(Closed) Two questions

posted 5 years ago in 30 Something
Post # 3
Member
14503 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Your first part, I don’t know about. Sorry.

Second part…I was 35/36 when we started dating and 39 when we married. The older that I got (almost 41 now), the less I was willing to settle.  There were times that I didn’t even make it through a whole date before I told the guy this wasn’t going to work and he should continue on without me.  Did I have high standards, sure, but I was completely aware of what I could and couldn’t live with and if that meant being alone forever then so be it.  I was lucky, by the odds I was looking at an 80% chance of not getting married at my age having a child and I beat those odds.  I was told many many times that I was to picky.  Meh, I don’t think so.  At the end of the day I got married to the man of my dreams.  Times haven’t always been perfect, but I know that I was picky enough to find a strong enough man that I knew for a fact that he would be by my side through thick and thin.  He has been all of that and more.

Post # 5
Member
14503 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@MariaW:  DH and I are 11 months apart. I had a few of those breakdowns along the road, those were usually times that I had to re-evaluate myself and my behavior not the men I was looking at.  There were two other men in my past that I would have considered marrying.  One was 11 years older and the other was 7, they both still tell me they waited too long (big DUH), so IMO age is not a thing.  Personally, I would tell them to stick to their guns.  My girlfriends always told me about their ideals, the house, the dog, the 2.5 kids, the white picket fence yadda yadda yadda and I never really got the whole thing.  One day I was talking to my then FH about it and it dawned on me, you have to meet the one that you are willing to build that fence with.  It is only with two people that can seamlessly work together that the fence can be built to withstand all the weathering that life throws at it.

Post # 7
Member
14503 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@MariaW:  They never asked.  I just talked to the 7 yrs older one the other day and that was when he told me he waited to long.  He was scared after his first wife left him and he didn’t want to go through that again.  It was a very weird conversation.  I would hook him up with any one of my friends, he is just one of the greatest guys I know.

Kids was one of my dealbreakers.  I didn’t want any more.  Luckily, it was a dealbreaker for DH also. When I first started dating DH, he said he never wanted to get married and I was fine with that because I already knew he was my perverbial soulmate.  One day he threw me a curve ball and asked out of the blue. So we never had any of the big marriage conversations.

If you don’t mind me asking, how old are you guys and how long have you been together?

Post # 9
Member
257 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@MariaW:  I was with a guy for 9 years who after about 5 years of living together announced that while he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, he didn’t want to marry me. He explained it wasn’t personal, he just didn’t want the marriage part, the piece of paper. In my mind, that piece of paper meant alot. Being married gives rights and privledges that not having it doesn’t give re; social security, financial security, tax benifits, medical rights etc, things it seems to me you would want to provide to someone if god forbid something happened to you. I eventually left because I just felt he couldn’t give me the level of commitment I needed.

As to your other question…for me personally (I’m 37 and FI is 41) it was about wants and not needs. Was I picky yes but thats because I didn’t NEED a man to take care of me. I was financially secure, I owned my home, I worked a full time job and was raising my children on my own. I was completely capable of taking care of myself. Finding someone wasn’t about the need to be with someone, it was about the wanting someone to share my days with. Someone who complimented me, someone who appreciated me, someone who enjoyed the things I did. I don’t know if that answers your question or not but maybe its not about your friends being picky, maybe they are just happy with what they have and don’t have the want to be with someone who will disrupt what they have now.

Post # 11
Member
14503 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@MariaW:  No, DH is my only marriage.  I think that I have always been clear on most of what I wanted, but I think that I got more strict with it the older I got.  I think that a serious sit down would be something I would do.  I think that you do need to know before you make serious carreer decisions.  Of course I don’t deal well with uncertaincy, but that is me.  Luckily, that was not something that I had to do.  I had left my carreer behind by choice by the time we started dating.

Post # 13
Member
14503 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@MariaW:  I worked in politics managing federal campaigns.  The working every other year, the crazy hours, and the travel was exhausting.  The only thing left for me to do was DC and I said Hell to the No to that.  That town is crazy, IMO.  I kind of am back into it on the media end, which is much more my cup of tea.  Wish I had figured that out in my 20’s, I spent a lot of years eating cold crappy pizza for nothing.

Post # 14
Member
257 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@MariaW:  I started dating him when i was 21, left when I was 29. We had a child together (about the 5 years into our relationship) so for awhile I stayed because of that. I really thought that he’d change his mind. I was wrong. Some people just don’t have the need/want to get married. he is now in a relationship with someone else and she is going thrr the same thing with him:she wants to get married and he still doesn’t. he’s a great dad to our son and very involved with him but he just doesn’t want to be married. It was painful at the time but I made the right decision. I’m much happier now 🙂

editing because I just read your other posts: here is my opinion… you need to decide how important marriage is to you. For you, are you comfortable being with someone, living with someone committing to someone without the piece of paper? Some people are, some people aren’t. Is getting married a dealbreaker for you? if it is then I think you need to cut your losses and move on because it sounds like he doesn’t want to/isn’t ready to commit to marriage. if your content to live with him in a commited, not married relationship, then stay with him and move to be with him. You need to decide for yourself if marriage is something you have to have. What will getting married and having the piece of paper change for you? Is it the symbol, the financial security? For me, because we had a child, I wanted the security (I now have that because of child support and his will and such). 

Post # 16
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

To answer the first question: yes, and I waited until the relationship ran its course, or until he asked.  My personal feeling has always been if someone was going to ask me to spend the rest of my life with them, I wanted it to be because that’s what they wanted, not because I hounded and pressured them into it. (Ya, I can’t read the “Waiting” forum here. lol)

Second: By the time most women are in their mid-late 30’s they have pretty established careers and goals.  They see relationships as a way to compliment their current life, not to complete it.  They may not even want children.  And I can understand not being the aggressor when it comes to pursuing relationships as well–there is something to be said about playing it cool and letting him chase you. Men like “the chase”, and there’s no doubt about their feelings for you.

What happens to them?  They either meet a guy, fall in love, and have a life together, or they stay single,enjoy their freedom and friendships, and the opportunity to have a different man buy them dinner every night if that’s what they choose. 

While I have been with my FI for 3 years, and am very much looking forwarded to marrying him, I don’t understand the “must get married” mindset or the feeling that single people must be miserable.  I was quite content to be single. It’s simple, and uncomplicated. It was a lot of fun for me.  And I am quite content to be shacked up and planning my life with my sweetheart.  Being single in your 30’s or beyond is far from hell, just like being married is far from rainbows and unicorns all the time.

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