minus a little time in college when we were trying not to be tied down long-distance) proposed to me last summer. (We have a great relationship and hadn’t wanted to get married young, so good timing in my book.) It wasn’t a super crazy elaborate proposal, but it still suprised the hell out of me. I was super thrilled and said of course, and we spent the rest of the night being super giddy about it. We are definitely out of our “honeymoon” phase of the relationship as well, but we still love spending time together, laughing, very affectionate, good sex life, etc. So I don’t know that we feel butterflies, but we do feel as much or more in love than ever.
It’s hard to understand loving someone, wanting to spend your life with them, but not being excited when he proposed to you. Do you think it’s cause it’s not that much of a surprise – like duh, I’m going to spend my life with you, we’re practically married already. Or did you feel some sense of dread or disappointment that things could actually be finalized and permanent, whereas you always had an out before?
Some women just don’t get super giddy and excited over marriage. If you’re one of them, that’s no reason to not get married at all! Good luck, I hope you figure it out.
Post # 7
I thought i was gunna cry when my FI asked me after 7 years. but i was kinda like here? now? and in shock. when i tell the story it sounds soo much better then how it actually was. but it never crossed my mind to say no. not in a million years. after 12 years it seems like it would be a no brainer. but its scary to finally commit. For us (not right after but) we went back into the honeymoon phase. so i think that threw out an enitire marriage/relationship there are honeymoon phases and there are the opposite. just cuz you are not feeling it now doesnt mean you wont later.
Post # 8
My sister said she felt the same way after her fiance proposed to her, and now their wedding is on hold. If you feel that something is off in the relationship, figure out what it is before you marry him. I know what your trying to say, because my sister has told me that she felt like it may have been a case of a little too late when he did get around to proposing to her 7 years and 2 kids later.
Post # 9
I think the constant barrage of wedding magazines, reality shows, and weddingbee shennanigans have caused many ladies to have unrealistic expectations. Not every proposal is full of butterflies. Not every kiss sets off Disney-scale fireworks. Things get less exciting over time, and that’s the same for everything in life, from your relationship to the scary movie you’ve watched a hundred times to going on an airplane. Think of how excited you were when you first started driving…. no one stays that excited about driving for long. A relationship is the same way. Which is not a bad thing; familiarity isn’t monotonous or boring. It’s just mellowed. Do not equate a “regular girl’s” proposal with a failing of your relationship. Every day doesn’t end with fireworks and cake.
Post # 10
My fiance proposed to me after 9 years together and I still, with everything in me, wanted it, was excited, and said yes. I don’t think it’s strange you didn’t get the “butterflies,” I understand that after a long time together, but the part about questioning your relationship and if you’re in the right one- red flag. Just think things through, you’ll figure out what’s right for you. I hope you figure out what you want!
Post # 11
@Louise333: My husband proposed on Valentine’s Day last year. I know, everyone thinks it’s so lame, but it’s also my birthday 🙂 He did it in his underwear, and he didn’t have the ring. I didn’t really have any expectations of when I would be proposed to, except that I would know I 100% wanted to marry the person asking me.
To me, it didn’t matter that he hadn’t bought the ring, or that it wasn’t over a romantic dinner, or in Paris. What mattered was that it was the only man I’ve ever loved, down on one knee asking me to spend the rest of my life with him.
Everytime I think back to the moment I smile, because it was simple and us. He proposed with a ring he had bought me 3 years earlier when we moved in together (we bought each other rings, and wore them on our ring fingers every day since). Those rings then became our wedding rings 🙂
I think if you truly want to marry him, you already know. There’s so much hype around how engagements should be done, but really it shouldn’t matter, as long as the proposal is sincere.
@Birdee106: So true! 🙂
Post # 12
I didn’t get butterflies when my fiance proposed. We’ve been together for over 7 years and the new-relationship-excitement-sweep-you-off-your-feet stuff just isn’t there anymore. That’s not a bad thing, it’s just not there.
Post # 13
Waw thanks everyone for your feedback. I’ve never done anything like this online before and everyones insights were really helpful. I’m a bit embarassed after the whole thing because to be honest I think I was being a drama queen with too many romantic movies going around in my head. I don’t want to be with anyone else, I don’t wonder what else is out there, I love him. We’ve been together for so long and I’ve realized now that the butterflies fading really doesn’t matter. I get excited about him coming home from work and all those little things which is more important in the long term. We’ve talked about everything and have sorted everything out. He says when he feels ready he will ask me again and I know I will say yes. Thanks everyone for helping me realize what’s important x
Post # 14
@Louise333: Yeah!!! Glad to hear you’ve come around. My boyfrriend kind of gave away that e was about to ask – and it was Valentine’s – and I almost told him not to because I wasn’t what I had envisioned. But I didn’t and he did and it was the sweetest thing ever. It wasn’t what I had envisioned or anything out of a movie. But it was very us.
Post # 15
@Louise333: I’m so glad you figured it out and that he is still there for you and the next time it will be right for both of you.
Post # 16
@Louise333: Glad you found out whats important.
And I echo the whole nonsense about chickflicks, say yes to the dress, facebook n the media that says we need to act a certain way. I think they are part of the reason so many relationships fail.