Post # 1
I need some advice. I really just don’t know what to do or say right now.
I have a bridesmaid who is honestly acting really strange lately. She is my next door neighbor and we live in a new development where many of us have become good friends. Over the past year and a half prior to our engagement, we got really close and I decided to have her in my wedding. Her husband and my fiance are close too and he is an usher as well. I thought it would be a total blast – one other bridesmaid lives on our street as well (who I admittedly do relate to a bit more). I imagined they could help me and it would be my best friends and my great neighbors. Fun, right?
It’s been less than that. I can see that there are a lot of things about her I didn’t notice before – she is the type of person who can only have ‘one friend’ and it’s obviously no longer me. She made friends with another girl in the neighborhood about a month ago who she spends all of her time with and had been excluding me from her plans ever since. Last weekend was supposed to be a weekend away for the original group – however, it was made clear we were no longer invited because she invited way too many people (and also too many dogs, mine being one and the new girl’s dogs who like to attack mine being the other) so we decided to stay behind. She ignored me for three days afterward. It’s as though she replaced me with this girl – which honestly I wouldn’t care about if she wasn’t a Bridesmaid or Best Man. I will point out that other Bridesmaid or Best Man and her hubby who lives around here is also being suddenly excluded.
Tonight she came over to my house and asked to see a calendar. Her and the new friends and their respective families are going to go on vacation together. She wanted to know if I needed her to be here the week of the wedding other than for the rehearsal. She also pointed out that ‘every year they go on vacation that week because it is her husband (who is an usher in the wedding) birthday’ and they wantd to go somewhere since he had the time off already.
She really hasn’t helped me with anything despite my being a very DIY bride. When she has shown up for the ‘must attend’ things such as choosing her dress and her alterations appt (which was only yesterday) she texts constantly with her husband or mom and acts like she doesn’t want to be there. Tonight in the midst of asking if I cared that she would be gone until the day before my rehearsal, she noticed my kitchen dinng table is covered in invites that are half done – she commented on the fact that I was working on them still (I thought you had finished these?) and then said, ‘Well I’m headed out to the mall. See you later and have a good one!” Two days ago I sent all the girls an email and mentioned how stressed I was and that I needed more help. She wrote back to say she was sorry she couldn’t be more help because it was hard to help with her three year old daughter. HUH!!? You can shop with her at the mall or put her in front of the TV while we all play games and drink on weekends, but she can’t watch a movie while you help me?! Really?
Things have been bothering me for a few months now, but this whole taking off the week before my wedding thing was really the icing on the cake. I’d like her to bow out because she really doesn’t seem to have my best interests in mind or even really want to be friends with me anymore on more than a ‘couples who hang out sometimes’ level. Then again, she IS my next door neighbor who I will be seeing almost daily until one of us sells our home! I can’t cause a big ruckus and actually tell her I want her to step down… but I’d rather not have her be a part of it anymore, either.
What on EARTH am I supposed to do?
Post # 3
*** hugs ***
It’s hard. As a bridesmaid, I can see her point of view in not always being around to help out. But as a friend, I think she is being ridiculous, and it would probably spare everyone if she would bow out. Could you talk to her from the frame of reference of asking how she’s managing with all the commitments and how busy she is with her new friends, like gently let her know you’d be OK with it if she bows out?
Post # 4
That really is lousy. I’m sorry. Do you want to give her an option out? Then she could make the decision to let you know that maybe she doesn’t care to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man anymore-so it wouldn’t be YOU telling her you don’t care for her to be your Bridesmaid or Best Man. Since she seems to have already moved on to another friend, and apparently can only be friends with one person, she may likely back out, if you give an opening to. –“You know, I’ve been noticing, you don’t seem to be all that interested . . .(and let her take it from there? That may “save face” for both of you?? Best of Luck, and Happy Wedding Day & Marriage!
Post # 5
@Amaryllis: You know what’s funny? I get what you are saying. As a bridesmaid, you aren’t always going to be around. I understand… but that is because I’m a bridesmaid right now too! My Fiance good friend (who is a Groomsmen in our wedding) and his girl get married next weekend, and when her cousin dropped out she asked me to replace her. While the guys are off on their joint bachelor party for the next three days, I’m hosting her bachelorette party and acting the part. I’ve helped her with anything and really tried my best to be around. I didn’t know her well 9 months ago, but we have really grown close and I just love her to pieces now. It’s been a great experience.
