Post # 1
I could really use your advice.
I got married in June to the man I have been together with for the last 10 years (yay!) and our two families are both pressuring us about kids. His side has been doing so for the last 3 or 4 years but have really upped the pressure since we got married. My side has the opposite opinion though and has been telling us to hold off having kids until I have my career under control (I’m currently in my last semester of a four year degree).
Little do either of them know that we have been having UPS for about 5 years on and off with the attitude, “if it happens, it happens”. I also have PCOS which is clearly working as a barrier to us concieving (and will likely continue to be an issue in the future). This last cycle we have gotten serious about TTC and brought an ovulation kit which I am hopeful may help us.
My husband and I have decided that we don’t want to tell our families we are TTC because his side will probably be constantly asking us about it which would be upsetting and my side will try to talk me out of it.
Both sides are frustrating as hell and yes, both know that I have PCOS. My family seems to think we have all the time in the world when the reality is that I am nearly 29 and we want several children. I question whether they would actually be happy if I fell pregnant now. Our financial situation is pretty stable, we own our own house out-right and hubby, although casual, works enough hours to support us.
His side knows it will be difficult for us which is why I think they are pressuring us to start now (my MIL had to have IVF treatment to concieve her two children…the last one wasn’t born until she was 40) but the fact that we are TTC and have been semi-seriously for the last several years means it’s like a knife to my heart every time they bring it up.
How can I deal with our two families without telling them we are TTC??
Post # 3
I think your husband has to be the one to tell his side to stop commenting. Their behaviour, while I am sure it comes from good intentions, is inappropriate. And he should tell them just that. As for your side, again, this is between you and your husband. If you guys are ready, then you are ready. It does not matter if other people will be happy- what matters is you two! So hard I know.
Post # 4
@Katchin: I agree with PP that your husband should tell his side (and you should tell yours). You should tell them, bluntly, to stop going on about it, with lines like, “Please stop. It’s not your business, we’ll have children when we’re ready”. Threaten to walk out / hang up the phone if they continue to bring it up, and do it if necessary. Both families are being inapproriate. Sometimess rude behaviour deserves a rude response.
And best of luck TTCing!
Post # 5
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
I agree with PPs. It’s time for your husband to tell his family to STFU. Their opinions are unnecessary and unwanted. Your reproductive system is your business, not theirs. As for your side, it’s the same thing. Make it crystal clear to your family that your reproductive decisions are not up for discussion. You will do what is right for you and your marriage, and they can keep their opinions to themselves.
Post # 6
I think PPs gave good advice. I don’t think it’s a good idea to mention TTC to your families. I would think it’s awkward to basically announce “Hey, we’re planning to have unprotected sex over here!”
Post # 7
Well, your in-laws will be thrilled if it does happen, and while it’s easy for your parents to say to wait until you’re done with school because they don’t think you’re TTC, I’m sure if they found out you were pregnant they’d be thrilled as well. But either way, it’s NONE of their business whether or not you are trying!! I would sit them all down and tell them that trying to conceive is a very personal subject and you’d appreciate it if they’d leave it up to you and your husband and to please stop discussing it.
Post # 8
@Katchin: You tell them nicely, but firmly, to butt out.
“family, we love you and know you want the best for us but this subject is now closed. This is a deeply personal issue that’s between FI and I. If and when we have news to share, you will be the first to know.
If they bring it up after that, wait a beat and then pointedly change the subject or simply get up and leave. Stop letting these people butt into your life.
Post # 9
@Zhabeego: +1 agreed!
Tell them to cut it out (both of you need to, not just him, since you’re a team now) and when they bring it up change the subject or walk away (love the walking away if it gets too much)
Post # 10
After being asked this question a million times I lost my shit and answered “so you are asking about mine and DH’s sex life?” that shut them up. Not the best or most adult answer but it worked. A simple “when you need to know something we will be happy to tell you until then please keep your comments to yourself” will work.
Post # 11
Thank you all so much for your input and I know each and every one of you are right. The only problem is both my husband and I hate confrontation and that’s why we probably haven’t said anything so far! But I guess the day will come when we will have both just had enough and tell them like it is.
Post # 12
There comes a point when you have to weigh up which causes you most stress. The desire to avoid confrontation or the constant barrange of questions about having children. It seems to me that the line has been crossed in your case. There’s no need to be confrontational though. Just point out politely, but firmly, that these are intimate matters that you’d rather not be constantly questioned about. Point out that you will, of course, be quick to tell them when you have conceived so that they can share in your joy.
If you then get any more intrusive questions you keep repeating the message “As we’ve said before, we prefer not to talk about that right now, thanks”.