Post # 1
I’ve talked here a few times about the problems we’ve had with my in-laws and their extreme frustration/anger about our destination wedding. Well, not too long ago (it’s probably been about two weeks now), my FI forwards me an E-mail from his mother with some of her travel information on it. It mostly was talking about her travel plans and she wanted to know if someone could pick her up/take her to the airport. Then, at the very bottom of the E-mail, I see this:
I do not know how rich Phedre’s family is, but this wedding does not make anyone in your family happy.
(Sorry to say. I wish you would really understand the difference of value evaluation between Phedre and you.)
Even worse, I was at work when I read this and literally had to run from the room crying. It took me the better part of an hour to recompose myself so that I could return to work and then it totally ruined my weekend.
I called my mom that night and we talked (well, she talked, I cried) and she said that we would work things out. The next morning, she calls and says “here’s what we’ll do – we’ll have a ceremony in New Orleans a few days before the real wedding so then if they want to come, they can and they have no excuse to complain anymore.” It wasn’t quite that simple but that was the gist.
So now I’m having two weddings – the first is going to be as simple and sweet as possible and will not be a “real” ceremony. The second will be the one we originally planned in Hawaii with those that really want to be there with us.
I’m glad to have some kind of resolution but it makes me mad that it came to this and planning ONE wedding is stressful, two at the same time is just insane.
So yeah, that’s what’s going on with me, hive. Sorry, I know this is kinda random and out of the blue but I needed to vent and I knew the bees would understand!
Post # 3
I’m sorry you are having to deal with this much stress! As a bride who has always dreamed of having a destination wedding but ultimately chose a more local venue, I understand a bit of where you’re coming from. We had a lot of relatives speak out forcefully against the destination wedding, and ultimately decided against it.
I think that relatives who express concern about not being able to afford a destination wedding have every reason to be upset. And we’re not just talking about Great Aunt Edna here – it sounds like his parents and all other relatives are very upset about your choice. Hawaii is not cheap – even if the other location option was your hometown, I bet that would be significantly cheaper than flying to Hawaii from the East Coast. Imagine how you would feel if your son announced that he was getting married somewhere that was too expensive for you to attend…and that he didn’t care about the fact that his own family couldn’t make it.
Ultimately, it’s up to each couple to decide what their priorities are and deal with the consequences. If getting married in Hawaii was more important for you two than making his family happy, that’s fine…it’s a personal choice and not something to judge. But I think you have to accept that by making that choice, you make his family unhappy and that may affect your relationship with them in the long term. It may also lead to rude comments like the email your FMIL sent.
I hope the 2nd wedding idea mollifies his relatives, but honestly, if it were you, would you fly to New Orleans for a “fake” ceremony? I would maybe check with his family to see whether they’re on board with this idea before getting stressed out with planning a second wedding.
PS I would also be careful with saying something like “Our second wedding will be in Hawaii for those who really want to be there with us.” What about people who really want to be there with you but can’t afford it? I don’t know either of your families, but I would say the majority of people, especially in the current economy, would not be able to afford a trip to Hawaii for a wedding, no matter how much they want to be there.
Post # 4
You’re right. I shouldn’t be so selfish.
Post # 5
I don’t think you’re being selfish. You two should have the wedding you desire. If you go out of your way to do a second wedding to appease your in laws…that only shows you’re being thoughtful of their feelings.
Post # 6
@Phedre: I understand that destination weddings can be a burden for some people but your FMIL could have talked to you about her concerns one on one instead of through a hurtful email.
Did you ever get to the bottom of what “(Sorry to say. I wish you would really understand the difference of value evaluation between Phedre and you.)” was suppose to mean? That’s just plain passive aggressive.
PS I don’t think you’re being selfish at all.
Post # 7
I don’t think GirlWithARing is trying to imply you’re being selfish – I think she’s just trying to help you see the other side of things. And I think she has a really great point that it’s important for you to be aware of the wording you use – it’s easy to get ‘venty’ here online, but you naturally would/will phrase things differently when drawing up your invitations.
Destination weddings are such a touchy subject outside Wedding World (as I affectionately call our InterWebs, haha). People do get upset about them, for a lot of reasons, but there are still a lot of great reasons to choose to go that route. If it’s what the two of you ultimately want, then that’s okay for you.
It sounds like you’re doing a good job of making a compromise for the sake of his family, and it’s awesome that your mom is on board with helping you make that happen!
The biggest ‘issue’ I see here is that your FMIL has what is apparently a really big concern but hasn’t actually brought it up with you, and if she has previously brought it up with your FI, he hasn’t come to you with it! That doesn’t sound like the kind of communication you want from her going into marriage – maybe the two of you could schedule some time where you can talk with her about some of this? The wedding is just one (or two, haha) day(s), but the marriage and the relationship with his family will last a lifetime. And it’s kind of stinky to go into that with your FMIL feeling like she can’t be open with you!
Post # 8
My Dad has given me the best planning advice – “you aren’t going to be able to make everyone happy, so plan the wedding you want – at least you will be happy”.
You and your FI need to be happy with your wedding. If you and FI want to get married in Hawaii, then get married in Hawaii. The tricky thing with destination weddings is they can be really expensive. And everything about a trip to Hawaii is extremely expensive (flights, hotels, rental cars, etc are 50%-100% more than traveling to anywhere else in the country). But you had to know that when you decided to get married in Hawaii. And you had to know that some people won’t be able to make it because its too expensive for them to get there.
What I’m saying is no matter what you decide, you’re going to have people that aren’t happy. And there is nothing you can do about that.
Post # 9
@phedre – I definitely didn’t mean to imply that you were selfish, just that FI’s family’s concerns are valid. In a sense, we all are somewhat “selfish” when planning our weddings, since we (hopefully) make most decisions based on the bride and groom’s desires. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. But at the same time, controversial decisions, especially big things like date, location, guest list, are going to make people unhappy, and that just comes with the territory of choosing to make that decision. For me personally, it was worth giving up my destination wedding dream because both families mentioned that they couldn’t afford it. But at the same time, we chose to stick with our Labor Day Sunday date despite negative comments from some of Seth’s relatives (they were concerned about traffic).
To some extent, @texasmeredith is right: someone will always be unhappy. Normally, I would just say to brush that off. The reason I tend to sympathize with your FI’s family, is because I’ve been in situations where I couldn’t join friends for special events/trips because I can’t afford it. It sounds like your FMIL feels that there’s an inherent inequality in choosing Hawaii for your wedding: the bride’s family and friends can easily attend, while the groom’s side is shut out through no fault of their own.
I hope you and FI can smooth things over with FMIL so this resentment doesn’t affect your wedding day and the rest of your planning. Maybe if you listen to her and try to meet her halfway (a reception in groom’s hometown, some financial help for close family members of the groom to make it to Hawaii, or maybe even your idea of a second wedding in New Orleans), you can work this out.
Post # 10
We are having a DW and a hometown reception.
We are only inviting 8 peoplr to the DW. We dont really want people there.
I had lots of family not be happy about it. To be honest we didnt care ( we may be selfish) but its OUR wedding and its imporant that we are happy with it.