They both knew when they accepted our invitation tobe in the wedding that this was their vacation week because her hubby’s job makes him choose weeks at the beginning of the year. I’ve heard numberous comments from her older brother about how I ‘ruined’ their vacation since I planned my wedding in the middle of it.
They should both have just said no.
This girl has a part time job. She isn’t over stressed, she just has more important priorities than being a good friend or a helpful bridesmaid – which is why I’m stuck. Why would you stay in someone’s wedding if that is how you felt? I couldn’t’ sit here and write everything that has happened, but it goes beyond the wedding. This girl clearly doesn’t want to be close friends anymore. I’m an adult and I can put on my big girl panties and get over it. I don’t need friends like this, honestly. But to stay in the wedding party, take credit, act all friendly and happy on the rehearsal and wedding day as the gifts and fun that you will get in the end come pouring your way while being a total brat? It just pisses me off to no end.
I have a lot of girlfriends who would happily have stood in her shoes. She sucks right now!
Post # 6
I know how you feel. Im sorry you’re dealing with that. When it comes down to it, you need to get rid of the people that you feel arent being helpful/supportive or even just THERE. If they arent going to be there for you while planning the most important day of your life, they probably wont be there for you in the future. Bridesmaids are supposed to be the people that you know you can ALWAYS count on. Think about 10 years from now, looking back at your wedding pictures…do you want to look at them and think “i wish I didnt put her in my wedding”? Thats what I had to ask myself. Do what YOU want. This is YOUR day and if these girls are acting like that, they dont deserve to be a part of it. On that note, I know its really hard to just cut people out of your wedding, so I would suggest first asking if they REALLY want to be a part of your wedding or not. Kind of leave it up to them. Say something like “it seems like you’re not really into helping me with all the wedding plans, and if you have other commitments and cant handle this, you need to let me know”. That way they can make the decision and if they decide to stay in the bridal party, at least they’ll know that you expect more out of them. Good luck!
ps: why are bridesmaids so difficult?!?
Post # 7
@birdcastro: Oh, I can answer the PS part. No one wants to say ‘no’ when you ask them, everyone thinks ‘oh it’s pretty dress and I wanna do it!’ and then when they start dealing with the emotional/financial/time commitments, they realize it wasn’t all roses.
Post # 8
I’m going to word this very carefully, because I don’t want to offend anyone, but I wonder if you are being entirely fair here.
First off, you say you suspect she is the type of person who can only have one friend, yet you mention different group outings several times in your post, which would clearly dispel that theory. Also, was she friendly with your other bridesmaid before all this started? If not, than I don’t think she’s so much avoiding your friend as she just never picked your friend as someone to associate with in the first place. If you were all friends, that would again go against your theory she can only be friends with one person at a time. It sounds like mostly she is avoiding you, and anything to do with your wedding. I have to ask, have you maybe, in your excitement about your wedding, talked about it so much that she doesn’t want to be around you? Have you made sure to show an active interest in her life? I don’t know you and don’t know your situation at all, but you certainly wouldn’t be the first bride to talk about the wedding so much and wonder why none of her friends want to hang out with her. If this is not the case, then nevermind.
Second, bridesmaids “jobs” are to buy the dress and stand up with you at your wedding, as well as attend the rehearsal. I have not asked any of my bridesmaids to help me with any tasks. Bridesmaids aren’t sources of unpaid labor. If she, as your close friend, saw that you were getting very stressed out and wanted to step in to assist you, that would be very nice, but I really don’t think you can send out emails to people demanding help. Also, it is a two way street. When this friend of yours was getting stressed about her child or other issues, were you there to jump in and lend a hand? If you have, then disregard this paragraph.
Anyways, since you asked for advice, mine would be to honestly look at yourself and see if you’ve done anything to contribute to her pulling away. If you really haven’t, then I guess you need to ask her if she’s really up to being in your wedding, and give her a chance to bow out.
Post # 9
Honestly, you have to talk to her. If you don’t, this is going to blow up at some point… probably an inopportune time. Either there is something wrong and she’s upset/offended/whatever OR she’s just immature.
If you don’t see yourself being friends in 5, 10 or 15 years then you should really ask her to step down. You don’t want to have to deal with her antics on your wedding day.
If she’s mad – who cares. She’s not acting like a friend.
Post # 10
@Miss Starry Night: That is kind of the issue. If she wasn’t going to be my next door neighbor for 5-15 years, I’d tell her where to stick it. But I really can’t – and don’t – want to do that. I just don’t think I want her in my wedding anymore, either.
(awwwwww date twins!)