Post # 1
I’m having a problem and I’d love some advice.
A bit of backstory, My SO is the drummer in a band, and has a twitter account that is pretty much FirstNameBandName all the band members have a account with this format. The main demographic of their music is females aged 15-25. This means that the band, and my SO have lots of teenage girl followers.
I don’t have a twitter account, but lately SO has been on twitter on his phone all the time. Last night I went to bed around 12.30am and SO stayed up till 3am, fell asleep on the couch, and crawled into bed at 7.30am just as I was getting up to go to work. I hate when he sleeps on the couch and I was in a bad mood, so at work I looked up his twitter account and saw that he was up till 3am tweeting with 2 or 3 of his teenage fans. I must stress that none of the tweets were sexual or flirtatious, but I was very hurt that instead of sleeping with me, or spending time with me, he was talking to a bunch of teenage girls all night.
I guess I’m feeling neglected. And a bit jealous. And a touch resentful. I’m afraid this is going to build up and be a big deal.But am I justified in being annoyed or do you think I’m over reacting?
I haven’t spoken to him about it yet, I don’t know how to bring it up, especially since I was kinda snooping. The tweets aren’t password protected or anything though, anyone could look at them.
Post # 3
- Wedding: October 2010 - Ladder 15 Restaurant
I think you really should speak to him about it. Stress that you understand that it’s important to him to keep in touch with fans, but there have to be limits, and you’d rather spend time with him than him+twitter. He should understand!
Post # 4
Even now while he is at band practice these girls keep tweeting him. I keep checking because I’m paranoid and like to torture myself. Please help?
Post # 5
i think i would be upset, too, if i were in your position. and, i think that you’re right – this could potentially turn into something much much bigger than it is right now (meaning, a much bigger fight could happen). if it were me, i would probably talk to him about it now – explain that you aren’t upset that he has fans, or that he twitters with them, but that he’s choosing to do it more often and its cutting into the time that you could be spending together
after that, i would see if anything changes – i think the hardest part for me would be to let it go after talking about it – i tend to be one of those bring-it-up-again girls haha
but i definitely think you’re justified in being annoyed – and i think by waiting a minute to think it out, you’re not overreacting (overreacting would have been screaming at 7:30 this morning about it)!
Post # 6
I would be annoyed too but not because they’re teenage girls. We actually just went through something similar. J was on his phone seemingly constantly talking with a new business partner. I didn’t stay anything for awhile but it was obviously bugging me. So we talked about it and I said I understand he needs to keep in close contact but I felt like I was playing second fiddle. He hadn’t realized I was feeling neglected and resolved to make our relationship his first priority again. He still gets all his business stuff done but it’s not when I’m around and trying to spend time with him.
Ignore the fact it’s girls he’s talking to, that’s not important and irrelevant. I do think you should talk to him about how you’re feeling though. That’s not something you want to get pent up.
Post # 7
@caitlanc ,Your right, its not really about the girls. I’m naturally very possessive and jealous when other girls pay him attention, not because I don’t trust him, but beacuse I don’t trust them. But really, I’d be just as annoyed if he was just taking to his mates all night.
Post # 8
You know what? I can kind of relate, in a disjointed way. J is a middle school teacher and he is connnnnnstantly IM-ing with his students on gchat. It drives me up a wall that they even have his personal email address, let alone that he chats with them 24/7. While I was visiting him this winter he got a blackberry and his gchat forwards to that – you can imagine I flipped. Suddenly it was literally all the time, even when we weren’t home or near a computer.
I brought it up as a matter of drawing boundaries in life, rather than an, “I’m jealous of the attention you spend on your students”. For me, the example at hand was when he was IM-ing with them while we were at a nice dinner at a nice restaurant on a Friday night. In the middle of a conversation we were having. I told him he needed to learn to draw better boundaries between his personal and his professional life. He listened, thankfully, and was really receptive to the idea. Now the phone stays signed off when we’re doing something, and he only logs on if like we’re on the bus for 45 minutes and bored. He also signs off in the evenings when we’re home at a certain time. It’s been an adjustment for him, and I imagine he’ll have to adjust more (he probably fell out of it since we’ve been apart 2 months now) when I go back, but … it’s better.
Honestly, life is healthier not just for you but also for him when he has appropriate boundaries in place.
Post # 9
@Roux – he probably has no idea this is something that is bothering you. As ridiculous and annoying as twitter is (please let this fad end!) it’s how those youngins communicate, and it probably helps with his success. So.. If you talk to him and set some boundaries, I think it’d be a great compromise.
Post # 10
Is it a one night thing? Or something he does a lot?
I wouldn’t be too keen on it if it was a constant thing. Sometimes Darling Husband stayed up late doing his own thing on his laptop, watching baseball while I go to bed. If he did it every night it’d bug me. But once every week or so isn’t enough for me to tell him it’s bothersome. Is it interfering with other things he does around the house?
Maybe he’s really liking the attention? Makes him feel good to know he’s ‘promoting’ his band?
Post # 11
Do the other members of the band also tweet as often? Perhaps they all have to do that to attract and keep fans.
Post # 12
This isn’t a one time thing, this has been pretty constant for over a month now. Sometimes I’ll be trying to talk to him and he keeps checking his phone and I know he isn’t listening. He insists that he is listening, but then later I’ll mention something and he’ll say “you never told me that..” Which I know could just be a guy thing but I think twitter contributes.
He does spend a lot of time twittering to his other band members. They do a lot of stuff to promote the band using twitter and myspace and facebook. I know the band is important to him, but because he is on his phone all the time, it feels like he is hanging out with his mates instead of me, without even leaving the house, and while hogging the remote!
You girls are right about the need for boundaries. Hopefully he will understand that the little time we have at home together is precious and we should spend it together without distractions. We only get 1-2 nights a week together due to our work schedules. I don’t care if he tweets his friends while I’m working, as long as its not taking up time we could be spending together.
He shoud be home soon, so I can talk to him then.
Post # 13
I would be annoyed too, and definitely agree about the “boundaries” thing. The thing I hate about twitter is that it is CONSTANTLY accessible, and some people have a hard time disconnecting from it to be present with the people they are with physically. This example is different, but my boss is kind of obsessed with twitter and sometimes it even interrupts our work conversations!
Maybe set a certain time of night when he has to turn off his phone/twitter and just be with you. I definitely think you need to talk to him about it, either way.
Post # 14
Honestly, this would bother me. Not because it’s teenagers, not because it’s girls, but because he’s not giving you and your relationship the time and attention it needs. If he were staying at the office until 7:30 in the morning every night, you’d have a conversation with him because that would seem like too much work and not enough play. This isn’t any different, in my mind. He’s doing it, it seems, because it helps him professionally, but he has to have boundaries. He has to maintain a balance in his life between the professional and the personal. And you are perfectly justified in bringing this up to him–in a calm, collected manner–especially because this is not a one time thing.